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  • Answering a Toddler's Question?

    When my daughter's dad and I separated- she was only 16 months old. She didn't know much about what was going on and because regular access resumed shortly after separation- she didn't have gaps with seeing her dad.

    I was the primary caregiver for her- and then my mom as she had moved in with us during the week to help care for our daughter. Since we moved to my parents place- it was a really easy transition for her.

    However, she just turned two and asks to see dada sometimes- not often, and not crying just "want to see dada, want to go to dada". She sees her dad once during the week and all day one day on the weekend. This will likely be changing shortly- to increase and expand parenting time.

    I talk openly about her dad when she asks and there are pictures of the two of them around her bedroom. But I'm not routinely talking about him.

    I don't, however, offer to call dad- because, only until recently, there were bail conditions that prohibited him contacting her and me outside of the access schedule. However, those have been removed.

    Because of the high conflict nature of our past- I try to avoid speaking to him if I don't need to...however, I wonder if I should be making the offer for her to facetime with him in the evenings, or call, etc.

    I have previously told his sister that I can set up the facetime with our daughter in the evening and just be nearby- but not in the frame or participating. He's never taken me up on it. He's never asked to call her or speak to her.

    Did any of you guys separate when your kids were still really young? how did you handle them wanting to see the other parent?

    Any tips are welcome.

    Thanks in advance.

  • #2
    Could you skype or facetime?

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by rockscan View Post
      Could you skype or facetime?
      I've offered it up twice in the past- once through his sister, and once over OFW. He hasn't taken me up on it.

      I tread the line of co-dependency for sure. I have to be careful not to engage too much. But I want to be sensitive to the need for my daughter to keep connected to him.

      Comment


      • #4
        Well then shes two, just say dada is at work and do something else.

        You tried, he refuses, thats it. Keep asking but if he refuses then its on him.

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        • #5
          My youngest was a toddler when we separated and I almost think its better they don't remember you living together, its makes their little lives more normal to them, so to speak. He use to ask for Dada too for about 6 months, then it lessened as he got used to the new schedule. Now he never asks, because he knows Dada lives in another apartment.

          My Mom helps out all the time, although we dont live together, she has basically become the primary caregiver, especially now with my new work/school schedule. When I make lunches, I get, "no I want Grandma to make lunch", apparently she cuts a sandwich better than I do. They also prefer Grandmas dinners, as my store bought rotisserie chicken ain't cutting it . Grandma reads the stories better. If she is not here one evening or weekend, they ask constantly where she is, and when she is coming back.

          I take it that your move to your parents is temporary, when your ready to find your own place, I'd start preparing your daughter. She could see this, as yet another caregiver leaving her. So basically my concerns currently are more with transitioning Grandma back to being a Grandma (and not a parent), and not so much about not having a Dad here, but I'm heading into year 3 of being on my own. The children's needs change depending on your changing circumstances.

          Introducing new partners is also a big deal, imo. My ex left and moved in right away with his gf, that too was difficult for the children to grasp. Too many changes in their little worlds in a short time frame. Hopefully you will both hold off on that for awhile.

          What is taking me a long time to learn is you can't make up for the other parents short givings. If Dad wants facetime/skype with the child then oblige him. My lawyer keeps telling me, your Not your ex's Mother, let him figure these things out for himself.
          Last edited by kate331; 11-16-2018, 02:17 PM.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
            Did any of you guys separate when your kids were still really young? how did you handle them wanting to see the other parent?
            By ignoring it until it went away.

            Your kid is 2. My kid could barely speak at 2. Two-year-olds are not proficient at using a phone let alone a computer.

            If you are asking how proactive you should be in facilitating phone contact with the father, I would shelve that question for at least another 2 years. By then who knows, perhaps there will be new bail/probation conditions/restraining orders in place.

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            • #7
              We set regular times where the kids would call, the rest of the time we used a lot of distractions.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by kate331 View Post
                My youngest was a toddler when we separated and I almost think its better they don't remember you living together, its makes their little lives more normal to them, so to speak. He use to ask for Dada too for about 6 months, then it lessened as he got used to the new schedule. Now he never asks, because he knows Dada lives in another apartment.

                My Mom helps out all the time, although we dont live together, she has basically become the primary caregiver, especially now with my new work/school schedule. When I make lunches, I get, "no I want Grandma to make lunch", apparently she cuts a sandwich better than I do. They also prefer Grandmas dinners, as my store bought rotisserie chicken ain't cutting it . Grandma reads the stories better. If she is not here one evening or weekend, they ask constantly where she is, and when she is coming back.

