My turn to vent...

[InterprovincialParents]

But about what, really? I guess I just don't get how what dad said was wrong or unreasonable or affects her in any way.

And if the boy has already been using the step dad's ;ast name for so long then why do you think now would make a difference to have it legally changed. You could simply apply, have the paperwork done and not say anything to the kid until he's old enough to ask and understand. Then you don't have to worry about the self esteem issue at all.

I vent at what I took as a blackmail attempt (albeit dead in the water) to have my husband adopt his child, effectively relieving bio-dad of ANY responsibility...the following was the last I received....

"yes I would consent to your husband adopting him. Having said that, I am and always will be k's father and my door is always open to him."

Does that mean I still encourage and facilitate after an adoption? Or that he wants out?

[blinkandimgone]

Why don't you just ask him? At least then you'd know instead of trying to guess and potentially being wrong.

Curious though, if the new husband does adopt him, what happens if the boy decides he wants to live with his dad at some point? Does the child no longer have that right?

[InterprovincialParents]

The adoption process eliminates a biological parents' rights and responsibilities to a child...if son wanted to live with his biological dad down the road, I would be concerned about the parenting capabilities on a long-term basis, and his bio-dad would have no rights with regard to custody or access...I would never prohibit my son from seeing his bio-father, but I certainly would then object to him living with him, as the adoption would then erase all parental rights and responsibilities... Legally, he would forfeit all rights. And all responsibilty.

Why don't I ask him....it took me over 2 months to get the response I got on the change of name application...or, when his son called him to wish him a happy birthday, he left a message that was never even returned...or maybe I am just getting tired of being the one asking all the time...

[blinkandimgone]

Sorry, I meant the child's rights, is the child giving up his rights to decide how much he wants his dad is in his life?

You can't make someone else want to parent or make the effort. It's sad but sometimes thats just the way it is.

[InterprovincialParents]

Does the child no longer have that right?

No, the child no longer has that right...and that is what has me on the fence...bio-dad becomes just another person to him...if at all involved.

[InterprovincialParents]

Since my son is only 10, adoption is not an issue I have discussed with him...and he seems content with the status quo of having two dads.

My biggest pro for adoption is that should I die, there would be no financial incentive for my ex to want custody...he is not parent material, much as we try. Custody would then revert to my husband, whom I trust as a parent.

[blinkandimgone]

What would be the financial incentive for him to want custody?? Children aren't cheap.

[InterprovincialParents]

he would then get my assets left for son in will, as well as considerable life insurance...

[InterprovincialParents]

Children aren't cheap...but when you consider what a lazy parent who does not care much about their child can do with over a half a million, it is grounds I think his father would find very attractive...

[blinkandimgone]

Could you not put them in trust to someone else? That would eliminate the concern that he'd have the chlid just for the money.

[InterprovincialParents]

Could you not put them in trust to someone else? That would eliminate the concern that he'd have the chlid just for the money.

I can, and have, but it would be a fight...it is left in trust for him until he is 25, with provisions for a monthly amount for his care, as well as a changing monthly amount and more discretion for the trustee upon post=secondary school, with an estate trustee (hubby if he outlives me, sister-in-law if we die together) But the problem would be the litigation that would likely ensue...Bio would automatically get custody upon my death (regardless of will and last wishes) and would then get a tidy sum per month from my estate for his care...

[InterprovincialParents]

Son's best interest? Stay with "dad", in the community and school he knows and is a part of....but my ex has always been materialistic.

[InterprovincialParents]

Thanks for letting me vent...came to my conclusion via discussion

[monkees]

I am going through a very similar situation as yourself. My ex has never been very interested in being a father at all. I have sole custody and my kids see their father a few times a year but had been absent out of their lives for several years as well. I have encouraged my kids to get to know their father. Sadly in my situation he only sees them so he does not have to pay support. We live in different provinces and he fought to have support stopped in return of him paying for their travel. Needless to say he is saving thousands but when the kids go there they feel like they are staying with a total stranger. The kids both have my madien name as well. They veiw my husband, their step dad as "dad" and he veiws them as his children. We have been togther since they were very young.

I have never pursued a name change even though I would like to and my husband would love to adopt them. I fear if I cross that line or even put it out there for him to consdier he would fight it. He does not want to be a dad but for some reason does not want them to have a dad either. I have carefully put a lot of planning into my estate if I should die while they are minors but still have that fear that he would be finacially motivated to fight my husband for their custody. My kids are teens so that fear has become less now as I know that their wishes would be respected.

I empathize totally with your situation and wish you all the best. It is so sad when the best interests of the kids becomes about money and how little they want to pay rather than fostering what could be a great relationship. If I was in your situation I would pursue the adoption.

Good luck with whatever you choose!

[InterprovincialParents]

I will be pursuing the adoption, but will wait the 6-8 weeks for the name change to come through so that there is less confusion on WHO is being adopted. lol I don't trust the courts to get it right, and my husband would end up with two kids, same first name, different surnames...lol