Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Divorce & Family Law

Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 08-31-2012, 10:59 AM
Dee1973 Dee1973 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Mississauga
Posts: 123
Dee1973 is on a distinguished road
Default Child custody and possible tactic...need opinions please!

My STBX and I separated in Jan and have been living in the same matrimonial home since (me living and trying to parent my 2 girls in the basement). We have exchanged many lawyer letters over the last 8 months and they have essentially ignored, lied and or cheated throughout. She continues to not disclosure many assets that I am aware of, refuses to address custody and has stolen all the jewelry from the home and our safety deposit box.


They have essentially tried everything to get me out of the house rather then trying to resolve “amicably” as they keep stating.

It's terrible living condition - her family is large and supporting her in many ways and brother is a lawyer writing all her materials behind the scenes. They have tried to guilt me to leave the home, made false accusations, tried to burden me with many additional responsibilities - cleaning schedules, laundry schedules, etc. But I have overcome these and continue to remain in the home with my girls.

We have an informal 2 - 2 - 5 schedule with the kids but since we live in the same home she interfers at every opportunity on my nights. Everyone has told me not to leave the home without a court order or signed agreement - but life is so miserable there that after 8 months I don't know how much more I can endure until the December case conference.

So my main support has been a female friend of over 23 years and because we’ve been so close we have developed a relationship and life is actually a little more bearable. My kids have known her and her two children since birth – so being around them is the norm although they don’t know anything other then we are friends.

So here is what I need opinion on – we discussed her renting a bigger apartment in the area. Kids all go to the same day care and school – so on my days with the girls rather then being in the matrimonial home I stay with the children in the new rental apartment with her and her children i.e. Monday / Tuesday I drop them off / pick them up from school / daycare and we go to this residence. Wednesday Ex picks them up and I of course stay at matrimonial home so she can’t say I’m moved out. Of course, this would be something I just start doing because Ex would never agree. Thoughts please on approach – it would go along way for my sanity!!
  #2  
Old 08-31-2012, 11:44 AM
HammerDad HammerDad is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Hamilton
Posts: 3,932
HammerDad will become famous soon enough
Default

I would not leave without a court order.

Journal all of your involvement with the children. Also, keep a digital voice recorder on your person at all times in the house AND outside the house if you are around her. Don't engage with the ex. Should she come at you with crazy, simply state you don't want to discuss this with her right now and ask that she email you her concerns. Don't speak to her unless it relates to the kids at that time. This is now a business transaction. take emotion out of the picture when it comes to your ex (I know easier said than done).

Is it possible to put a lock on the door to your room? If so, do it. A deadbolt or sliding bolt would be best as the kids are likely to be able to easily unlock it if they are in the room for some reason.

Leaving now (read - without a custody agreement) would put you at the mercy of the ex. If I were you, I'd work on getting a custody agreement hammered out, then you can leave and deal with the remaining finances and equalization from the sanity of your new home.

But don't leave without a custody agreement. If you do, you'll be fighting an uphill battle for the 50/50 you have now.
  #3  
Old 08-31-2012, 11:48 AM
HammerDad HammerDad is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Hamilton
Posts: 3,932
HammerDad will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dee1973 View Post
tried to burden me with many additional responsibilities - cleaning schedules, laundry schedules, etc.
What "laundry schedules"....no, simply put you do your own laundry and you do the kids laundry.

You cook your own meals and meals for the kids. You clean up after yourself and the kids.

You do things on your time on schedules that suit your needs. They don't get to dictate how you live your life or how you choose to parent the children.
  #4  
Old 08-31-2012, 11:59 AM
Dee1973 Dee1973 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Mississauga
Posts: 123
Dee1973 is on a distinguished road
Default

Thanks HammerDad, I have put all the things you've oulined in place. My angle on the tactic is that I'm not really leaving the matrimonial home - I'm just parenting on my days from a different residence. I know might sound weird.

For example, let's say right now on Monday / Tuesday I drop them off / pick them up from daycare / school and per current come back to the matrimonial home give them dinner, baths, etc. Then Wednesday morning take them school / daycare, and she picks them up Wednesday afternoon and brings them to the matimonial home and then switch depending who has the 5 day (including weekend).

What I am suggesting is on Sunday I stay at the new apartment with the girls, take then and pick them up Monday / Tuesday but come back to the new apartment rather then the matrimonial home until we do the switch on Wednesday. In short I guess, do I have to parent on my days from the matrimonial home? Why can't I take them elsewhere overnight as long as they continue getting to school / daycare per normal?