                I take it that your move to your parents is temporary, when your ready to find your own place, I'd start preparing your daughter. She could see this, as yet another caregiver leaving her. So basically my concerns currently are more with transitioning Grandma back to being a Grandma (and not a parent), and not so much about not having a Dad here, but I'm heading into year 3 of being on my own. The children's needs change depending on your changing circumstances.

                Introducing new partners is also a big deal, imo. My ex left and moved in right away with his gf, that too was difficult for the children to grasp. Too many changes in their little worlds in a short time frame. Hopefully you will both hold off on that for awhile.

                What is taking me a long time to learn is you can't make up for the other parents short givings. If Dad wants facetime/skype with the child then oblige him. My lawyer keeps telling me, your Not your ex's Mother, let him figure these things out for himself.
                As usual- I think you're pretty spot on here about a few things...

                I think the transition to moving away from my parents is actually going to be harder on her. Even though we've only been there 8months- it's a third of her life? lol. She's so bonded to both my parents...I often joke that my parents are going to let me move out- but keep my daughter.

                And yeah- I have a tendency to overcompensate in a MAJOR way. I overfunctioned in the marriage- and tended to be controlling...and maybe I'm doing the same thing here. Like I'm trying to force him to be a good dad? D2 loves spending time with him- so obviously he is when he's with her...and now that's his relationship to nurture. UGH.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by youngdad91 View Post

                  I really did not find anything in your post to flame you for. I know you said you talk about dad but that conversation is obviously not disparaging in nature as the child is missing and asking to see dad while with you, and as you're posting this thread with the intent to seek healthy ways to address your child's feelings. Keep up the good mothering!
                  I appreciate the sentiment. But I'm not sure I should be congratulated for doing what is basically the minimum and commonsense thing...and just to be fair- I probably gatekeep in a whole slew of other ways.

                  Why did your Ex keep your daughter away from you?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    The general rule used by assessors.

                    A parent should not expect the length of call (phone or video) to go over the age of the child.

                    2-year-old child - 2-minute call.
                    13-year-old child - 13-minute call.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by youngdad91 View Post
                      I have never really given this question a whole lot of thought. It is more so because I was never really asked the "why" - and I don't really think I knew the "whys". I just know that she did and that it was a very big problem. I have given this some thought and I think I know why. I think she really didn't like me and sort of hated me. Unfortunately, this hate that she had for me had surpassed her love for our daughter. She hated me more than she loved our daughter.
                      I think it's worth looking into...I've seen you and Paco both reference that your ex's "claimed" abuse. A lot of time- in abusive relationships...the abuser doesn't actually think they are abusive. They legitimately dont' think what they've done is abusive. But it often is.

                      My ex honest-to-god thinks that I pushed him towards his behaviors.

                      Did I piss him off? Yes. Am I partly responsible for the discord in our relationship? Absolutely.

                      BUT- and this is a big BUT...we are all responsible for our own actions- and if you do something to cause serious fear in another person- esp. when that person is in a vulnerable position- and in many cases- women ARE in vulnerable positions due to our size and stature as compared to our husbands/partners...then you have to really look at what you've done. Using the term "abuse' may be inflammatory- but it's absolutely worth it to take a look at your actions.

                      My ex said I pushed him to threaten to kill our daughter- and me. He spent two hours berating me and coming up to me and gesturing like he was going to elbow me in the face. He held his foot an inch away from my head and said he could kick me in the head if he wanted to.

                      And all of this- his response recently to me was that he was "deeply unhappy in our marriage- you pushed me to that. I'm not that person, but you made me that person". Let's all take a minute to recognize what bullshit that is. I'm not responsible for his actions.

                      My point is- it's absolutely worth examining your own actions. It's worth being honest and open about your role- if only for the sake of your daughter. I've seen your posts on here- you have some deep rooted distrust and misgivings (I want to say "hate"- but I'm not sure it's actually that) against mothers. It seeps out of almost all of your posts.

                      Your daughter will absolutely pick up on this. I say this from first hand experience- because I grew up in that type of household. I absolutely love my dad- but I also know he was abusive to my mom. And honestly- it's probably why I ended up where I ended up- in abusive relationships (multiple).

                      All this to say- you seem to really love your daughter. You wouldn't be fighting so hard if you didn't. That's commendable. But I think it's worth it to take some time to work on yourself (therapy for all!)...for your daughter's sake. Be someone she can look up to in all ways.

                      Comment

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