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  • OVER 18, not in school (illness???)

    I have a different situation I have been unable to find anything on this forum the in the same situation, My husband has a daughter who turned 18 last January, just before her 18th birthday we found out she wasn't attending school, contacted the school and found out she had been demitted the beginning of december. According the ex she was really ill (news to us) although the school has never been informed of this so called illness. My husband was really upset since his daughter doesn't even have her grade 12 (was currently in grade 12) Ex and daughter said she was doing much better and returning second semester in february. I sent letter of to FRO to discontinue support trying to force her to return, Ex told FRO she was still attending and had only missed 20 days (school told me she had been demitted after 49 missed days). I assumed everything was back to normal 2nd semester until Easter (april), my daughter made some comments that a light bulb went off and i decided to call the school again, which i found out she was not attending again. I went to lawyer and filed application, I obtained all records from the school which shows she went 9 days first semester and 5 second semester, went to case conference which settled nothing, ex produced one doctors note saying she was ill for the last few weeks and unable to attend school dated november 14th, was also sent for a scope because of nausea and everything came back normal, although we have pictures of daughter at a halloween party on october 29th, daughter has posted on facebook all the times she has went to the show with boyfriend which all seem to be days she hasnt attended school and also she attended prom in May, she wasn't allowed to buy the ticket but had a friend buy the ticket (all posted on facebook) ex actually sat across from husband and when husbands lawyer and judge were writing notes she mouthed "f... you" , real classy girl. Anyway lawyer filed motion and we go on June22 to terminate support. This child had a job but decided she doesn't want to work at mcdonalds so she does nothing now, no school, no work. When she was at our home at christmas my husband sat here and talked to her about her education and how important it was and told her if you were in my home if you werent' in school you would be working and her response was "Thats why i don't live with you" She does whatever she wants. This child had no plans to attend college and no motivation and they knew child support was gonna come to an end once she was done school. Also wanted to include her mom is such a role model she has only worked a total of 8 years of her adult life (she is 45 years old and currently on WSIB for the last 3 years) was a receptionist at a real estate lawyers office, claimed hurt her back at work. We have no problem supporting daughter as long as she is attending school and fully expected to until she finished hopefully college but we are tired of supporting these two allowed to sit around on the backs of other people. What are our chances of this motion being accepted?

  • #2
    uugh paragraphs are not a bad thing to be avoided

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    • #3
      I think this is your husband's issue and you getting involved is not going to help anyone.
      How many years his wife worked is frankly non of your business.
      If your husband isnt prepared to pay CS, it is he who should be dealing with it, unless of course you have the time because he is working and you are not and he is supporting YOU.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by momforever1956 View Post
        I think this is your husband's issue and you getting involved is not going to help anyone.
        How many years his wife worked is frankly non of your business.
        If your husband isnt prepared to pay CS, it is he who should be dealing with it, unless of course you have the time because he is working and you are not and he is supporting YOU.
        So its not right for a man to support his wife while married but according to some of your other posts, a woman should pull out all the stops to get SS??

        The poster never said he wasnt prepared to keep paying CS but it has to be fair, if the girl is over 18 and not in school then its not fair to him to have to keep paying.

        As to the ex wife working, it is up to her to support her child also.

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        • #5
          I agree with you, I believe that the ex wife should be contributing to support the child and if they child is over 18 and not in school, he(she) should be working, etc. That was not the real point of my post.
          Divorce is usually although not always but usually filled with lots of emotions, hurt, and many other things.
          I believe that the people directly involved, ie the parents should be dealing with this and not the new partner.
          What I believe about SS has nothing to do with this post.
          I understand that the OP is the new partner, and getting involved will likely cause more conflict than finding a resolution. Just the fact that she is talking about the x and how many years she has worked, is irrelevant to CS and the daughter and truly non of her business.
          Just on a side note--you say HE,, he is not the one writing SHE is.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by momforever1956 View Post
            I agree with you, I believe that the ex wife should be contributing to support the child and if they child is over 18 and not in school, he(she) should be working, etc. That was not the real point of my post.
            Divorce is usually although not always but usually filled with lots of emotions, hurt, and many other things.
            I believe that the people directly involved, ie the parents should be dealing with this and not the new partner.
            What I believe about SS has nothing to do with this post.
            I understand that the OP is the new partner, and getting involved will likely cause more conflict than finding a resolution. Just the fact that she is talking about the x and how many years she has worked, is irrelevant to CS and the daughter and truly non of her business.
            Just on a side note--you say HE,, he is not the one writing SHE is.
            there is no way humanly possible for a spouse to keep out of it totally. Its human nature for people to talk to their spouse about things and ask their spouse how to handle it or ideas of what to do.

