True or False - Child Care Decision Making

[#1StepMom]

Both parent have joint legal custody of their one child (7 years old). The Mother has primary physical custody with the Father exercising access regularly. The Child attends daycare (same daycare provider for 3+ years) with which both Mother and Father were in agreement at time of enrolment, as the daycare is located inside the child's school. The costs are shared 50/50.

Now, the Mother wants to change daycare providers (wishes to hire a nanny); the Father does not agree to the change as he feels it is not in the child's best interest to be taken out of a social environment in which he is comfortable and has made many friends.

As the "custodial parent" the Mother believes it is within her right to decide on the type of child care, without input or agreement from the Father, and expects the Father to cover at least 50% of the costs associated with the child care of her choice.

True or False: It is within the Mother's rights to change child care providers without agreement from the Father; it is the Father's obligation to pay towards the costs of child care despite his disagreement.

[nixster]

I sure hope that it's false!
This certainly doesn't sound like a "joint" decision, or that it addresses a need that isn't currently covered by the current child care arrangement.
I'd let the b take you to court, lose and have to pay costs.

[#1StepMom]

I sure hope that it's false!
This certainly doesn't sound like a "joint" decision, or that it addresses a need that isn't currently covered by the current child care arrangement.
I'd let the b take you to court, lose and have to pay costs.

Oh, if she takes us to court... I sure hope that WE don't lose and have to pay her costs... again! (Been there, doing that, when we went to court for a reduction in child support when my husband lost his job and was on EI for 6 months! - The reduction was temporarily granted, then later revoked, and he was ordered to pay in arrears more than the amount which was ordered originally, plus $2K in costs for being the "losing" party! It was mindblowing and a ridiculous excuse for a "justice" system, or for "guidelines!")

I sure hope it's false too... but I learned that with our family law system, anything goes, whether it's right or wrong, fair on not.

[got2bkid]

One would hope.....

that it is false. a nanny? PLEEESE! there's your child support money being spent wisely (sarcasm intended).

[#1StepMom]

that it is false. a nanny? PLEEESE! there's your child support money being spent wisely (sarcasm intended).

LOL. Though really, it depends on who you ask whether it's being spent wisely or not. Ask us, we'll tell you "no" - ask my stepson's mom, she'll tell you the opposite, "yes, it's in the best interest of the child." Yes, because spending more time with adults than he already does, being an only child with no other children in either household, taking him away from a social environment to spend with an adult is in his best interest. I'm sorry, but that is not right. My husband and I specifically sign the child up for daycamps while he's with us, and take him to drop-in activities, only so that he can interract with children his own age. After all, social development IS in the best interest of the child... at least so we think.

[About_Time]

I think it would depend largely on whether the choice of child care falls under the area of joint custody. As the custodial parent, there are decisions which she is allowed to make exclusively. Does your agreement specifically identify child care providers as a decision you make jointly?

That being said, the decision to switch from day care to a nanny is a significant one for your children. It's also an expense you pay half of, so there is a strong argument that you should have some say in this.

Of course the problem is enforcing this. Your only recourse would be to take her to court and, unless you can conclusively prove that having a nanny is an unreasonable decision which is detrimental to the kids, the court will err on the side of the custodial parent. Sadly, your options are to stand pat and pay 50% of nanny fees (I'm assuming more expensive than day care) or take her to court and risk paying anyway PLUS all legal fees. Only you and your accountant can make that call.

[got2bkid]

Nannies are for moms, not for kids

It seems to me hiring a nanny is not in the "best interest of the child" in this case, it is in "the best interest of the mom". She no longer has to drive the child to and from and schedule her day around day-care times, but can come and go as she pleases. Also, many nannies also do small cleaning duties around the home. I agree, children do need to be around other children, esp. only children. I hope common sense pervails and a judge says this expense is NOT justified, especially since your guys, paying your share, do not agree with it! Keep us posted on this one.

[#1StepMom]

I'll definitely keep you posted. It's an interesting situation.

In the court order, it states that all decisions regarding religion, education, and medical treatment shall be made jointly by the parties, but in the event of a disagreement, the Mother has final authority subject to a court order to the contrary. Up until now, all childcare decisions have been agreed to jointly by the parties. This only made sense since the cost is shared.

Right now, the mother has scheduled to meet with a lawyer to find out whether as the custodial parent (though not a parent with sole custody) she has the right to make this decision on her own. I'm thinking that regardless of what the lawyer tells her (which will most likely be what she wants to hear, as you know lawyers) she is still going to insist that the final decision is hers. We just don't know how to proceed in that case. Any ideas? Do we take it to court? Do we refuse to pay anything more than the current payments based on the current rate at the daycare? Or do we suck it up and pay the new costs, even though we disagree with them strongly? Currently, with child support, arrears, legal costs, etc. we don't have the money to pay more than we already do.

[PhoenixRising]

Personally, I would continue to pay the amount that you have already been paying for daycare. The nanny sounds like it is more based on the mother's needs rather than the needs of the child because a nanny provides more than just daycare. And if the child is 7 years-old at this time daycare is only needed before or after school. The nanny services would not be exclusive to this time period only and is meant to benefit the mother.

[today]

We all know the difference between shared and and joint custody right? Only the time shared with our children. All decision makig is "supposed" to be shared eqaully as well as access to all information regarding the children right?

BUT generally the everyday decisions are those of the primary house so is this an everyday decision or a major decision. I say she does not have the right, but am very interested how this will turn out.

[#1StepMom]

Well, I spoke with the little man, trying to get some information as to why his mom would be wanting to hire a nanny. I found out through our innocent conversation that his mom only "sometimes" picks him up and drops him off at daycare, and that it's usually her grandparents (the child's great-grandparents) - who they live with - that transport him to and from daycare every day. Putting two-and-two together, I think that perhaps her grandparents, who she relies on for a lot of the care she is supposed to give the child herself, are maybe refusing to be her personal nanny/chauffeur, and she doesn't want to pick up the slack herself, so is looking into someone who will - in this case, hiring an actual nanny instead of relying on her grandparents and other family members to fulfill her maternal roles. Hmmmm.....

[#1StepMom]

UPDATE

We just received a reply from my stepson's mom, who has agreed that any changes to child care providers shall be agreed-to mutually prior to any costs being incurred.

This means that the lawyer probably told her that she cannot unilaterally take the child out of daycare and hire a nanny on a whim and expect my husband to cover the expense without first coming to an agreement with him about it.

Now we're arguing over subsidized sick days. (See: How to Distribute Subsidized Sick Days?)