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  • Question about post secondary education

    Hi,
    First time to this forum and needing some guidance.
    My husband pays cs for his child who will be 18 in the next year. He has not had a relationship with him for several years not because my husband wishes this but because of a very complicated situation.

    We have no idea what the intent is on his continuing education but figure that the mom will make sure he completes a "victory lap" to continue getting the large amount of cs payments we pay.

    The son has decided on his own that he wishes no contact from his father at all (we know it is the mothers over bearing ways that has caused this) and we have proof of this in a letter sent registered mail to us saying those exact words so my question is if he decides to go to post secondary school in the future will we still have to pay cs because he has unilaterally chosen not to have the relationship with his father?

  • #2
    CS and visitation are mutually exclusive. Both parents are obligated to support the child whether or not they see them. Post secondary is also not covered under CS, it's a section 7 expense and would be additional to CS.

    I find it really hard to believe that there are paying parents that resent what is now called 'the victory lap' and totally forget that Grade 13 (OAC/ whatever it was called 'back in the day') was just part of the kids' education.

    Sometimes it just IS in the kids' best interest and one should not get their knickers in a snit regardless of the why the child is attending - because it is a benefit to them.

    Comment


    • #3
      it is only a benefit to the child if they attend school without the need to take an over abundance number of days off because they don't "like" school and are not academically trying because they would rather be anywhere else but in school. This has been an ongoing problem with this child since day 1. In my day of going to school we got the day off if it was a professional development day, summer holiday or longweekend not just because I don't feel like going today kind of excuse.
      My question wasn't answered at all I feel I just got picked on about the extra year of schooling. I personally and this could just be my own opinion but I think that if a child doesn't want anything to do with a parent then why should they pay for that child when it is obvious the parent won't see any future outcome

      Comment


      • #4
        when the child matures a bit more they may reach out to the parent they rejected. Nothing is set in stone.

        There maybe a reason why the child doesnt like attending school regularly, it could be because they are not challenged enough or whatever. The extra year may give then more time to mature. Its not a bad thing.

        You logic is screwed. First you blame the mother for the father not having a relationship with the child but then want to cut off child support because the child doesnt want to see the father. If the mother is to blame then why punish the child?

        Comment


        • #5
          my logic is not screwed at all. I have the most caring husband a woman could ever ask for, he has been taken advantage of since the start of the relationship with this woman. She is the one that has called all the shots since day 1 and has as much as told my husband that he was only the sperm donor for their son. Keep in mind my husband has never been a day late on his cs and has always been there for his son, however he refuses to bend over anymore than he already has for he hasn't seen his son since he turned 12 years of age, this son is already 17 now. For reasons I am not going to get into it was the mother and son who decided not to pursue a relationship with the father not the other way around.
          I agree with your first 2 paragraphs and again we have no problem in cs payments but when a almost grown son refuses to be apart of our lives and just expects us to be "the bank" so they can skip school and drive around in their new car then I have a problem with that when they can't see the loving father that was always there for him

          Comment


          • #6
            I think it is wonderful when a young person stays in school nowadays. You cannot force your husband's son to like you. Hopefully someday your husband and his son will get together, by themselves, and gradually get to know each other again. It can't be easy for children of divorced parents.

            In my opinion school should be encouraged, even by step parents who resent the children of their partner.

            Comment


            • #7
              Sorry I forgot to welcome you to the forum!

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              • #8
                I only resent her for her controlling ways and the way she has destroyed the relationship my husband could have had with his son. He will never be able to get that back. Every child needs both parents in their life and by one parent saying that the other parent is bad it is like saying half of the child is bad. She has said that he is only a sperm donor, that is not right. It really saddens me considering the relationship they used to have. Hopefully down the road things will change, we can only hope and pray

                Comment


                • #9
                  Rivgal, I am in exactly same boat as you, but not that far (my Daughter is only 15), I have heard all kinds of trashing from my own D. I pay CS while she is a minor, but if she doesn't change her ways, I would also be opposed to continue the support after she is no longer minor.

                  While I understand other poster's opinions and advise, and would probably be saying the same thing if I did not experience this on myself, but kids gotta learn the hard way too. This topic was discussed in other posts, so I will just bring up short points that are self explanatory:
                  1) I paid for my own education (OSAP, graduated, got a job, payed down my own loan).
                  2) If a family is together, the child bulks at the rules (lets say) leaves home cause they are big shots without their parents, most parents would not continue to support those kids (defeats the purpose of letting them learn on their own). But if a family is divorced, and the kid bulks at one parent, that parent still must support the kid. It is the most unfair part of divorced families where you are obligated to do something that you would not have done if still together (like being responsible $ for education).

                  If the child is of an age of majority, and they make a conscious, ADULT decision of cutting out their parent from their life, that parent should not be obligated to continue the support even for such a great cause like education. Because again, if the family was intact, and the child abandoned his BOTH parents and wanted to have nothing to do with them and no contact, I bet the parents would not be tracking that child down begging them to take the money that they as parents obligated to provide. Just a thought ; )

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I kicked my husband out of the house and divorced him after 30 yrs. If you were to apply your theory to my situation (which I'm sure my ex would wholeheartedly agree with) then I would not receive SS.

