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  #1  
Old 08-22-2019, 10:11 PM
Bananie Bananie is offline
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Default Strategies to ask for divorce

How do you propose divorce to a spouse that really does not want to. I want to do it in way that it doesn't lead to further conflict, as we have young children. Any tips are positive stories are welcome!
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Old 08-22-2019, 10:35 PM
Berner_Faith Berner_Faith is offline
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You’re going to be hard pressed to find positive stories around divorce...

There isn’t really a way to discuss this that won’t cause hard feelings if your spouse isn’t looking for a divorce. Best to just let them know you’re wanting a divorce and then start working out an agreement... be prepared for this to drag on though


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Old 08-23-2019, 03:18 AM
Stillbreathing Stillbreathing is offline
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Be prepared to spend the next 10 plus years in court battling with your spouse if they don’t want to be reasonable. Also be prepared to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars each on legal fees. You are about to open the gates of hell even if you think your life is already hell. Entering through the gates of family court is another kind of hell altogether. It’s going to sear your soul and you will be unrecognizable to even yourself when you emerge from it ( if you ever do).

You will suddenly find yourself in the midst of tribal warfare. Your family, friends, legal team, experts, etc against your former spouse’s tribe. It will get ugly and viscous and dehumanizing. The bottom feeding lawyers and court appointed experts will start to circle. They will smell the bleeding of your family’s financial resources and like sharks in a feeding frenzy will go ballistic. Your house, your investments, your savings, your credit cards, your pension... nothing is spared. They’ll take it all, leave you in financial and emotional ruin and kick you to the curb so they can feast on the next unsuspecting person who enters the family law arena.
...Oh, and in that state they’ll expect you to somehow provide for and look after your kids.

They will have fed you a line about “best interests of the children “. What they don’t tell you is that it’s not YOUR children’s best interests the court has in mind but rather the best interests of the lawyer’s, judge’s and expert’s children they really care about. Your hard earned money is going to fund their children’s Ivy League University expenses and trips to Hawaii while you and your kids are forced to eat peanut butter and jam sandwiches under a bridge somewhere.
Good luck and Goodspeed to you
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Old 08-23-2019, 11:20 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bananie View Post
How do you propose divorce to a spouse that really does not want to. I want to do it in way that it doesn't lead to further conflict, as we have young children. Any tips are positive stories are welcome!
If you and your spouse are modeling crappy relationship behaviour to your kids. That's not good.

I think working with a third party may be helpful if you can afford it. Sometimes, people respond to a neutral third party saying "well, shit, this isn't good for you guys, or your kids. Maybe you should separate". Take things one step at a time.

Do you have the means for some marriage therapy? Does either spouse have an EAP program you can use?

Try to stay out of court if you can. But if the other party really is high conflict (and only you can really know that)- then...well, you have no choice sometimes. Just gear up. I saw your other post- if the other party is a high conflict- for the love of god, do NOT use a collaborative lawyer.
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Old 08-23-2019, 11:31 AM
Bananie Bananie is offline
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do you regret getting a divorce? what were your other options?
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Old 08-23-2019, 11:38 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bananie View Post
do you regret getting a divorce? what were your other options?
No, I don't.

My ex was abusive. So I really had no other option.

But we were also not well suited. We had different expectations of marriage. And I didn't want our daughter growing up dealing with her parents' constant unhappiness- that was not the relationship I wanted to model for her.

I tried to get us help- we were on waiting lists for marriage counselors. But it was too late. Shit hit the fan one night and I had to get out.
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Old 08-25-2019, 09:29 PM
Helpmyspouse Helpmyspouse is offline
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Stilbreathing, what you describe is spot on right down to the you will have nothing left and you are still expected to provide for any children. It's disgusting what happens to families. The system will pour salt in open wounds as if you aren't suffering enough. I understand completely know how people separate by just living separately in the marital home. That is obviously not possible in most situations. But kiddos to those couples who refuse to allow lawyers to bleed them dry of their equity. My situation has been so horrible and ongoing since 2013 that I would never suggest to anyone to ever marry. Ever!
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Old 08-26-2019, 09:59 AM
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Janus Janus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bananie View Post
How do you propose divorce to a spouse that really does not want to.
You do not propose. You make it clear that the divorce is going to happen, and that you are hoping for the best possible result. If you propose a divorce you are setting yourself up for conflict.

Quote:
I want to do it in way that it doesn't lead to further conflict, as we have young children.
Make it a choice between options. Set up a bunch of time sharing parenting schedules and ask your ex which one is preferred. Let your ex make the choice, and then accept it.

Obviously, do not propose any schedules that do not make you comfortable.

You will need to talk to a lawyer, who might tell you that you can get more. That is always almost certainly true. What they do not tell you is that it can cost tens of thousands of dollars to get more, and the relationship destruction is even more damaging. Try to avoid asking for the most you can get, because if you try to get the most you can get, you'll probably get a lot less.

Most parents are comfortable with a 50% parenting schedule. They may not like it, but it "feels" fair, and people are much less inclined to go balistic and lose everything when things feel fair.
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