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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 03-19-2019, 02:51 PM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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I am hoping this will be therapeutic, as I just need to rant.....


My ex over the past few years has been pleasant, leaning towards actually fairly good to deal with. However, over the past 6 months, it feels like we've gone back to the "bad old days", as she is hostile and accusatory in most communications. She is pleasant as pie to your face, but then you get some passive aggressive email or text later.


I feel things all changed when she got a new job. She had to move to a new city about an hour from where she was, and about 45 minutes from me (she was previously about 35 minutes from me, but she moved the opposition direction from where she used to live and given the way the highways work, the math ends up this way). After she moved she lost her main support network, being her parents. They used to do everything for her. Drive our kid to her activities, pick her up from school, take her to certain doctors appointments. Now her parents are an hour away and can't help like they had. So now she actually do this on her own, and is complaining like crazy.


She is now constantly accuses me of not helping with school and our kids activities. I have taken days off to take our daughter to the specialists and stuff like that, and am taking days off to go to competitions. But her complaints are that I don't drop her off at school or her activities, that she has to do it all, like she is actually uggg, ...... a single parent...... (my observation). She was the one that fought me for sole custody and wanted to relegate me as an EOW parent. I wanted 50/50, to be there more, but she was having none of it. Eventually I fell on my sword, as I was done with the fighting and didn't have the funds for a prolonged custody battle, when she would just go her parents who have deep pockets.


I would love to do more, but even if I did quit my job and got one closer, I bet she would complain that c/s would be reduced. Jobs that way pay less than 1/2 what I make now. So that would impact a lot of her expenses, as my current income pays 65% of the s7 costs. But my income I feel is also a point of contention, as I've managed to increase it about 25% over the past 2 years and I've been hearing the "you've got more money than me" shots when complaining about costs of stuff. I've also heard similar comments from my kid, so I know the ex is talking about it with her.


Which leads me to my next point, the ex treats our child like her best friend. It is my understanding (possibly wrong, but I've been around long enough to make the call) that he social circle is small. She has had boyfriends over the years, she was engaged at least twice. But none of them stuck around as things always turned sour..... and then I became the focus on all that is bad in her life......


I know being a single parent is hard. I appreciate her efforts. I do try where I can. But I cannot be there daily due to the fact that she moved again (her 4th move in 6 years). Hell, if I had moved to be closer to her last time, I'd be even further away. I just feel like she is taking her issues out on me because I am the easy target.


I've moved on with my life. I got married, I bought an awesome house, I provide well for our child. I love my kid. I'd love to be there full time, and would make the necessary accommodations if that ever happened. Part of me wants to tell her that if the current custody arrangement is too burdensome for her, I'd gladly switch with her. But that would be starting WWXXVI, because god forbid someone criticize her. She would go off on me, and then drag our kid into like she has before.


It is tough right now because nothing is good enough for her, and she simply isn't a particularly nice person. She wasn't when we were together. She was better when she was in a relationship, because there was another target that was closer. But she ruined those relationships to (I spoke to one of her ex's, he left because she was unbearable and was negatively impacting his kids. Which is fact, as I could see the blatant favoritism).


Anyway, just needed to vent. I know she is acting out because her life isn't how she envisioned it. I know it isn't easy being a single parent. But instead of bringing everyone around her down, why doesn't she try to find solutions where others can help. (ie. the shuttling to activities can be done by Uber, our is a teenager).
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Old 03-19-2019, 03:03 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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It sounds like you speak with her a lot...is that the case?
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Old 03-19-2019, 03:18 PM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
It sounds like you speak with her a lot...is that the case?

Nope. I am pro "radio silence". I do receive texts/emails from her a few times a week. Some (glorious) weeks, we go without any communication. Right now there is more than normal, but nothing more than 5-6 texts emails a week due to competition season coming up and working out a schedule on that.


I got an email from her today complaining about my summer vacation schedule, which I am going to ignore as it was accusatory and just full of passive aggressive "woe is me".


She has always been passive aggressive. But it just seems like the past few months, the tone of her messages are always mean spirited. Yeah, messages are all generally read in the reader, but I am normally a positive guy. Maybe my I don't have rose coloured glasses when it comes to her, but if you read the messages you'd likely come away with the same view.


But yeah, I try to keep communication to a minimum. There are times when we are in the same area, mainly for the kids activities. But those times are generally packed into a few weekends a year.
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Old 03-19-2019, 03:20 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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hmmm, interesting- re the not speaking so much. I'm always interested in knowing what happens after the dust settles on the legal custody wars. how do you go on and try to co-parent with a high conflict ex....this board is somewhat depressing. There are just never good stories.


