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General Chat This forum is for discussing anything that doesn't fit into another forum, or for discussing things that are off topic, or just for general venting.

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  #1  
Old 09-23-2018, 07:35 PM
youngdad91 youngdad91 is offline
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Default condescending messages from ex?

I think we could all agree our exes know us the best, know how to write things to get under our skin, and what things can get our skin. For an ex who does this, what is the best way at avoid being put down by it ? Avoid reading messages from them all together ? I can't recall the last time I read a message from my ex and felt good after reading it.

how do you all deal with it because I simply can't.
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Old 09-23-2018, 08:04 PM
Ange71727 Ange71727 is offline
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The best thing I ever started doing I learned here: ignore, ignore, ignore. It was affecting my health and well being too. Ignore all the bs and pick out only the “business” parts that require a response. Be super cordial and business like. If nothing requires a response then don’t even reply. Since implementing this stance with my ex his emails have decreased substantially since it was all about sucking me into drama and e-fighting. It is so incredibly freeing. Sometimes it burns me that he can write things that are blatantly untrue but I tell myself that he’s the only petty person in the universe that thinks this way so better to ignore and focus on the people who build me up.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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  #3  
Old 09-23-2018, 09:43 PM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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The first year we separated we were pretty cordial, because I wanted to reconcile and he did not want to go to court. The second year when litigation started, it was nasty and we traded insults amongst all the messages.

Now that we are heading into our 3rd year, communication is basically zero. Unless one of the kids is heading to the emergency room, we do not communicate.

What exactly is your ex messaging you about that you cant figure out for yourself?
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Old 09-24-2018, 07:13 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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You have to either find a way to ignore them or just give yourself a period of time (say 30 minutes) and then go back to normal. You cant make them stop and you have another 20 some years so find a way.

My parents never stopped right up until one of them died!
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Old 09-25-2018, 02:42 PM
dad2bandm dad2bandm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ange71727 View Post
...Ignore all the bs and pick out only the “business” parts that require a response. Be super cordial and business like. If nothing requires a response then don’t even reply...

This.


Leave emotion out of it, and act like you're writing about a business matter. Your time is valuable, and so is your time with your children, so don't waste any energy on stupid comments, your ex pushing your buttons with insinuations, accusations, insults, etc. Be Spock, if you're a Star Trek fan.


A book and method that is often recommended for high conflict communication, especially with separated families.


https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/biff-responses/




Scan the garbage, to see if there is anything actually needing a response. If not, disregard. Move on.


If there is something relevant you need to communicate about, only respond to that point or matter, in a brief manner. As brief as possible. Your ex will hate that, and probably send more drivel. Repeat above, where necessary. Secretly enjoy that you're being the child focused parent, and how the other parent looks like an idiot.





Keep the communications. They may come in handy; you never know.



(They did for me. I was able to use the communications among other more serious issues, to show a judge why the custody should be changed so that I'm now primary (and not just short-term temporary). More serious stuff necessitated the change, but the judge did comment on the communication, to say how I was child focused, where the other parent was not. I know it helped me.)




The other tip about waiting a bit before responding (where it's even necessary), is also good. Most things, don't need a reply within minutes. Probably not even the same day.
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Old 09-26-2018, 08:54 AM
ifonlyihadknown ifonlyihadknown is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dad2bandm View Post
This.
The other tip about waiting a bit before responding (where it's even necessary), is also good. Most things, don't need a reply within minutes. Probably not even the same day.
I would second this one. The person being condescending is trying to push your buttons. They get a kick out of it. If you wait 2 or 3 days and come back with a dry, emotionless, to the point they don't get their thrills. Don't reward bad behavior.
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  #7  
Old 09-26-2018, 08:59 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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When I first started dating my partner I could never understand why he was always so frustrated with his ex. Then I saw her emails and realized she was using condescending statements to get under his skin. I told him he needs to read it, close it, sleep on it then respond and only to the yes or no question. He found that helpful.

Remember you are divorced for a reason and emotional warfare is the strategy of choice in divorce. Dont let them get to you.

(And yes I have to remind myself of this too. Its easy to fall into their trap even when you are outside the scope of the divorce.)
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Old 09-28-2018, 02:30 PM
denbigh denbigh is offline
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It honestly doesn't even bother me anymore, even when I get an email in which ex is swearing at me. When I read that stuff now, the first thing that comes to mind is "typical" The things people say reflect who they are as people, not who you are as a person. My ex's opinion has no value in my life anymore at all so what he says completely rolls off my back.

I did fall for some emotional emails in the beginning though.
Strageties:
Never reply right way, especially if it seems it was just sent to you, because then you end up in a real time email fight back and forth.
ignore all the garbage and only respond to the needed parts, write in professional detached business language
if a response is not required, never respond, even if get emails back that say "you have to respond to me"
If you are emotional, and write a response, never hit send, wait until the next day and go back and write it business like. or what I have done a few times is write a response in a word document and just vent. dont send it. Then the next day write an appropriate email

This goes for texts and phone calls as well.

Phone calls can be hard. My ex would try to bait me on the phone soon after separation. he would go on and on and on and it was so uncomfortable and hard to get off the phone and it was about our relationship. Then finally one time I said repeatedly I am not interested in discussing this, i am only interested in a coparenting relationship. and I repeated the same phrase over and over and over and over in response to every single thing he said. This went n about 5 minutes and he eventually hung up. That ended those conversations and the calls stopped. all communication was by text or email. Then maybe 6 months later another bizaar call in which I responded "i am sorry you feel that way" "i am sorry you feel that way" "i am sorry you feel that way"over and over and over and he eventually hung up again. Haven't had calls like that since.


Lastly, save the emails. After many of these terrible emails were shown in court, that also drastically cut down on the bad emails. I get one once in awhile now, maybe every few months.
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  #9  
Old 09-28-2018, 08:53 PM
ele110 ele110 is offline
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Talking

Mine always signs his emails by 'Sincerely' and his first and last name.
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  #10  
Old 09-29-2018, 12:13 AM
youngdad91 youngdad91 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ele110 View Post
Mine always signs his emails by 'Sincerely' and his first and last name.
oh boy. these must be some deep sincere emails.
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