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MEDIATION ADVICE WANTED - What is the Psychology of Angry Dad?

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  • MEDIATION ADVICE WANTED - What is the Psychology of Angry Dad?

    Can anyone offer general and/or specific advice as I get ready to attend mediation? ("Five-way" mediation, with our lawyers)


    Background
    He has only agreed to attend because I offered to pay the entire cost of the first three hour session. Significant emotional/psychological issues (he believes nothing is ever his fault in the relationship and all issues are due to my struggles with depression). Significant counselling mainly made things worse.

    Two main mediation issues: agreeing on an equity payout to him so I can keep the house (his main concern) and custody/access of our child (my main concern).

    Our child is just over 2 years. Separated for 6 months. I have always been the primary caregiver. While together Dad complained of the stress of being left with our child when I wanted to go out to run errands or do something on my own. When I left he was clearly threatening to "punish" me by pursuing a 50/50 custody arrangement.

    For seven months I've ensured that he has not gone more than one or two days without seeing her. He's a good Dad and they love each other.

    I am ready to effectively waive child support (in a creative legalese fashion), agree to a substantial increase in access and to joint decision making with a built-in dispute resolution mechanism. HOWEVER I will not consider 50/50 until our child is in at least Grade 1 or 2. He will have to fight me in court as I believe in my core it is not in her best interests at this age. I know there are SO many views on this and I appreciate all of them - it is just what I feel in my gut in our situation.

    CAN ANYONE OFFER ANY VIEWS OR EXPERIENCE ON HOW TO MAKE THIS DREAM/FANTASY A REALITY AT MEDIATION?

    I know it's mainly out of my hands. I know what I will and will not give in to and give up. I know what matters most to me and it's not money.

    Just putting this out there to access the collective wisdom. Thanks.


  • #2
    Plus, you can't waive child support, no matter how creatively you try. The best you could accomplish is using the offset method for 50-50, and then hope he ends up not exercising his access that much.

    As for his wanting of 50-50 not being in the best interests of the child, you have to make a better case against it than he does for it. And you have to make it to HIM, not a judge. If he truly has that much trouble with the child on his own, perhaps he'll agree to a slow ramp-up to 50-50 to occur over the next couple of years, maybe till the child starts JK.

    But yeah, if you are willing to fight him for this in court, mediation isn't going to go very well for you, is it?

    Listen to yourself, you are basically talking about buying his time with the child from him. Poor kid. And what dad would ever cave in on that??
    Last edited by Rioe; 02-09-2013, 10:17 PM.

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    • #3
      I think I can guess on the psychology of THAT angry dad now.

      Comment


      • #4
        To the original poster:

        Only you know if it's truly worth it to try mediation.

        If the other party is as you suggest, this book might help;
        High Conflict Institute: BOOK RELEASE: It's All Your Fault!

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        • #5
          You said you've ensured that he has not gone more than one or two days without seeing her, and you intend to agree to a substantial increase in access.

          Most Dad's don't get to see there child every other day, so what is the increase.

          When he sees her, does he take her out or to his home overnight? Or are you just allowing him a couple of hours with her at your home?

          The courts will not allow "no child support".

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          • #6
            Do not waive child support.
            Period.

            You don't have to involve FRO after the fact - which would allow you to 'forgive' child support if he falls behind or whatever.

            But always get an Order that stipulates what must be paid - so that you can chase enforcement if need be.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by belikebuddha View Post
              HOWEVER I will not consider 50/50 until our child is in at least Grade 1 or 2. He will have to fight me in court as I believe in my core it is not in her best interests at this age. I know there are SO many views on this and I appreciate all of them - it is just what I feel in my gut in our situation.
              I can't say with so limited information on the issues, but this may very well be a losing cause, and a costly lesson for you.

              I can appreciate your point of view. But it is only that. YOUR point of view.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by belikebuddha View Post
                Can anyone offer general and/or specific advice as I get ready to attend mediation? ("Five-way" mediation, with our lawyers)
                Honestly, it sounds like you are about to waste a lot of money. Mediation is only useful if you are willing to compromise, and it doesn't sound like you are ready.

                I know what you are thinking, you think that you are compromising on CS, because that is all he cares about, and therefore he should compromise on access, which he doesn't care about, while you do care.

                On one hand, you are right, there are ways to creatively give up CS (eg. unequal equalization), and if you are correct that he only cares about CS, then mediation is the way to go.

                However, if he wants 50/50 parenting, and you are not willing to give it, then you are going to drop a few thousand dollars on this nonsense and still have to pay for a trial. You are basing your entire strategy on the notion that he does not really want custody, and is doing it just to punish you. That is a serious assumption, and if you are wrong you will be absorbing a reasonably serious financial hit.

                He will have to fight me in court as I believe in my core it is not in her best interests at this age.
                Fighting in court is not in your child's best interests. You know that, which is why you are pursuing mediation. Don't pretend otherwise.

                CAN ANYONE OFFER ANY VIEWS OR EXPERIENCE ON HOW TO MAKE THIS DREAM/FANTASY A REALITY AT MEDIATION?
                Let him have the 50/50. Offer him frequent relief whenever he gets too tired of the children. Track it carefully. After a year or two, motion to change the agreement to the amount of custody that he actually accesses.

                You may be pleasantly surprised. I've known a number of people who I thought would be lousy parents who really grew into the role when given the chance.

                Consider the 50/50, it really is in your child's best interests.

                Going to court is a disaster, avoid it. You may think you are being an awesome mother by "fighting" for your child, but you are wrong. Parents who go to court to fight to keep their child away from the other parent have completely lost sight of what is best for their child.

                Try 50/50, really try it. If he sucks as a parent he'll be asking you to change the arrangement, you won't even have to force it.

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                • #9
                  I am ready to effectively waive child support (in a creative legalese fashion), agree to a substantial increase in access and to joint decision making with a built-in dispute resolution mechanism. HOWEVER I will not consider 50/50 until our child is in at least Grade 1 or 2. He will have to fight me in court as I believe in my core it is not in her best interests at this age. I know there are SO many views on this and I appreciate all of them - it is just what I feel in my gut in our situation.


                  As the other posters have already stated, you can't waive child support. CS is the right of the child, not the parent. You can certainly decide to save all of it in a savings account or RESP for the child's future use, however.

                  I'm curious as to why you're so vehemently opposed to a 50/50 access schedule? You've stated that your ex is a good father...and concerned about his child.

                  As your being the primary caregiver in the past is immaterial. You're getting a divorce and things change. Is there data to support that he will be negligent in stepping up to the plate to provide adequate care for your child...or is it something else?

                  Aside from you sounding falsely believing you're the gatekeeper here, I'm not sure you've clearly stated your objections to him having shared time.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by belikebuddha View Post
                    HOWEVER I will not consider 50/50 until our child is in at least Grade 1 or 2. He will have to fight me in court as I believe in my core it is not in her best interests at this age.
                    You've already got some good advice from the other posters in this thread. If you want mediation to work, then you need to compromise. 50/50 is generally viewed as best for your child.

                    The statement above from you, is not child-focused, and if mediation does not work (which it likely won't, since you are saying you won't compromise), I would suggest you do *not* go to court, with this same statement or mentality.

                    A judge will likely take a very dim view of this.

                    Comment

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