            The conflict is there already due to the mother and child trying to pull a fast one on the father by the kid not being in school, over 18 and not being honest about that. Do you not think that the mother is the one creating the conflict and not the OP?? The OP just wants the conflict to end. To me the mother should have to pay back every dime she is getting thru the fraud and have to pay double back to the father as a punishment.

            Comment


            • #7
              to momforever1956, i am most definately involved, i have played a part in my stepdaughters life since she was 2 1/2 years old and to see her end up without even her grade 12 is going to be devasting for not just him, we want better than that for her, i have worked myself for the last 27 years and never relied on anyones support, not even from my ex for our two children. We all know people out there that suck the system dry... WSIB, welfare, EI and the list goes on and that's fine if thats the life she chooses but we don't want that for his daughter.

              She needs to get her education, money is not the factor here but we feel it is the only thing we have to get her back to school.

              My apologies, myself and my husband wrote this together, it was actually both our points of view, we are just really worried about the situation with his daughter, after the case conference (may 31st ) his ex told him she was glad because from now on he wasn't welcome in his daughters life, and he has no contact with her since, no one answers the phone or responses from her email.

              I honestly believes she is just pissed cause they got caught lying. What kind of parent lets their child miss a whole year of school? Would you? Remember there is absolutely no medical proof that this child has been ill!

              Comment


              • #8
                You have to consider that they may be something wrong here. I have a hard time beleiving that a mother wil be keeping her child out of school.

                How was she performing at school prior this, was school a challenge? Usually Kids, that drop out school, start showing sign in prior years, decline in grades, decline in attendance, anxiety...

                Was there any psychological challenges with her? Did she ever discussed what was her dreams for her future?

                In a situation like, it is sad when parents can't put aside their difference in order to intervene for the benefit of their daugther.

                The fact is that she will realize pretty soon, that she does not have much for heself, when she see that all her friends are moving to college, university or even making a living for themselves.

                She will feel pretty lonely. Be ready for that time and keep the door open as she may need support to reintegrate the school system.

                While you may have provided CS to the mother, at one point the mother will not be willing to provide for what a young adult may desire of life.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I agree, I have a hard time thinking a mother would keep her child out of school also, we had been working with the school to try and get her back and her mother would not co-operate at all as far as providing medical information, (really because there was none) they were very frustrated with the whole situation, but no she has always liked school and always done very well.

                  They even cut her back to 2 classes a day to try and get her back she attended a couple of days, ten stopped and then continued to lie to us saying she was back even though we had been in contact with her vice principal and him telling us she wasn't.

                  We will always be here for her, when she is ready and some day hope she knows how hard we fought for her future.

                  She actually played a lead role in her musical play last year and did an amazing performance. We were so proud of her.

                  We have tried to figure out what changed and the only thing we could come up with was her boyfriend whom she started seeing the previous may who already is attending college and her best friend who was a year older and graduated. We have met her boyfriend and he seems like a really nice kid, only a year older than her and seems to have his head on straight.

                  The only thing we are not sure of is we don't believe he and his family is even is aware she is not attending school, just because of some of the things posted on facebook, she seems to indicate she is just doing a victory lap at school in september.

                  When she was finishing grade 11 she always said she wanted to be a nurse, and we encouraged it, great job and future. Now she doesn't want that and just keeps saying I don't know what i want to do.

                  When we first found out she was out of school, hubby called and inquired about what was going on and was yelled and screamed at by his ex, said it was none of his business, she had sole custody and hung up on him, that was when we started by sending a letter to FRO. Then the nightmare began and here we are 10 months later and she achieved nothing in her entire school year.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Don't forget to ask for costs, and for the support you paid since the turned 18 onward to be returned. Some people only learn when you hit them in the pocketbook. Should be open and shut. Child is age of majority and not attending full time school. Ergo a self sufficient adult. Time to put on the big girl pants.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      If she was doing well in school, there must be an event or something that happened that you are missing. She is acting like she is in denial if she is hiding from her bf of what is going on.

                      While she have may appeared to be doing well, sometimes teenagers are agile in keeping the appearance good while there is psychological challenges in their life. She may be in denial hoping that by miracle her problems will go away.

                      There is not much you can do since she is over 18 and does not appear to be in immediate danger.

                      I believe that she is need of counselling in order to face whatever is causing her to give up her school and refusal to face the reality.


                      Only thing, that I can see, is to try reaching someone that is close enough to her to get a better understanding of what is really going on.

                      Fighting with the mother about CS isnot be constructive and will just provide them reason to close the door. Teenagers does not tend to understand what you are trying to do, but on the contrary can take it as a rejection or abandonment.

