I've seen a lot of comments about step parents involvement in the bigger situation between divorced persons. And I wanted to comment on a couple of things to stimulate some healthy conversation.
I've seem too many comments about step parents involvement that are mere blanket statements - they shouldn't get involved or they are too involved or whatever. I typically only see black and white most days but I do know this: if it is right, it is right, it is right. It doesn't matter who said it, who wrote it, or who thought of it first. This includes the new spouse or step parents! When we place restrictions or try to evoke imaginary boundaries on who can sign an agenda or who can pick up the kids (when it is the new spouse) we are really flexing our muscles and trying to create control where we have none. This is FACT. I will drive my point further by saying I don't think any parent, divorced or not, would ever complain about a math teacher helping with English homework, so why the hell do we care if it was dad's idea or the step mom's as long as it makes sense?
Now, that is not to say there isn't a whole lot of subjectivity going on out there. And I would think that is where we all get into a lot of trouble in our thoughts and actions. But if we break things down most often it is MUCH simpler than we make it out to be.
I personally am of the opinion that my husband and I are in this together. We do everything together in fact, and sometimes one of us is a bigger decision maker than the other depending on the issue at hand. However, WE decide in the end TOGETHER that this is what works for us. Truth is, WE are in this relationship together, the other marriage has been dissolved.
And another thing to consider. Many of these "relationships" between divorced couples is tantamount to bullying. There is power in numbers and it is to most people's best interests to bounce ideas off other people. Especially ones they love and respect enough to know that they will tell them the truth, even if it it hurts or not what they want to hear.
I think we need to stop looking at the source of who it came from and who is involved and consider more if it will achieve a good and positive end. Hell, if it works, go for it. Stop flexing muscles and leave the need to control situations that we really have no control over.
I've seem too many comments about step parents involvement that are mere blanket statements - they shouldn't get involved or they are too involved or whatever. I typically only see black and white most days but I do know this: if it is right, it is right, it is right. It doesn't matter who said it, who wrote it, or who thought of it first. This includes the new spouse or step parents! When we place restrictions or try to evoke imaginary boundaries on who can sign an agenda or who can pick up the kids (when it is the new spouse) we are really flexing our muscles and trying to create control where we have none. This is FACT. I will drive my point further by saying I don't think any parent, divorced or not, would ever complain about a math teacher helping with English homework, so why the hell do we care if it was dad's idea or the step mom's as long as it makes sense?
Now, that is not to say there isn't a whole lot of subjectivity going on out there. And I would think that is where we all get into a lot of trouble in our thoughts and actions. But if we break things down most often it is MUCH simpler than we make it out to be.
I personally am of the opinion that my husband and I are in this together. We do everything together in fact, and sometimes one of us is a bigger decision maker than the other depending on the issue at hand. However, WE decide in the end TOGETHER that this is what works for us. Truth is, WE are in this relationship together, the other marriage has been dissolved.
And another thing to consider. Many of these "relationships" between divorced couples is tantamount to bullying. There is power in numbers and it is to most people's best interests to bounce ideas off other people. Especially ones they love and respect enough to know that they will tell them the truth, even if it it hurts or not what they want to hear.
I think we need to stop looking at the source of who it came from and who is involved and consider more if it will achieve a good and positive end. Hell, if it works, go for it. Stop flexing muscles and leave the need to control situations that we really have no control over.
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