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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #11  
Old 09-10-2019, 04:05 PM
sahibjee sahibjee is offline
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Thank you for your feedback everyone.
Just to clarify I have been taking care of my autistic son since he was in diapers and his mother left him to get married for the third (and now fourth) time. I am not new to parenting. I have done it for a number of years now. She has done these kinds of shenanigans all along, and I have taken care of things, it is just that this week my usual go-to people aren't available for pickup/drop offs

From what you guys are saying It does sound like the non-custodial parent has an enormous amount of control over the custodial parent's life without any repercussions. You might say babysitting costs are repercussions but she isn't even paying her due child support (pays $10/m to dodge FRO triggers) she isn't going to pay babysitting fees. And whenever she learns (from son) that I might have plans to be out of town, she pulls this crap, I have put up with this for a while but the bottom line is there should be some legal measures to curtail this kind of behavior. Oddly enough when she was the temp-custodial parent for a year, she would regularly dock my access citing her rights as a custodial parent and didn't even get a scolding from the judge, now that I am the custodial parent, she throws my custodial status in my face as some sort of a curse with impunity.


I like the reduction in access suggestion made above.

How many instances of no-show do I need to have to make an argument to have her access reduced to just EOW Saturday xx AM to Sunday xx PM? that way at least we'd get some uncertainity out of the way.

To eliminate the wednesday/thrusday and monday mornings would it matter that she drops off the autistic child at school while the doors are locked and before anyone is there without adult supervision? I learned about it only at the end of last school year but wouldn't want to have that repeated this year, especially since the winter is coming and he is at a new school

Last edited by sahibjee; 09-10-2019 at 04:11 PM.
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  #12  
Old 09-10-2019, 04:20 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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You could tell her you want to change times to Sat-Sun but then she would expect a new order. If you want to do any changes you will need court since she seems like someone who will not agree to anything.

Never tell her your plans beforehand. Technically you just need to tell her how to reach you. Anything she can use to hold you hostage she will.

As for daycare, submit it to FRO anyway. They will collect. Eventually she will end up with enough in there to hit her really hard. They donít close the file until ordered, agreed or paid. So keep sending in those bills!

It really sucks that you are in this position but your son benefits from your care and focus. Unfortunately there will be moments when it is super frustrating that you have to deal with this but at the end of the day, you have your son and eventually he will see who the better parent is.
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  #13  
Old 09-10-2019, 08:11 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Default What are my options?

Itís my understanding that children on the spectrum thrive on consistency and predictability in their schedule. While it doesnít sound like sheís doing anything to harm the child...is the lack of consistency affecting him?

Do you have a therapist who works with your son who could stress the importance of consistency to mom?

It doesnít sound like immediate legal action is needed. But if her inconsistency is really hindering his care- then I think I would consider looking at alternative parenting times.

Itís annoying when the other parent flakes out...but itís not really about you.
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  #14  
Old 09-11-2019, 08:43 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sahibjee View Post
From what you guys are saying It does sound like the non-custodial parent has an enormous amount of control over the custodial parent's life without any repercussions.

Just assume that the NCP will not be using their parenting time and plan accordingly. If they happen to actually pick up the kid, enjoy a good Netflix marathon or get caught up on chores.


Your ex controls you only as much as you let her control you.


Quote:
You might say babysitting costs are repercussions but she isn't even paying her due child support (pays $10/m to dodge FRO triggers) she isn't going to pay babysitting fees.
That is a completely separate issue from the flaking out. Can you indefinitely pay $10/month to avoid FRO acting on a case? Seems like a major loophole that more people would be exploiting if it were true.


Quote:
And whenever she learns (from son) that I might have plans to be out of town, she pulls this crap
So why would you continue to tell your son when you have plans to be out of town?


Does this forum attract people who like drama? How clueless do you have to be to complain that telling your son about your out-of-town plans causes trouble, and then continue to tell your son about your out-of-town plans?


Quote:
How many instances of no-show do I need
Idea: Start sending her emails every time she misses. Keep a running track in each message of the missed parenting time. For example:


Email 1:
On September 9th, you cancelled your parenting time with 22 hours notice


Please do not cancel your parenting time, it is not in the best interests of our child.