                      The message to her really needs to be positive on the fact that you are there to support her but have concern. If she is willing to go, offer to pay for counselling or life coach. You really need to find the cause in order to help her.

                      I am telling you that from experience, this is even more difficult to understand when the teenager is smart and have all the capabilities of doing well at school. The teenager can not admit that they in fact need help, and will make the issue grew bigger by denying it.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        get child support to the mother stopped. The practice some tough love. Tell the child you are willing to still pay directly to her the CS if she stays in school, shows proof and makes an effort. If she wont to it then no money.

                        If the mother bitches about providing a roof over the childs head then the kid can come stay with you with no CS being paid directly to her or her mother can charge her rent.

                        I know people wont agree with me but when does the support of a young adult who doesnt want to work or go to school suppose to stop? Cant support them forever. The mother wont provide proof of this so-called medical issue or any reason why the child is off school. It may not be the mother keeping the child out of school. Use to be at 16 a kid could drop out and that was it. The mother just wants to free money to keep coming.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
                          get child support to the mother stopped. The practice some tough love. Tell the child you are willing to still pay directly to her the CS if she stays in school, shows proof and makes an effort. If she wont to it then no money.

                          If the mother bitches about providing a roof over the childs head then the kid can come stay with you with no CS being paid directly to her or her mother can charge her rent.

                          I know people wont agree with me but when does the support of a young adult who doesnt want to work or go to school suppose to stop? Cant support them forever. The mother wont provide proof of this so-called medical issue or any reason why the child is off school. It may not be the mother keeping the child out of school. Use to be at 16 a kid could drop out and that was it. The mother just wants to free money to keep coming.
                          We agree with the tough love approach but not in our hands (FRO). Daughter would never agree to live with us, there are rules she would not abide by and the last time she was here was last christmas and lasted 3 days before calling mom and her screaming to bring her home. The rule was she had to be in bed my midnight and up by 9am, no electronics, cell phone, laptop...etc after midnight, she was pissed. Also we live an hour away from them, obviously at 18 we cannot force her, believe me we have thought of it.

                          If you saw these school records you can see, that all these absences have been shown as parent approved or mother called in, up until nov 24th, then it started showing possibly quit, because no contact was being made to the school at all, the same thing happened 2nd semester.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            It seems to be a classic case when the mother does not have control over the D and is afraid to admit it.
                            The mother is in over her head and will have great difficulty when she realize she can no longer support her D or get tired of this situation.

                            Hopefully she will cut her off from all benefits like internet, allowance... sooner than later.

                            At that point, the crisis will escaladed to a different level and you will hope that this will give a reality check to D. This seems logic but the reality is that to go through this is not as simple and really hard on a parent to watch their child throwing their life away.

                            This will opens the doors for manipulation and desperate reactions and unless you are all united on the approach, it will fail.

                            I manage to straight up my child from a similar situation but did not let it go that far. I had recourse to the school, counselors, the father even though we were not in speaking terms, dr, education plan, regular meetings with the school etc. I had to insist for the teachers involment in applying the same approach and sharing ideas that was woking. Beleive me it is even more difficult to get services when the child is smart and does not qualify for most services.

                            It is not perfect but a least the child graduated high school and is going to college. That was a full time job and did required additionnal funding for some services but it was worth it if that produce a future for my child.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Moolight View Post
                              It seems to be a classic case when the mother does not have control over the D and is afraid to admit it.
                              The mother is in over her head and will have great difficulty when she realize she can no longer support her D or get tired of this situation.

                              Hopefully she will cut her off from all benefits like internet, allowance... sooner than later.

                              At that point, the crisis will escaladed to a different level and you will hope that this will give a reality check to D. This seems logic but the reality is that to go through this is not as simple and really hard on a parent to watch their child throwing their life away.

                              This will opens the doors for manipulation and desperate reactions and unless you are all united on the approach, it will fail.

                              I manage to straight up my child from a similar situation but did not let it go that far. I had recourse to the school, counselors, the father even though we were not in speaking terms, dr, education plan, regular meetings with the school etc. I had to insist for the teachers involment in applying the same approach and sharing ideas that was woking. Beleive me it is even more difficult to get services when the child is smart and does not qualify for most services.

                              It is not perfect but a least the child graduated high school and is going to college. That was a full time job and did required additionnal funding for some services but it was worth it if that produce a future for my child.
                              Bingo, you hit the nail on the head with that one i think. Heaven forbid the mother have a sit-down with the father and tell him she cant handle the daughter. She may see it as admitting failure as a mother (even though that may be far from the truth) and the father gloating about it. Not that he would.

                              Comment

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