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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 09-06-2019, 12:07 PM
Selfrepmom Selfrepmom is offline
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Default Dealing With A Nutbar

Good ol’ back to school drama. This literally is going to sound too ridiculous to be true, but I promise you it is.

Ex bought a backpack for our child a few weeks ago. Ok, cool, thanks for the contribution. While doing some shopping with her, daughter sees a backpack with a character from a movie she is currently obsessed with and begs me to buy it. It came with a matching lunch pail and side pockets for her water bottle (neither of which came with the other backpack-note that I never brought any of this up with dad or “scolded” him for his choice in bags, or made any mention of the one I bought)

So I think to myself, ok, we use more practical bag for school and one dad bought for sleepovers at grandparents and his parenting time. Reasonable? I thought so.

First day of school, I take the typical first day picture, and automatically text it to her dad for him to see as well. I immediately get a message back berating me for not sending her to school with the one he and his gf “spent a lot of money on”. My response was “Calm down. She saw this one at the store and begged me to buy it for her, she still uses the other one”

He doesn’t respond to the text. He instead sends an email accusing me of “fucking him over” and that he will no longer be in contact with me. And that he will now only see our daughter on his scheduled times, nothing more, and that he is on the verge of “walking away” and once he does he will walk back into her life when she is 18 and tell her what a “massive c**t” I am. (All in email, perfect.)

But wtf?!? We’ve barely spoken over the past few months as it is. It’s not like I’m constantly harassing him on his parenting skills, or threatening him, or denying him time with our daughter. He literally needs next to no provocation to threaten to walk out on her (he has done it 4-5x this year, not to mention the time we tried talking to a mediator and he asked if he could just sign away his rights as a father to get out of paying CS) So I can just imagine what is going to happen once he gets notice of this motion for arrears and s7 expenses.

Sorry for the rant. It’s just rough, because she absolutely idolizes him and always talks about how much she misses him (he cancelled his access weekend last week once again). It’s going to break her heart if I ever have to tell her she won’t be able to see him anymore. Anybody have any age appropriate explanations they have used to tell a child that one parent has left the picture?(she is 5) Trying to prepare myself for the worst.
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Old 09-06-2019, 12:18 PM
Mom 2 Two Mom 2 Two is offline
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This is golden. Keep that email safe and tight... brutal. Sorry you had to endure that.

My ex bought the kids shoes that were too big after I had already bought them some no communication or anything asking what hey need or if I have bought stuff yet. First time ever. Great thanks. I bet it appears in our SC brief how he is so generous...


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Old 09-06-2019, 12:28 PM
Selfrepmom Selfrepmom is offline
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I think that’s the point he’s trying to make.

“Oh look at me buying my daughter things. This backpack makes up for the hundreds of dollars I am shorting her every month”

The other great one was when I went to go pick her up a few weeks ago and there was a brand new bicycle sitting in his driveway. He tries to tell me I need to take this bike back to my house. I say “thanks, but I already bought her a bike in the spring, and we have no space for another one” (We have a bike at our house for every family member- 5 in total- and only have use of half of the garage) Did I mention this bike was waaayyy too small- it was a starter bike for a 3 year old (she’s five and doesn’t even ride with training wheels anymore). His gf is standing in the background looking pissed and telling him to get it out of their garage (wtf?) so I just drove away without it. Last time he came to my house for exchange he brought it with him and dumped it on our front lawn. I didn’t make a scene about it, just donated it to a family with a little girl (and not a lot of money) that will need one soon
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Old 09-06-2019, 12:35 PM
Freeasabird Freeasabird is offline
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Seems like he's looking for an excuse to walk away....and twist and turn it around to make it look like your fault....how sad. I'm dealing with a similar nut bar, child in a man's body. The email is golden like other poster said. If he walks away, he walks away, you cannot force someone to be a parent. I'm not sure what you say to the child, maybe you could talk to a professional about that??
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Old 09-06-2019, 12:58 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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what a dick.

every time he behaves that way- just thank your lucky stars you're not married to him anymore. I thank my stars every day that my daughter is not growing up in a household where she thinks it's ever okay to call a woman a c*nt. That was my ex's preferred insult for me as well.

Do you think your ex ever behaves this way to his girlfriend when your daughter is around?