Of course, STBX will probably be irrate when kids just don't come home on Monday / Tuesday nights - but these are my nights / days anyway. She can't really call the police because their is no court order stating residency - I would imagine? So they would I suspect only do a safety check?
  #5  
Old 08-31-2012, 12:04 PM
Dee1973 Dee1973 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Mississauga
Posts: 123
Dee1973 is on a distinguished road
Default

LOL - and yes she's sends me regular email spreadsheets for cleaning schedules (lists every room of the house), what needs to be cleaned, now she sent a laundry schedule i.e. rotating weeks, and when summer started a yard work and mowing schedule! I didn't know any better and was following until someone told me what you did.

She and family are trying to burden me with so much that I just get overwhelmed and give up. So have stopped which has made her even more angry. Now the emails talk about "hygenie and safety of the children". Funny we didn't maintain this standard when we were separated. Anyway, this is just a vent - previous post is really the meat of what I want to understand.
  #6  
Old 08-31-2012, 12:18 PM
HammerDad HammerDad is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Hamilton
Posts: 3,932
HammerDad will become famous soon enough
Default

I would stop doing things on their schedule. If they request that you do, simply reply that you will ensure that you do your part the home is clean moving forward. However, what you choose to do and when you believe it is necessary to be done is your choice. Remind them that neither spouse is entitled to dictate any such schedules, and respectfully request that they refrain from doing so in the future.

You are obligated to clean up after yourself and help with the kids. Some people, in an effort to make the ex's life unbearable, will simply leave dirty dishes laying around, cook the smelliest foods or foods they know their ex dislikes.

I would stick to any schedules relating to the kids, like bed time and dinner etc. But what you choose to make them is your choice on your parenting time. If you allow them to dictate how you live now, what makes you think they will stop when you move out?

Tell them you will ensure the residence is tidy and will continue to contribute to your share, but will not respond to being dictated to.
  #7  
Old 08-31-2012, 12:22 PM
Dee1973 Dee1973 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Mississauga
Posts: 123
Dee1973 is on a distinguished road
Default

Have done all the above in regards to schedule. Thank you for reaffirming my approach was correct.

For example, let's say right now on Monday / Tuesday I drop them off / pick them up from daycare / school and per current come back to the matrimonial home give them dinner, baths, etc. Then Wednesday morning take them school / daycare, and she picks them up Wednesday afternoon and brings them to the matimonial home and then switch depending who has the 5 day (including weekend).

But in regards to the more important part below, any thoughts? I take them away for my weekends anyway, why should it be any different if I do so on the weekdays as long as they make daycare / school as per normal?

What I am suggesting is on Sunday I stay at the new apartment with the girls, take then and pick them up Monday / Tuesday but come back to the new apartment rather then the matrimonial home until we do the switch on Wednesday. In short I guess, do I have to parent on my days from the matrimonial home? Why can't I take them elsewhere overnight as long as they continue getting to school / daycare per normal?

Of course, STBX will probably be irrate when kids just don't come home on Monday / Tuesday nights - but these are my nights / days anyway. She can't really call the police because their is no court order stating residency - I would imagine? So they would I suspect only do a safety check?
  #8  
Old 08-31-2012, 12:24 PM
Dee1973 Dee1973 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Mississauga
Posts: 123
Dee1973 is on a distinguished road
Default

Sorry ignore second paragraph - accidently got insert. Newbie error!
  #9  
Old 08-31-2012, 12:30 PM
TLCRN TLCRN is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 205
TLCRN is on a distinguished road
Default

Sounds like a CONTROL ISSUE and an attempt to drive you out of your house quickly; have a nervous breakdown so she get cusotdy.

Cleaning and laundry schedule???? when did you become her maid?
HammerDad is right! clean after yourself and help with the kids especially spending quality times with the kids and not cleaning her mess.
  #10  
Old 08-31-2012, 12:44 PM
HammerDad HammerDad is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Hamilton
Posts: 3,932
HammerDad will become famous soon enough
Default

My personal perspective is, what you do with your children during your parenting time, is your business. Where you sleep is your business.

However, is it in the best interests of the kids right now? If you were to take them on your weekends and go visit your family or friends, I'd have ZERO issues. But not sure about leading them to believe this is going to be their second residence just yet. But that is my personal perspective. Others will likely disagree....but I'd focus on the kids and go to my family when it was my time.
Closed Thread


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:43 PM.