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  • Need to Get Ready

    Greetings,I am a new member to this forum, male with 3 kids and going through some tough marriage times. Apparently my wife has flet closed off form me for quite some time, who knows why. We are communicating, which is a start, but I suspect her mind is made-up and it is only a matter of time (a year or so) that my marriage will probably be over; I hope that I am wrong, but not optimistic.As such I feel I need to prepare myself, not emotionally, which I am working on, but practically, what steps can I take to ensure that I have fiancial stability before the fat lady sings her final song?Advice is greatly appreciated.

  • #2
    Nat345,
    You are lucky you see this coming. 75% of divorces are initiated by women and most men are caught unawares. I sure was.
    Expect the behaviour of your spouse to change dramatically. She will do things you do not expect.
    Protect yourself financially with regard to credit cards, lines of credit and bank accounts.
    Do not vacate the matrimonial home and try to keep the kids with you.
    Start asking friends about good family lawyers.
    Be strong and don't give in to unreasonable demands.
    Do some research on Canlii and read everything here.

    FN

    Comment


    • #3
      Start documenting how you share parenting with your wife. Show how the kids are just as much taken care of by you as her. Even if you work more hours than her, spend as much time with the kids as possible. Do homework with the kids, sports etc. Document ALL of this. Then when you go through the divorce ask for SHARED parenting. If you actually do more parenting than your wife, then ask for sole custody of your children.

      Too many men are caught off guard, the wives automatically get custody in 90%of cases unless the father can PROVE he is an involved father (the mother doesn't have to prove this similarly).

      Good luck, too many men are reduced to "visitors" every other weekend in their kids lives, simply because they are caught off guard and are not prepared for the bias in courts that favor giving the mother custody despite how studies show children do much better when BOTH parents are fully involved (and spend considerable TIME with their children) after divorce.

      Comment


      • #4
        Did you want advice on winning a court case or saving your marriage?

        If she hasn't already told you she wants a divorce, maybe you still have time to fix it. I would suggest you think about that before deciding she hinks it's over. Divorce is a no-win situation for everyone.

        Comment


        • #5
          I was just reading a related post, and I'll copy/paste the info here from user 'Palden'.
          -------------------
          I have found these materials to be very helpful for me to understand what has happened.

          Keep your Marriage at
          Keep Your Marriage- excellent PDF. Explains what is going on, the emotional aspects and things you can do.

          Love Busters book from Amazon. Excellent book explaining why relationships fail and what to do. Interestingly wife is reluctant to go to counselling and she has began to read the book, I pray that it will do some good for us.

          The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work by John Gottman at Amazon. Another EXCELLENT book explaining the breakdown.

          The above two books alone can help you to save your marriage or at least prepare you to enjoy the next relationshiop without consciously making the same mistakes that would lead to it's eventual breakdown.

          Marriage Fitness at Amazon I believe. Not bad, but really good for couples that are strugging and willing to try. They have a lone ranger track whereby one spouse can do the work on their own ... some pretty good stuff.

          I know this can help you, if not now, definately in your life going forward.

          Hubby

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          • #6
            Originally posted by billiechic View Post
            Did you want advice on winning a court case or saving your marriage?

            If she hasn't already told you she wants a divorce, maybe you still have time to fix it. I would suggest you think about that before deciding she hinks it's over. Divorce is a no-win situation for everyone.
            I agree totally. Do you want to try and save the marriage? Does she? Before you jump the gun too much make sure that it is either not worth saving or too much has happened to try and save it.

            Comment


            • #7
              Thanks for all the responses so far; some great advice and suggested reading.

              I want to save the marriage; does she? Very good question as she has not been able to tell me what is going on; I know she is not ready to address the emotional issues and I am willing to give her the time and space she needs. However, I need to take a pragmatic approach to this, in the eventuality that she does want a divorce.

              I need to start thinking about myself if things turn bad down the road. Right now I am looking at two options, keep the marriage or get a divorce, unfortunately she is the driver and the only thing I can do is continue to show my love for her by small gestures and wait for her decision.

              That said, the constant lack of acknowledgment is tough.

              Comment


              • #8
                You sound like a good guy...I really hope your family can stay together and get through whatever is on your wife's mind...that said, thinking ahead is never a bad idea.
                I am absolutely new to this whole "divorce forum" thing so please forgive me if I make irrelevant comments.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by got2bkid View Post
                  ... when you go through the divorce ask for SHARED parenting. If you actually do more parenting than your wife, then ask for sole custody of your children...
                  ...
                  This does not make any sense. Go for shared 50/50 custody. That is best for everyone. Trying to take the kids away and go for sole custody is only reasonable and moral when someone is an unfit parent.

                  As for saving your marriage. I was in your situation, we went to marriage therapy for 2 years, she did not change one bit. I never worked harder for anything in my life, but in the end it was completely useless (though I learned many great thing), and she still has the same issues she always had that make any kind of relationship hard for her.

                  Still though, don't sit back, prepare for divorce, but hope for saving your marriage. Go to a marriage therapist and if she does not want to go, go by yourself.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Hope for saving the marriage is decreasing daily; she either is not or will not deal with our marriage issues. Notes that I have written to her (which will stop) are left answered; small gestures that I do are ignored. She has adopted such a self-centered approach to our marriage, it is absolutely mind-boggling. If it is not my way / terms it is no way.I am willing to bet that only negative things I do get back to her friends, not the positive attempts I try. In essence, I am wasting my time and the lines of communication are just about closed which will only expedite the dissolution of the marriage; basically I am ready to give up.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Nat345 View Post
                      ......She has adopted such a self-centered approach to our marriage, it is absolutely mind-boggling. If it is not my way / terms it is no way.I am willing to bet that only negative things I do get back to her friends, not the positive attempts I try. In essence, I am wasting my time and the lines of communication are just about closed which will only expedite the dissolution of the marriage; basically I am ready to give up.
                      You haven't seen anything yet. That darling you married will soon turn to be Lucifer's daughter, will grow fangs and you're in her cross hairs. Most here have been through it. It ain't fun but the sun does eventually come up again.

                      Brace yourself. It's can get ugly.

                      See a lawyer for a consultation - it's well worth the $$$ to know where you stand and what may be coming around the corner.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Stargate View Post
                        You haven't seen anything yet. That darling you married will soon turn to be Lucifer's daughter, will grow fangs and you're in her cross hairs. Most here have been through it. It ain't fun but the sun does eventually come up again.

                        Brace yourself. It's can get ugly.

                        See a lawyer for a consultation - it's well worth the $$$ to know where you stand and what may be coming around the corner.
                        HAHAHAHA.......cute

                        But probably true... be prepared for the worst!

                        Comment

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