A new low for my ex?

[cbarker78]

Best wishes!!

I agree with prior comments that he's being a total a$$ - and so is your ex!

Hope it's all resolved peacefully and the kids are no longer pawns/messengers.

[KayD]

Nadia, good for you for ignoring the dips*its here. Court orders are there for a reason and they are meant to be followed. I know a few people who believe that it is "easier to ask forgiveness than permission", slughead appears to be one of them. He's playing the "awful mom deprives kids of a vacation"... exactly the same ploy your ex tried to play. Stick to the court order and wait until you ex falls in line. He will continue to try to turn your kids against you. Nothing you can do about that. Maintain your integrity and your kids will realize that eventually. They will rebel in their teens cuz dads filling their head with nonsense but hopefully when they have families of their own, they will thank you for your ethics and morals.

[Tayken]

Court orders are there for a reason and they are meant to be followed.

Lets not also forget that for a court order is for both parents to follow. When you are required to give disclosure it generally means that the other parent is required to do the same.

For example: Say you have court ordered disclosure on proposed care givers. Both parents have to provide what the court asks or it is contempt. Failing to provide that disclosure doesn't and retaining child care doesn't demonstrate a willingness to follow the court order. It doesn't just mean the other parent has to do it... It means you both have to do it.

Also, when following a court order there are many people who feel that less is more when in fact, more is better. Providing full and frank disclosure of children's best interests shouldn't require a court order to obtain. Many parents are very avoidant in providing disclosure that they should be providing.

So, Nadia has good reason to be frustrated. Providing this kind of disclosure happens every day between parents... Why in her matter does it take a fight to get proper disclosure for something that required an order in the first place.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[hadenough]

The "all time lows" by some parents are simply not going to stop. It is what they DO. So clearly, as the resonable parent we need to be informed and prepared with, HOW to best deal with it in the best interests of the child(ren). It's pretty sad when we go all the way to court, and through court, to get ORDERS and still we are faced with challenges due to the other parties failure to recognize what doing the right thing, is all about. Their self-entitlement is well beyond anything most of us can comprehend, and they seem to believe that they make all the rules of the universe :/

[zenna70]

Nadia,
I posted quite a while ago how my kids were being used as the "messenger mules" ...I agree with you, totally innappropriate. It still happens every month on my end ...like a monthly period...especially when FRO collects his support payments.
My kids are getting older they're more vocal with their dad when it comes to him taking cheap shots against me.

[hadenough]

Zenna: interesting.. The "timing" you refer to. FRO etc. That's exactly what my ex's latest "low" had to do with. A comment something like "I have no money, b/c of your mother" - there was way more to it than that, but that was the jist of it. He is totally full of crap at any rate and our son knows it. Hmmm, strange that he has money for LOTS of other things. And for years his "voluntary" CS pymt was $300/mo. Sorry, no sympathy from me. He paid that pathetic amt in CS all while driving new expensive cars, travelling and spending money on home reno's. Now FRO is involved and he's pissed. He has to do a vaps (voluntary arrears pymt schedule). Due very soon.

[zenna70]

LOL Hadenough, there must be a course on what "lines" to use on the parents collecting support! I get the same and a few other nasty ones. I constantly remind him via email what I didn't take from him so he didn't become house poor, pension poor ect...and if he didn't stop with all the whining I would tell and show all the neighbors (who are now his best friends out of pity) what he did to me. Kids shouldn't be put in the middle...no matter what their age is. When my kids come back with "messages" I smile and walk away. my eldest son's says "mom, for a tiny woman you sure have strong shoulders".....yes I do.

[hadenough]

Funny. My son has said a similar comment to me. It's a sweet thing for them to say I can't wait to see what the VAPS arrangement is. Ugggh.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Now FRO is involved and he's pissed. He has to do a vaps (voluntary arrears pymt schedule). Due very soon.