....are you just ranting, or you do you want member feedback here? as in suggestions?

Last edited by iona6656; 03-19-2019 at 03:23 PM.
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Old 03-19-2019, 03:42 PM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
hmmm, interesting- re the not speaking so much. I'm always interested in knowing what happens after the dust settles on the legal custody wars. how do you go on and try to co-parent with a high conflict ex....this board is somewhat depressing. There are just never good stories.


....are you just ranting, or you do you want member feedback here? as in suggestions?

It was kind of a rant. If members can/want to provide feedback, I am always ears.


In my situation, we actually had about 5 years when things were pleasant. Then all the sudden they went downhill, and the only reasons I can see for it are decisions she made. I've always been pretty much consistent. Not much changes with me.


Maybe the recent spat of venom has caused me to regress back to my feelings of the bad old days, and that is something I do not want to happen. The problem is that, what will make the ex happy, I cannot help with because of choices she has made.
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Old 03-19-2019, 03:55 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Rant away. Your ex made her bed. If you wanted to, you could simply respond with “its unfortunate things are difficult for you right now but I am sure you are doing a great job parenting our kid”.

Truly she sounds depressed and just uses you as a target. Don’t let it get to you. As you said, she made this mess but doesnt want to clean it up. I get frustrated with friends who act like this. Voluntarily had a child as a single parent and now complains about rough it is. Pushed everyone away from you and then complain about having no one. Refuse to encourage kids and husband to help out more, complain about how overworked you are. People need to take responsibility and accept the consequences of their decision.

I can only imagine what shes saying to her family!!

I would be more worried about the kid. Look at ways to encourage kid to not listen to moms woes and see that life is what you make it.

(i should also note that my partner’s ex played this “single parenting is so hard” card and I encouraged him to respond with “you wanted full custody and told me I would never get the kids, this is the consequence, I could have helped more if you hadn’t driven me away to punish me”. She stopped that single parent bitching after that.)
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Old 03-19-2019, 09:13 PM
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Sounds like the other parent is living in the land of confusion.
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Old 03-20-2019, 08:49 AM
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Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
this board is somewhat depressing. There are just never good stories.
Hammerdad ranting is even more depressing than you think. If I was going to nominate somebody for the "unflappable award", he would be on the top of the list.
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Old 03-20-2019, 09:42 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
this board is somewhat depressing. There are just never good stories.

That’s because people are coming here for help and support. Those who can actually get along and work together don’t need that help and support.

I will say though that outside of dealing with your ex, there are happy stories. Take my fiancé. He spent 20 years with a woman who treated him like a slave. He was destroyed emotionally. When the papers were signed he had lost almost everything, had lived in his car and actually drove to the place he wanted to kill himself at. Fast forward six months and he had a great job, a new circle of friends, activities he enjoyed and helped his health. Six months after that he met me and we began to build a good life together. Aside from dealing with his difficult ex, he is in a much better place physically, financially and emotionally. Yes he is going through a legal battle. Yes his kids won’t speak to him. Yes he worries about both those things. Truly though, he feels better about his life now than he did 10 years ago.

There is hope outside the dealing with a difficult ex but it could be anything—difficult boss, coworker, parent, family member etc. Unfortunately in this situation the difficult person is the parent to your child(ren). Just remember to take a deep breath and it won’t last forever.
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Old 03-20-2019, 09:59 AM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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Hammerdad ranting is even more depressing than you think. If I was going to nominate somebody for the "unflappable award", he would be on the top of the list.

lol, thanks. For years I would say that would be the case. My initial years were tough, but there was a good portion of time where things were pleasant to "whatever, not worth it". This new bout of passive aggressive accusations is just frustrating as:


a) I feel helpless to defend against it - nothing I say or do will help the situation. Her situation is due to her own actions/decisions. Me pointing that out will just piss her off more; and



b) anything I do say will likely be told to our kid.


For now, I just try to be a shelter to my current wife and my kid (I only have 1, with the ex). My wife has been a great sounding board, allowing me to vent. She also sees the difference in attitude the past 1/2 year. When my kid comes over, talk of her mom stops. It is just a relaxing time where she gets to be a kid, go up to her rooms and chill. We do homework when she has it, we actually just transitioned her playroom to more an teen space with a new couch, desk and art. She really likes it, it is her little corner of the house.


But yeah, we all have days. Most days the little comments get put in the "stupid box" and I just move along. It is just the "stupid box" has gotten a little full lately....


Cheers
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