I wonder what happens if my ex re-partners and treats the new partner with the same amount of misogynistic garbage....does the child still internalize that?
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Old 09-06-2019, 01:11 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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I would tell him flat out that if thinks kid is going to believe anything he says 13 years after he abandons her then he has another think coming.

Ok don’t say that, that’s stooping to his level. As far as your daughter is concerned, you tell her dad is busy or whatever the case may be. There are always going to be assholes out there and for some of us they are our parents. My mom tried to protect us from our dad who did the same thing—dumped us and ran. We turned out relatively ok. The sad part is these dicks never change. It is extremely difficult to spend time with my father now as a result but I suck it up and do it. Raise your daughter with better morals and a sense of kindness.

As for him, ignore ignore ignore. It will be difficult but its possible.
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Old 09-06-2019, 01:27 PM
Selfrepmom Selfrepmom is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post

Do you think your ex ever behaves this way to his girlfriend when your daughter is around?

I wonder what happens if my ex re-partners and treats the new partner with the same amount of misogynistic garbage....does the child still internalize that?
No, I don’t think so. At least I hope not. He wasn’t like that to me when we were together, which is part of the reason I got with him. My relationship previous to him was very abusive-verbally, mentally, and physically. After I got out of that and met him, he was such a likable, nice guy- he seemed like a “safe” option. I should of stayed single and worked through it on my own, but I was still young.


What I am more worried about is his lack of honesty and manipulative ways having an effect on her. He doesn’t seem to have proper social skills or any idea on what is appropriate in social settings. When she was born I later found out that he told his employer (for reasons unknown to me) that I had given birth to twins. For months apparently he told his employer that the “one twin” (the child that didn’t exist) was extremely sick. He used this as an excuse to get out of work constantly. Looking back I now understand why he always discouraged me from coming to company functions with our daughter, or meeting his fellow employees. He finally came to me and told me this story because it was stressing him out at work because the lie had gone too far and he was in too deep. Instead of coming clean to his employer, he decided the only way to “end it” was for him to tell everyone at work that the “sick twin” had succumbed to her illness and passed away.

To say that this incident was a very strong factor in my decision to end our relationship is an understatement.
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Old 09-06-2019, 01:43 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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holy shit. that is insane....

I've actually talked with my therapist on ways to deal with my ex's manipulative/negative behaviour with our daughter. She says it's two fold.

1. If d3 comes to me and asks or tells me something about what is said to her- e.g. "Uncle K (ex BIL) says that mama doesn't let me see dada" or "Dada said mama is fat. Mama- are you fat?" [that one almost made me laugh] - I'm just supposed to ask how it makes her feel. And if she says anything but "sad/worried/scared" etc...just distract and focus on how much I love her.

2. If it starts to make her feed sad or upset - I'm supposed to model emotional responsibility for her- and teach her how to take responsibility for her feelings. This is as she gets older though. If they're young- it's distract with love mostly.
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Old 09-06-2019, 01:54 PM
Stillbreathing Stillbreathing is offline
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You don’t have to say much to your child other than the bare minimum truth. Kids are smart. They quickly figure things out for themselves.
Kid: Where’s dad?
Mom: I don’t know
Kid : when will I see him again?
Mom: I don’t know
Kid: can I call him?
Mom: sure. (Hands phone to kid and dials number)
Kid: there’s no answer
Mom: leave a message
Kid leaves message, dad never calls back.

13 years later dad messages kid over Facebook messenger asking to meet and reconnect and goes into long tirade about how mom stopped him
From seeing kid

Adult child messages back for dad not to berate mom who raised him and dad to take responsibility for his own actions otherwise he will be blocked

Dad replies with another tirade aimed at mom.
Kid blocks dad.

True story
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Old 09-06-2019, 02:01 PM
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Janus Janus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Selfrepmom View Post
Ex bought a backpack for our child a few weeks ago. Ok, cool, thanks for the contribution. While doing some shopping with her, daughter sees a backpack with a character from a movie she is currently obsessed with and begs me to buy it.

At which point you said


"You already have a backpack for this year, but why don't we get you a different item that you might like?"


Just kidding, you had a chance to stick it to dad and you took it. Not saying that the dad didn't deserve it, but don't pretend that you were completely virtuous here.
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