Well done hadenough. I'm so glad you're finally getting some movement on this!!! I cannot believe the things he says to your child regarding adult issues between the two of you...ridiculous.

constantly remind him via email what I didn't take from him so he didn't become house poor, pension poor ect...and if he didn't stop with all the whining I would tell and show all the neighbors (who are now his best friends out of pity) what he did to me.

Zenna...my suggestion...let it go. I think engaging the ex on this level is always a bad idea because it keeps you mired in the same old nonsense.

We get divorced because we cannot "reach" our partners. For a million reasons, we lose the capacity to make them understand who we are and our point of view and vice versa. You have to realize that he's NEVER going to agree with you...never going to get it....never going to do anything but what he always does. He's not going to have some bolt of light that hits him with a life changing epiphany so that he suddenly understands what you're saying to him. Instead, he'll just continue bashing you to everyone he can, for as long as he can. (Believe me, after a while, people get bored with it.)

Screw the neighbors...anyone who takes side in a divorce with someone running around campaigning against an ex-spouse is generally not worth having a relationship with anyway.

If you want validation in divorce....find it within yourself. Empower yourself to be the better person...stop fighting...do things that make bring you some enlightenment. Letting go is very very important...particularly letting go of same old negative patterns of behavior.

You'll be a lot better for it both as a person and as a parent.

[zenna70]

So true Pursuing...everytime I let it go...something else comes back to bite me in the ass...soon there will be no ass left to bite LOL!

The neighbors who chose sides...some are no longer his friends because my ex uses people and when he's done he spits them out like sunflower seeds. They have tried to re connect with me....yah I don't think so.

My validation was the day I left him and I never looked back.

I have found my happiness...I have my kids, my family, my health and most of all my sanity

[Pursuinghappiness]

Congrats Zenna.

I went through a very similar thing with being bashed to anyone and everyone. I just held my head up high and ignored it. Frankly, it was exactly what I needed. It helped me since had zero feelings of guilt or regret about leaving my marriage. How could I feel badly about leaving behind someone who would sink to that level during divorce...even to the point of harming his own children?

Interestingly enough, my new partner was also separated and going through a mediated divorce. He treated and continued to treat his ex-wife and mother of his children with absolute respect throughout the process. He gave her a very generous settlement...was always polite and kind to her during conversations...and never sank to trying to hurt her feelings even when she was barraging him with insults. It helped me know that I picked the right guy this time.

I am very proud that I have never and will never sink to my ex's level...no matter what may come. Its just not who I am and I'm long over reacting to his negativity...that's why I left. I've always been positive and happy and divorce isn't going to make me bitter or change who I fundamentally am.

If you want to really know who someone is...watching the way they handle a divorce can be extremely illuminating. When you can be fair, decent, honest and positive when the worst things are happening to you...then you truly are a good person.

Best wishes to you and your family Zenna.

[zenna70]

Pursuing...
I think you and I can share some stories...I thank you for your kind words and understanding.

Divorce for me was easy bc I was emotionally detached from HIM. My focus was my kids and going back to school and moving on with my life. I did what needed to be done and like I said I never looked back.
I got councelling for my kids (he didnt consent...judge did
I helped them through the process and we "talk" about everything. I don't want my kids to be put off from marriage. I want them to love with all their hearts.

I too am with a new partner who was separated when I met him ...he too was very generous, respectful and always, always has his kids' best interest at heart. He never bashed his ex and I envy that bc they are friends and they co-parent their kids... as it should be. I have also become acquainted with her and it's been a great experience. My kids see the respect that both ex's have for eachother and they wish that for me and my ex..I do too...for the kids sake.

Life is too short for anger and resentment. A lot has happened to me these passed few years and my kids have seen me at my most emotional low when my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. They have grown emotionally and spiratually during this hard time and I am so grateful that they have stayed on a strong and focused path.

Best wishes to you as well...Z

[FaithandMorals]

I like the last few posts to this thread. It is important for me, and I suspect most others, to keep focused that these family law troubles are leadin to (I hope for most) much happier times.
Of course I realize some here will never get to this serenity (sorry WD) but it is uplifting to believe the conflict will end.