Email 2:
On September 9th, you cancelled your parenting time with 22 hours notice.


On September 22nd, you cancelled your parenting time with 2 days notice.


Please do not cancel your parenting time, it is not in the best interests of our child.





Email 3:


On September 9th, you cancelled your parenting time with 22 hours notice.


On September 22nd, you cancelled your parenting time with 2 days notice.


On October 4th, you cancelled your parenting time with 14 hours notice.


Please do not cancel your parenting time, it is not in the best interests of our child.




... either she will be shamed into stopping her nonsense, or you will have a pretty solid record to bring to court, one that has been shared with her repeatedly so she cannot possibly claim ignorance.
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  #15  
Old 09-12-2019, 03:10 PM
sahibjee sahibjee is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janus View Post

So why would you continue to tell your son when you have plans to be out of town?


Does this forum attract people who like drama? How clueless do you have to be to complain that telling your son about your out-of-town plans causes trouble, and then continue to tell your son about your out-of-town plans?


It's usually best not to just assume things and then be so condescending based on your incorrect assumptions, asking for more details could help you become a more positive person.



He over heard me on the phone, thats how he knew.
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  #16  
Old 09-12-2019, 03:19 PM
sahibjee sahibjee is offline
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So here is what helped: sticking to my guns.
She said she wonít pick him up, I said well I am not around, she replied she wonít pick him up again. I said I am not around, and I am not going to go in circles anymore, your access day, you figure it out.

At the end she sent one final nasty email about canceling all her future holiday accesses and any accesses landing on PA days and talking to police and "authorities" taking me to court etc, but she did end up picking him up, at least yesterday, we'll see what happens tomorrow.
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  #17  
Old 09-12-2019, 05:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sahibjee View Post
It's usually best not to just assume things... blah blah you don't know me

Quote:
Originally Posted by sahibjee View Post
And whenever she learns (from son) that I might have plans to be out of town, she pulls this crap

Quote:
Originally Posted by sahibjee View Post
He over heard me on the phone, thats how he knew.
You must be incredibly unlucky. I can't believe that every time you make plans, your son overhears you on the phone and then relays the message to mom, who then sabotages your escapades.

Every. Single. Time.

Have you ever considered, y'know, not talking about secret stuff when your son is around?
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  #18  
Old 09-12-2019, 10:36 PM
sahibjee sahibjee is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janus View Post
You must be incredibly unlucky. I can't believe that every time you make plans, your son overhears you on the phone and then relays the message to mom, who then sabotages your escapades.

Every. Single. Time.

Have you ever considered, y'know, not talking about secret stuff when your son is around?

After i broke up with my ex, some one gave me a great piece of advice which I have kept close to me and it has always worked. "disassociate from negative people fast".


You replied twice, both times in a negative way, its not hard to see why you landed on these forms. Due to your own behaviour you are now blocked.
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  #19  
Old 09-12-2019, 11:06 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sahibjee View Post
After i broke up with my ex, some one gave me a great piece of advice which I have kept close to me and it has always worked. "disassociate from negative people fast".


You replied twice, both times in a negative way, its not hard to see why you landed on these forms. Due to your own behaviour you are now blocked.

What do you do? Surround yourself with simpering sycophants?

If you were a mom and came in here with the same dilemma, you would be shouted down so fast.

Tell us something- how does it benefit your son to force his mother to spend time with him, when she doesnít seem that interested in it?

You think itís her responsibility? No itís not. You took that away from her by obtaining sole custody.

Tunnelight actually made a good point. When your kid gets left at school or you have no one to watch them on the weekend, as the custodial parent- thatís a family emergency and your employer has to let you attend to it. If you have to travel for work on the weekend and canít arrange child care- guess what? You get a different job.

You forcing mom to do her share just shows youíre not really ready for sole custody.
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  #20  
Old 09-12-2019, 11:27 PM
sahibjee sahibjee is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
You forcing mom to do her share just shows youíre not really ready for sole custody.

For God's sake please tell me you are not a parent. if you, are immediately hand over custody to the other parent. you are not sane.
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