                    [I am, of course, just playing the "devil's advocate" here.]

                    I don't believe CS or SS should ever be based upon personal relationships. Everyone's family dynamic situation is somewhat unique. While our system isn't perfect it at least is a system that is intended to be child-focused. If my son never spoke to me again, I would be hurt but at the same time confident that I contributed towards his education; helping him to get a good start in life. Before you know it they are gone and on their own.

                    I get totally angry at my son now (hes 31) when he doesn't keep his teeth clean as I recall my ex and I paying for all those visits to the dentist and braces for years! LOL

                    Hang in there - before you know it the kid will be asking for a loan for a house downpayment! If they are healthy, happy and employed then that's a very good thing.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      JB514, if two parents can come to an agreement on the child's post-secondary education, then the courts don't force anything on you. If you can't agree, then someone has to make a decision. That person is the judge. The judge has no interest in listening to how you walked to school every day in blizzard with holes in your shoes and got beat up in the washroom for your lunch money. The judge will apply a one-size-fits-all formula. That's the way it is. If you want to avoid a court decision, then learn how to resolve conflicts with your ex on your own.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Mess View Post
                        JB514, if two parents can come to an agreement on the child's post-secondary education, then the courts don't force anything.
                        Yes AGREE! The key word here is come to AGREEMENT. If family intact, the OP and myself would be in agreement with other spouses(Most likely). But when family is separated, the other parent does nothing to encourage the relationship and maybe even discourages, but will not come to an agreement that relieves the other parent of financial responsibility.

                        For example, in my case, my ex always worked under the table as a cleaner and actually makes good money. Draws social assistance and all the other possible benefits. So when the time comes for Post Sec. education, she will not be contributing her fair share to that, but will have no problem to expect me to cover my proportionate share of that 100%. If we were together still, she would not give any money out of pocket of our family and would expect the kid to get OSAP. But now, why not, she can do whatever she wants and it will not cost her anything.

                        I am aware what the courts would enforce or not (to some extend). But what I am saying is just an opinion that is based on emotions that would still be there if the family was intact and the child did what he/she did.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          When relationships between ex's get poisoned communication comes to a halt. People don't think about the difficulties this non-communication will cause in years to come because they tend to be caught up in the moment of hate. Working under the table and collecting social welfare benefits is not uncommon. Someone doing it and having their ex find out about it is really very short-sighted.

                          I would get all the evidence I could about underthetable work and confront ex with it. Divorce wars aren't any fun but a person has to stick up for themself as no one else will. If you are being screwed over, know she works but doesn't declare the income, then I'd say "game on" and call her on it. With information in hand you would probably get your ex to agree, very quickly, to pay her portion of the education expenses. Your position should be to simply prove income. What or how she deals with social assistance is not your concern and should be left alone.

                          I'd quit playing the victim and stick up for yourself. Information and knowledge is power - use it.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Thanks for the encourageing words there JB514, I am glad someone understands me. If anyone knows me they would say that I can get along with anyone anytime, I am the most understanding and non judgemental person that would give the shirt off my back. I have always gotten along with my partners ex's and all of my ex's for that matter, however this ex of my husband is something else..ever heard of the phrase my way or the highway? I think she wrote that phrase herself.
                            My husband was never allowed to discipline the children when he was married even if he told the kids to pick a wrapper off the floor after they dropped it she would say "you can't speak to the kids that way"
                            When we were seeing the son we always rain or shine would pick him up from school on Wed for our over night visit, well one day he was not as his usual spot and we got really worried so we drove around and finally went to their house, finally he showed up and we asked him where he was, he had forgot but my husband had said we got really worried, he said this in a very calm manner, however the ex said stop yelling at him stop yelling at him...the only yelling was coming out of her and making the son more upset..the stories go on and on, we are sad so sad that he has chosen not to be apart of our lives but the added stress levels have gone completely now that we don't have to deal with her anymore

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by rivgal1964 View Post
                              Thanks for the encourageing words there JB514, I am glad someone understands me. If anyone knows me they would say that I can get along with anyone anytime, I am the most understanding and non judgemental person that would give the shirt off my back. I have always gotten along with my partners ex's and all of my ex's for that matter, however this ex of my husband is something else..ever heard of the phrase my way or the highway? I think she wrote that phrase herself.
                              My husband was never allowed to discipline the children when he was married even if he told the kids to pick a wrapper off the floor after they dropped it she would say "you can't speak to the kids that way"
                              When we were seeing the son we always rain or shine would pick him up from school on Wed for our over night visit, well one day he was not as his usual spot and we got really worried so we drove around and finally went to their house, finally he showed up and we asked him where he was, he had forgot but my husband had said we got really worried, he said this in a very calm manner, however the ex said stop yelling at him stop yelling at him...the only yelling was coming out of her and making the son more upset..the stories go on and on, we are sad so sad that he has chosen not to be apart of our lives but the added stress levels have gone completely now that we don't have to deal with her anymore
                              i thought there was only one child?

                              Comment

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