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  #1  
Old 10-06-2020, 03:51 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Default Co-Parent counselling AFTER separation/divorce: worthy endeavour? or waste of money?

I'm curious as to others take on whether co-parent counselling is worth it after divorce/separation? In particular where there is a history of conflict between the parents.

Just over 1 year out from the finalization of our separation agreement- and most importantly, a parenting plan- my ex pretty much refuses to go back to our co-parent counsellor. And that has been perfectly fine as our Agreement is highly specific and doesn't leave much room for disagreement. Plus she did her job and got us to a parenting plan that seems to be working.

My ex will spew stuff by email when he's discontent with something. He's pretty curt and does not make any effort at all to cordial. I would like it, for the sake of our daughter, if we could just be civil. But since we don't actually fight or disagree in front of her, it's something I accept. But I wonder if - with counselling- we could actually get to a 1/2 way decent co-parenting relationship.

Technically our agreement says either one of us can force continuation with co-parent counselling, but I wonder about the utility of it? And during these times, do I really want to spend $$$ on something my ex doesn't want to participate in?

Thoughts?
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Old 10-06-2020, 03:57 PM
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Janus Janus is offline
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1) If the other side is uninterested, it is unlikely that services that promote cooperation (mediation, coparenting, therapy) will be of any value.

2) If you only fight by email, I think that is fine

3) If you have a solid agreement that does not give room for arguments, why do you care?

Honestly, that is the situation I have with my ex. We despise each other, but our agreement is so comprehensive that we have almost never had an argument. (To give her some credit, she does follow the agreement, I know couples that regularly violate their agreements). We will never be coparents, but as far as the kids know we get along swimmingly.
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Old 10-06-2020, 03:59 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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If you want to spend the money, why not just get Our Family Wizard and that will stop him from sending you garbage?

Your ex will never agree with anything and will always express his displeasure at anything he cant control. Some people will never get to the civil aspect of parenting and it is hopeless to try. I think you are awesome for trying but your ex is just not that person.

Not the advice you were looking for but in my view based on your history and what you have said before, it wont work and you should just ignore it.


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Old 10-06-2020, 04:47 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janus View Post
Honestly, that is the situation I have with my ex. We despise each other, but our agreement is so comprehensive that we have almost never had an argument. (To give her some credit, she does follow the agreement, I know couples that regularly violate their agreements). We will never be coparents, but as far as the kids know we get along swimmingly.
That's very similar to my ex. He has been following the agreement - so credit where credit is due. And we both accommodate requests reasonably, but neither of us has to.

However, I do wonder if it's really true that the kids don't really know that their parents don't like each other?

The reason I ask this is because my best friend is going through her divorce- and she doesn't directly bad talk her ex to the kids- and they seemingly have a decent co-parenting relationship (meaning they're both fake-nice). BUT- the kids aren't doing so well. My friend thinks the kids are afraid to tell her stuff about going to their dad's, etc etc....and while I know she wouldn't actually badmouth their dad, her hate/anger is pretty palpable. I can't help but wonder if some co-parent therapy/counselling wouldn't help their situation.

Also their separation agreement suuuuucks as to parenting. I told her to go get that shit sorted, but her pride won't let her say to him that he should have more time with them.

Last edited by iona6656; 10-06-2020 at 05:34 PM. Reason: privacy
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Old 10-06-2020, 04:49 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
If you want to spend the money, why not just get Our Family Wizard and that will stop him from sending you garbage?

Your ex will never agree with anything and will always express his displeasure at anything he can�t control. Some people will never get to the �civil� aspect of parenting and it is hopeless to try. I think you are awesome for trying but your ex is just not that person.

Not the advice you were looking for but in my view based on your history and what you have said before, it won�t work and you should just ignore it.


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appreciate this advice...ha "want to spend money"....you mean throwing $$$ at my co-parenting problems won't solve them? bite your tongue.

For me- I think it's a non-starter; you're right my ex could care less about being civil. But in general- isn't trying for a decent relationship the right thing for the kids? maybe time will help.
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Old 10-07-2020, 08:45 AM
LovingDad1234 LovingDad1234 is online now
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I contemplated joint counseling after the completion of the court process as we are quite icy with one another when we need not be. I too thought the waters would calm after its all said and done, but actually any amicableness is now non-existent and actually bad behaviour from her side has gotten worse- as we are no longer in court.

I share some of the same thoughts as Iona. The parents need not sit at opposite ends of the gym for a school play or opposite ends of the stands. But my ex is bitter about the outcome of court, and in all likelihood, would use the counseling sessions as a means to get a professional ally in her corner. I've been told to stear clear of such joint counseling as my ex would only use it for self-serving purposes, and not for the intended outcome of bettering ourselves as coparents.

Last edited by LovingDad1234; 10-07-2020 at 08:50 AM.
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Old 10-07-2020, 10:07 PM
tilt tilt is offline
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Ya, no. If the less reasonable party suggested it, sure, but it would be you just spinning your wheel in joint counselling.

I WOULD recommend that you go, alone, to a parenting counsellor so you can learn new coping strategies/vent to someone about his behaviour/develop compassion for someone who has to live with that shit in their head all the time.

You can't change him, you can change yourself though.
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Old 10-12-2020, 08:52 PM
LovingDad1234 LovingDad1234 is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingDad1234 View Post
my ex is bitter about the outcome of court, and in all likelihood... my ex would only use it for self-serving purposes, and not for the intended outcome of bettering ourselves as coparents.
Further to this, I would hate for any suggestion on my part for joint counselling to be misconstrued and twisted by her. Despite the fact that judges are well-aware that former couples have some level of animosity, she would nonetheless try to use the suggestion as some sort of "admission" that we have difficulties getting along and suggest that therefore joint custody is not feasible. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised.

I've learned a long time ago that good intentions get you nowhere in Family Court.
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Old 10-13-2020, 04:57 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tilt View Post
Ya, no. If the less reasonable party suggested it, sure, but it would be you just spinning your wheel in joint counselling.

I WOULD recommend that you go, alone, to a parenting counsellor so you can learn new coping strategies/vent to someone about his behaviour/develop compassion for someone who has to live with that shit in their head all the time.

You can't change him, you can change yourself though.
I have continued with my own therapy since separation. It has and continues to provide me with some pretty good mechanisms to cope with my ex's behaviour when it comes to co-parenting. Interestingly enough though- according to my therapist, the real test is going to come when our daughter hits puberty / early teens. If/When she doesn't fall in line with what her dad deems to be acceptable feminine behaviour.
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Old 10-13-2020, 05:02 PM
tilt tilt is offline
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Yep, and girls tend to hit the “teen” years around 11 now. They all know therapy speak and what healthy relationships are supposed to look like and they push back against controlling, authoritarian parents. Good luck! Keep raising her to be a strong, smart girl.
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