Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Parenting Issues

Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 06-14-2016, 09:59 AM
Beachnana Beachnana is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,358
Beachnana is on a distinguished road
Default Wording advice

How would you address this in an agreement.

Mom and Dad finally sat down,and talked. Went really well. I am so happy they have reached this point in their relationship.

They put down some tentative visitation dates, which progress over the next 5 years.

One question though after the discussion on progressing summer access 2-3-4 then 5 weeks in the conversation dad mentioned that he will only have 3 weeks leave in the summer and for the rest of the summer he will only be back at his home for weekends.

It does not make sense then for Dad to have 5 weeks in the summer if he will only be home for 3 and expects his spouse to take of son all week day and night and he come home for Sat and 1/2 of Sunday. So 1 night really

he was vague on his exact plans. So Mom,wants a clause in the agreement to the effect that if Dad is not in direct overnight care of the child then the access will be limited to the actual leave period.

Not sure if I am making myself clear. but I guess we are asking,why would you take,the child for 5 weeks when you will only be there for 3?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 06-14-2016, 10:15 AM
Tayken's Avatar
Tayken Tayken is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 7,003
Tayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant future
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beachnana View Post
So Mom,wants a clause in the agreement to the effect that if Dad is not in direct overnight care of the child then the access will be limited to the actual leave period.
This is known as a "right of refusal" and they are only a method of creating conflict. The other parent (your daughter) has no right to (a) ask where dad is and (b) who is caring for the child in his absence during HIS access time.

These are not enforceable clauses and only cause grief. Judges never enforce them. I would avoid them at all costs. Here is what a much smarter person and qualified expert has to say about this very bad bad idea:

Your Social Worker - Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beachnana View Post
But I guess we are asking,why would you take,the child for 5 weeks when you will only be there for 3?
Flipping the question why is it yours or the other parent's requirement to know (or feel you have the right) to know what is happening on the other parent's access time?

Good Luck!
Tayken
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 06-14-2016, 10:35 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 4,627
rockscan will become famous soon enough
Default

Add to this, by the time he has five weeks access you dont know what the situation will be. He may be remarried, he may have more flexibility, he may have different hours.

Thats assuming the graduated access is three to four years in the future. Any parent will need summer care during this time, kid could go to a day camp that week or possibly spend time with other family members.

Its more beneficial to graduate the access time then to put limits or conditions on what is going to happen three years from now.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 06-14-2016, 12:16 PM
blinkandimgone's Avatar
blinkandimgone blinkandimgone is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Lucknow
Posts: 5,406
blinkandimgone is a jewel in the roughblinkandimgone is a jewel in the roughblinkandimgone is a jewel in the rough
Default

Dad gets to handle it and make his arrangements how lever he feels is appropriate. It may be an opportunity for him to include extended family in the child's life, if he will be spending time with grandparents, step parenys or other family members which he is well within his rights to do on his time.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 06-14-2016, 01:08 PM
Janus's Avatar
Janus Janus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,149
Janus will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beachnana View Post
So Mom,wants a clause in the agreement to the effect that if Dad is not in direct overnight care of the child then the access will be limited to the actual leave period.
Make sure Mom includes a clause where the child cannot be around a new girlfriend of Dad's unless the new girlfriend has been approved by Mom. Mom should also have a clause where she gets to inspect the bedroom provided for the child, so that she can withhold access if it is not acceptable.

Finally, make sure that Mom gets to call from 9:30am-10:00am and 7:30pm-8:00pm every day during the summer break. It is important to ensure that Mom maintains a connection to the child during the long dark tea times of the soul.

...

As an alternative, Mom can parent during her parenting time, and Dad can parent during his parenting time. Crazy I know, because Dad is a terrible and incompetent person who is going to bathe the child only twice a week and feed him oreos, but sometimes you just have to hope for the best.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 06-14-2016, 01:52 PM
Tayken's Avatar
Tayken Tayken is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 7,003
Tayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant future
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Janus View Post
Make sure Mom includes a clause where the child cannot be around a new girlfriend of Dad's unless the new girlfriend has been approved by Mom. Mom should also have a clause where she gets to inspect the bedroom provided for the child, so that she can withhold access if it is not acceptable.

