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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #21  
Old 04-08-2016, 11:41 AM
Beachnana Beachnana is offline
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I believe when a couple separate, so do their friends. So it's quite possible 2 stories are told.

Apparently, my daughter left when " the money ran out" not when alcohol and violence became the lifestyle.

Funny how 2 different people see this.
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  #22  
Old 04-08-2016, 12:10 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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My partners kids hate his friends and family because they "took his side". People in his former town would go up to him in the grocery store and ask him why he was so cruel to his ex. The stories he gets now are that he was abusive and angry and ruined their lives and stole all moms money. If you think its easy for him to take the high road youre mistaken. He does though. Finds the words he can, bites his tongue, screams in a pillow you name it. Of course people who know him and his ex will believe what they want from either party. Divorce makes people ugly.
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  #23  
Old 04-08-2016, 12:21 PM
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Reminder:

Children often see themselves as being made up equally by both parents. If you present one parent as "bad" they may in fact see themselves as "bad".

I don't see why anyone would ever bother telling children the reason for a separation / divorce. It serves no purpose.

My advice would be to move forward and leave the past in the past.

I would quote Justice Mossip on the "the TRUTH" and such but, I am sure everyone is sick of me quoting it and anyone curious about what I am talking about can search for it on this forum.

Good Luck!
Tayken
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  #24  
Old 04-08-2016, 12:41 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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My mom told us my father was a selfish cheater who loved women. At 13 you dont understand these things. You think mom and dad are supposed to love each other for life. Why she felt it was necessary to constantly remind us my father loved other women before us is beyond me but it messed us all up pretty good. As an adult I was able to understand the complexity of relationships and how two people can screw things up. Kids cant process that crap so parents need to leave their animosity towards each other away from the kids!
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  #25  
Old 04-08-2016, 01:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
Reminder:

Children often see themselves as being made up equally by both parents. If you present one parent as "bad" they may in fact see themselves as "bad".

I don't see why anyone would ever bother telling children the reason for a separation / divorce. It serves no purpose.

My advice would be to move forward and leave the past in the past.

I would quote Justice Mossip on the "the TRUTH" and such but, I am sure everyone is sick of me quoting it and anyone curious about what I am talking about can search for it on this forum.

Good Luck!
Tayken
To be fair, I think this is an anglo-saxon thing. My parents were always very honest about our family, extended and otherwise and didn't sugar coat people's shortcomings / addictions / and were quite honest about their relationship stresses and troubles. Nothing TMI, but I agree with the poster upthread who said that children deserve more than platitudes. And while I don't want to do a post-mortem with my Ex, knowing where I effed up or what I could have done better will hopefully better compass me in future relationships.
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  #26  
Old 04-08-2016, 01:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
My mom told us my father was a selfish cheater who loved women. At 13 you dont understand these things. You think mom and dad are supposed to love each other for life.
Even adult children of divorce have a hard time processing this sort of thing. It's been proven by countless studies (no, I don't have case law or web sites to back my claim, go find it yourselves ).

I've never felt the need to trash my Ex husband by giving my son the lurid details of our marriage gone bad ... he lived with both of us and has his own opinions about what caused the divorce.

As for friends/family not getting "the truth" according to Ex or me? The ones that matter - the smart ones, have not taken sides and I appreciate that more than BS black or white loyalty.

Last edited by Janibel; 04-08-2016 at 01:20 PM. Reason: typo, need more java
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  #27  
Old 04-08-2016, 06:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ensorcelled View Post
To be fair, I think this is an anglo-saxon thing.
No. It is not a race, religious or gender related issue. It is a matter of good versus bad parenting.
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  #28  
Old 04-08-2016, 07:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janibel View Post
Even adult children of divorce have a hard time processing this sort of thing. It's been proven by countless studies (no, I don't have case law or web sites to back my claim, go find it yourselves ).

I've never felt the need to trash my Ex husband by giving my son the lurid details of our marriage gone bad ... he lived with both of us and has his own opinions about what caused the divorce.

As for friends/family not getting "the truth" according to Ex or me? The ones that matter - the smart ones, have not taken sides and I appreciate that more than BS black or white loyalty.
I agree. My son is an adult and can/has make up his own mind. He thinks we are both to blame but resents his father for what he "perceives" as having treated me since the divorce. He has lived with me since divorce, not his father.

Son has witnessed my frustration as well as the small fortune spent in court since our divorce. It is very hard to disguise this from someone you are living with. I do try to remind my son from time to time that his father will always be his father - regardless of our divorce - and how iimportant it is to try to maintain some form of relationship. I frequently bring up memories of the 'good old days' with the hope that my son will give his father a break and call him. Son has sadly decided not to communicate with his father any more. Very sad. I can't imagine living a life without my own father.

I agree that it is does not make sense to trash the other parent to the children (adult or not). Talking shit to your kids about your ex is merely a low/back hand way of trying to get to your ex through your kids. Pathetic really.

DON'T "EX TRASH-TALK" TO YOUR KIDS. With or without any sort of religious upbringing "do unto others as you have them do unto you" (The Bible) makes sense yes?
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  #29  
Old 04-08-2016, 08:10 PM
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Another thought about this topic is that I think if your kids have to live with both you and your ex and you trash-talk your ex to the kids..... don't you think that is a form of child abuse? Kids can't do anything about where the court dictates they have to live so what good does it do to tell them how terrible your ex is? Why should kids have to listen to this? IMO it is abuse not 'reality.' If kids want to know "the truth" about why you and your ex split up they can read all about it when they are adults and form their own opinion (although if they have been put in the middle of things I would hazard a guess that they will move across the country when they are adults).
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  #30  
Old 04-09-2016, 01:00 AM
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I think everybody agrees that "trashing your ex" is not helpful.

Some people seem to think that the children (when they are older - use your discreation) should never know the causes of the divorce. I don't believe actually that no child will never NOT find out why their parents got divorced, it just doesn't seem realistic.

Obviously everybody has their own version of the "why" but even hearing the 2 perspectives will perhaps help the kids in there own future relationships to avoid the same problems.
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