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Asking for feedback re: appropriate vacation time for custodial/non-custodial parents

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  • #16
    We both get equal days for Christmas break.

    So it sounds like that the forum doesn't think there is anything unreasonable for suspending my access for 3 week consecutive weeks TWICE during the summer (for a child of 3yrs old) as long as I get equal vacation time in whatever form it might be. I guess that much of 6 weeks would have to be taken outside of the summer period.

    I'm somewhat curious and concern of what is an unreasonable consecutive vacation duration away from a parent for a preschooler. Why not four consecutive weeks or six weeks (the original request)? As a parent, where do I draw the line...

    And how do I make an argument for equal vacation time from a perspective of "best interest" of the child. How do I convince my ex or the PC (if the decision has to be arbitrate) that EQUAL opportunities to build summer memories is in the best interest of my daughter? I thought the argument of minimizing lengthy separation from a parent to minimize separation anxiety was an easier argument to present but I seem to be wrong.

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    • #17
      I think 3 weeks would be bordering on unreasonable. Two weeks is pretty standard, so stretching it to three isn't unheard of.

      And yeah, you are right about the point that, so long as you are provided with equal treatment, I am less inclined to have issue with it.

      I don't agree with 6 weeks straight, that is just unreasonable. 6 weeks in the summer is pretty tough to swallow also, as there is only 8-9 weeks in summer break. So for her to have 2/3rds of it, without you having any parenting time, would seem unfair UNLESS you are being given the same opportunity next year (lets say she gets the majority of summer in odd numbered years, you get the majority in even numbered years).

      But I would generally say 6 weeks out of 8 is too much to not have parenting time. Agree to giving her 4 weeks and request 4 weeks in return.

      As for your argument, it will be based on the fact that you are an involved father who has weekly parenting time that you exercise religiously (bring documentation of all the time you spend with your daughter). That it is your position that being away from the child for such extended period of times may hamper bonds you have created as the child still young. And as an involved parent, you should be entitled to have equal entitlement to any request your ex makes, or a fair alternative.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
        I think 3 weeks would be bordering on unreasonable. Two weeks is pretty standard, so stretching it to three isn't unheard of
        And yeah, you are right about the point that, so long as you are provided with equal treatment, I am less inclined to have issue with it.
        See... this confuses me. Aren't these two really separate issue. The amount of time a child should be separated from any parent for vacation reason (either consecutive or in a given span of time) AND the amount of vacation time each parent is entitled to for summer vacation.

        And two weeks are standard but for a child of preschool age, is two consecutive week standard or two non-consecutive week standard.

        I was planning to fight on both issues separately as the ex's initial proposal was long vacation time for her and short vacation time for me.

        Thanks for your input though. I will take your input into consideration while I prepare my arguments, position and summer holiday proposal for my upcoming mediation meeting. I need these arguments to be rational as I need to convince the PC that my position is strong and valid in case it goes to arbitration.

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        • #19
          You are prob safe in assuming 6 wk separation is too much. Give four max because of distance mom needs to travel. if you have two or three wks vacation then ask for that in exchange. But how many 3 yr olds will leave mother for 3 weeks? Still have strong bond to mother don't they? My kid would have freaked out.

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          • #20
            Originally posted by OneLovingDad View Post
            Your right... she is reluctant for any long duration away from our child. BTW: She did get approx the same duration last year but concessions were made in advancing the regular schedule to get that. And that agreement was made without prejudice.

            I suspect she will propose 2 x 3 week breaks. And she will likely ask for that every year (she's a teacher). The PC seem to hint that vacation time doesn't have to be equal. Technically, if I got two week vacation, that would approx the required amount of make up the time.

            My ex doesn't seem to want to budge from the 6 weeks time frame. That's why we had to go to the PC.

            I will have to admit that I'm sadden to hear from the forum that there isn't much resistance to the 6 week proposal. In this custody experience, I've been fighting for equal access and equal treatment as a parent. I guess even with the summer schedule, I should prepare myself for not having equal opportunities to build summer memories too.
            I would resist it! No friggin way. Sobthat she's a Teacher...I would tell her equal time period. if she take 3 weeks then you get three weeks, no more...then a one week each...but break it up so that no more than three at any onetime . My guess is that if you tell her okay to 6 weeks next year....she won't allow it.