Finally, make sure that Mom gets to call from 9:30am-10:00am and 7:30pm-8:00pm every day during the summer break. It is important to ensure that Mom maintains a connection to the child during the long dark tea times of the soul.

...

As an alternative, Mom can parent during her parenting time, and Dad can parent during his parenting time. Crazy I know, because Dad is a terrible and incompetent person who is going to bathe the child only twice a week and feed him oreos, but sometimes you just have to hope for the best.
I have to admit. This got me laughing really hard. So hard my side hurts.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 06-14-2016, 03:28 PM
Beachnana Beachnana is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,358
Beachnana is on a distinguished road
Default

Me too,actually !!

Point taken. I was only asking what should be, if any, the wording to address this.

Good to know about the "right of refusal" clause because that is what Dad had suggested should be in there.

He is in the military and he also mentioned that if he is posted away he would have to change the arrangements. His wife ( newly married) had indicated she was good with 2-3 weeks in the summer. Dad has said he wants 5 weeks. So we did not want it written in stone that he has 5 weeks if Dad is not there and wife does not want 5 weeks.

My daughter had suggested we figure that out if and when it happens. He had said he wanted it in writing on the order?


But maybe I like Janus suggestion. Perhaps,they could actually just live together!
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 06-15-2016, 11:01 AM
hopefull hopefull is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 212
hopefull is on a distinguished road
Default

Like Tayken...I LOL and might have choked on my tea. I mean seriously though? I have read some of your posts, and it seems between you and your daughter, you will rather have dad have no contact with the child.

I mean, whatever happened to child's best interest? This is the angle this should be addressed from, with personal vendetta put aside in order to have a well rounded child, that grows up not having daddy issues.

A new bf/gf /husband/wife will never replace a bio parent no matter what some people like to think, and kids aren't stupid.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beachnana View Post
Me too,actually !!

Point taken. I was only asking what should be, if any, the wording to address this.

Good to know about the "right of refusal" clause because that is what Dad had suggested should be in there.

He is in the military and he also mentioned that if he is posted away he would have to change the arrangements. His wife ( newly married) had indicated she was good with 2-3 weeks in the summer. Dad has said he wants 5 weeks. So we did not want it written in stone that he has 5 weeks if Dad is not there and wife does not want 5 weeks.

My daughter had suggested we figure that out if and when it happens. He had said he wanted it in writing on the order?


But maybe I like Janus suggestion. Perhaps,they could actually just live together!
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 06-15-2016, 11:27 AM
Beachnana Beachnana is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,358
Beachnana is on a distinguished road
Default

Not true. Dad and child have a good relationship and that has been down to me and my daughter. It's been a rocky road, but it's working. I merely asked how we would word this situation.

If you have read my post here you will see that the question came up from Dad.m he wants it to be there but wants it to be a fluid relationship. If he has leave he wants the child with him but if he does not have enough leave availability or work prevents him from being there he wants to be able to opt out without it looking as though he is not taking his access.

Maybe it's a little to complicated to express and they need to just figure it out on a year by year basis.

Hirt and mistrust do not go away, ask LF32 and he will tell you that you might be getting along and moving forward but history will always be there and it takes a long time to heal.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 06-15-2016, 11:50 AM
Tayken's Avatar
Tayken Tayken is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 7,003
Tayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant future
Default

The challenge is that the other parent is in the military. Your daughter is simply going to have to respect the fact that the other parent is providing a service to the country and be flexible.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Advice Anyone?.... KTollef Divorce Support 13 10-02-2013 01:54 PM
Can we Start Fresh? Our Story ...Can you offer Advice? ConcernenedStepMom78 Divorce & Family Law 33 10-08-2010 10:38 AM
New to this Forum - lookig for advice on Separation (from husband) Margaret-Krupa Introductions 9 03-26-2010 06:03 PM
Need advice - long Anj76 Divorce & Family Law 1 06-25-2009 07:50 PM
need some advice on what to do sbjune84 Divorce & Family Law 3 06-11-2009 09:03 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:03 AM.