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            • #21
              I will argue for equal opportunity/time but I'm worried that the ex won't budge on that and the PC has already express that summer vacation doesn't have to be equal. I had a discussion with her that I rejected the idea of the concept of "quality vs quantity" of time because quantity provided the opportunity for quality. She seem to agree in regards to the regular schedule but she didn't seem to agree in regards to "vacation" time. So I'm worried in the ex becomes entrench and if the PC has this belief about "equal time", I may get an unfavorable outcome if it goes to arbitration.

              I'm pretty disappointed with the PC. Although she acknowledges that I'm a primary attachment figure, I feel like I'm still treated as secondary.

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              • #22
                The problem with the quality vs quantity argument is that if you try to fit 'high quality' time into 'small qauantity', then kids see a distorted, unreal image of life with dad e.g. dad never cleans house, dad never makes dinner, dad never does shopping, or has to take time to fix stuff (but mom does) - it's a fairy tale, and is an unrealistic view to teach your kids, and it also encourages the mom-as-long-suffering-martyr image in comparison.

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                • #23
                  Oohh, but the best argument I think is ...

                  "I agree, quality is of utmost importance. If I have more quantity of time with daughter, that will enable you have a higher quality of time with daughter."

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                  • #24
                    Why would you want to deprive your child of a wonderful holiday to meet extended family? While I agree six weeks is long time, how about compromising at 3 or 4 weeks? She won't forget who you are.
                    My ex and i have equal summer holidays: 2 weeks from Friday to Friday (7 days, 6 nights) and one long week (Fri to following Sunday, 9 days, 8 nights) which can be consecutive or non-consecutive.
                    The children can phone their Dad whenever they want (and vice-versa) and communicate with him via email, g-mail chat. Their dad doesn't have Skype, but they could do that too.
                    As for the vegetable garden, before she goes, tell her what you'll be doing and send her pictures of how the garden grows.
                    " I pretty much see my daughter every other day. So to go to from that to not seeing her for three weeks will be hard on me." Yes, parting does seem to be harder on the parents than the children.
                    While I agree six weeks may be a bit long, compromise for something between 2 and 6 weeks. And let your daughter go on her adventure with a happy heart knowing that Dad won't be sad and will look forward to hearing about all her adventures when she returns.
                    Oh yeah, what's "good for the goose is good for the gander". Make it easy, both parents are entitled to the same amount of holiday time. How it's split equally/fairly is what you and your daughter's mother need to figure out.
                    P.S. What does PC stand for?
                    Last edited by Epona; 06-11-2011, 03:13 PM.

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                    • #25
                      The ex lives hours away and I still make sure the boys see him every other weekend, a month in the summer, Father's day as well as we alternate Christmas, Easter, Spring break etc. If the kids have a PA day or it's a long weekend when it's his weekend I drop them off early or pick them up later. They talk to him as much as they want as well as web cam whenever he or they want.
                      Regardless of this, he has cancelled visits as he 'can't afford it', or for other reasons which I was understanding about as gas is ridiculous and stuff happens. One weekend our car broke down and I had no way to meet him to drop off the kids and he flew into a rage and threatened to take me back to court. Once in the 6 years that we have been apart I couldn't get them to him and he wants to drag me back to court. Ridiculous. He's cancelled at least 10 times as well as moved so far away they didn't see him for a year. He said it's fine if he cancels as it doesn't affect me. I tried to explain that it's not about him or me, that it's about the kids and how their time with him is important. I think everyone needs to realize that and stop using the kids to hurt the other parent.
                      It's not just about us and our time with them, it should be more about them and their time with us.

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                      • #26
                        I totally agree i'm a Mom with custody and I would never EVER suggest having my son go without eithier parent for 6 weeks. So what, she's a teacher and off for the Summer and she picked a great career to allow her to have the Summer off, should the Father because he has to go off to work everyday be penialized because he works and she doesn't during the Summer. What on earth makes her believe that her time is more valuable then your time is with your child. Considering your child's young age I would not agree to 6 weeks with one parent for anyone.

                        Maybe propose alternating weeks and if 1 week for you and 1 week for her and if the opposing party not going away they will have an overnight midweek to break up the time.

                        OR have your regular weeks vacation time 2 weeks each and the other weeks have blocks of time for 4 days in a row each etc..

                        Stick to yuor guns on this one. 6 weeks for her and 2 for you, not fair or reasonable for anyone especially your child.

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