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  • Dealing with difficult circumstances

    We have been seperated for about 18 months now. What started out as an amicable separation where we used to work together for the best interest of the children has turned into some sort of war around the children.

    As the father of 3 ages 15, 9 and 7, not only have I been through some hurtful times which required support from sites but have had to adjust to a new reality where my children live 2 hours away within an environment not very conducive, as well as dealing with an ex and a boyfriend who seem to have lost all touch on respect and consideration.

    I can no longer make any comments about the children without insults. I am supposed to tolerate verbal abuse from her boyfriend without saying anything back as if I do, it comes with insults. Even though we have no written agreement in place, I have always paid child support since Feb of last year when she came up with the brilliant move to Pembroke. Apparently, I am a no good father who had destroyed the family by not stopping infidelity in its tracks nor stopping her current boyfriend from meddling into an affair, which he clearly has no business.

    I am holding firm but would be honest to have rather had an amicable separation. Dealing with these 2 now consume a good part of my mental strength, testing my ideals and virtues. My question to others is how I navigate these difficult times? My lawyer is aware of the current circumstances even though I do not send her every email or textual poison I get from this woman. If I did, I would go bankrupt. My lawyer, however, has requested her boyfriend stay in the car during kids drop off but I do not know if they will oblige.

    Now, I have received reports that my son is starting to act up in school. This, I am attributing to a current environment which includes playing violent video games, a level of disrespect and loss of integrity and an encouragement of aggressive behavior towards others. I would state that this guy verbally assaulted me infront of the children during my last drop off session. What ever request I make to adjust the children pickup schedule is met with violent opposition and since I am not allowed to pick up the children from the school without parental consent, I am left at her whims.

    My questions:

    1. What mechanism are there in place to foster a neutral child drop/off and pickup location outside of the lawyer's office?
    2. What mechanism are there in place to ensure her boyfriend stays out of my business especially when I have to drop off or pick up the kids?
    3. What mechanism are there in place to foster amicability and how do I get the boyfriend out of my business?

    Thanks in advance.
    Last edited by blinkandimgone; 01-26-2017, 06:10 PM. Reason: Removed advertising

  • #2
    Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
    ... but have had to adjust to a new reality where my children live 2 hours away ...
    I just pulled the handbrake here on you. You are lamenting about a situation you allowed to happen. You were under NO obligation to let her move the children from their habitual residental location and could have EASILY blocked that had you consulted a lawyer. You don't get bonus points for being "sad" and "downtrodden" for failing to seek legal counsel on the move of your children. Honestly, you have served yourself a hot shit sandwich and I for one have no sympathy for you. You now have to eat the sandwich.

    Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
    ... I am supposed to tolerate verbal abuse from her boyfriend without saying anything back ...
    As the boyfriend is not a parent why are you even having contact with him? You should only be communicating with the other parent through email. Clearly you used the internet to post this message and you need an email account to get an account on this site... What is wrong with email? STOP TALKING TO HER IN PERSON!

    Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
    ... Even though we have no written agreement in place...
    Again, why WOULD YOU LET A PARENT MOVE WITH CHILDREN AND THEN HAVE NO WRITTEN AGREEMENT?! This is mind boggling to say the least!

    Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
    ... I have always paid child support since Feb of last year...
    You don't get credit for things you are supposed to do! (To quote Chris Rock!)

    Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
    ... when she came up with the brilliant move to Pembroke...
    Are you trying in insinuate this was a "bad" thing? You let her move in contravention of the Children's Law Reform Act and acquiesced to her request. You don't get to "blame" the other parent for moving with your consent. Again, you don't get sympathy credits for this. Not only have you given up the argument for habitual residential location you have also given up any custody claim you could make on the kids and given the other parent defacto SOLE CUSTODY in accordance with the Rules in the Children's Law Reform Act. Ugh.

    Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
    Apparently, I am a no good father who had destroyed the family by not stopping infidelity in its tracks nor stopping her current boyfriend from meddling into an affair, which he clearly has no business.
    Actually you are a bad father because you consented to the move of the children out of their habitual residential location, did not get an agreement or order for custody and access put in place and are now trying to blame the other parent for YOUR mistakes.

    NO ONE CARES ABOUT INFIDELITY. Adults are allowed to have consensual sex with whoever they want to. EVEN IF THEY ARE <GASP> MARRIED. You sir live in a NO FAULT divorce country. For a good reason. Because the government doesn't POLICE CONSULTING ADULTS BEDROOMS!

    Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
    I am holding firm but would be honest to have rather had an amicable separation. Dealing with these 2 now consume a good part of my mental strength, testing my ideals and virtues.
    No one, especially a Judge, gives a flying rats ass about your "ideals and virtues". It doesn't say The Court of "Ideals and Virtues" on the door when you walk in. It says The Court of Law. Throw your "ideals and virtues" out the window and learn about the LAW. Because that is what actually matters in FAMILY LAW.


    Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
    My question to others is how I navigate these difficult times?
    You don't focus on "ideals and virtues" and educate yourself on the law.

    Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
    My lawyer is aware of the current circumstances even though I do not send her every email or textual poison I get from this woman. If I did, I would go bankrupt.
    The bankruptcy will be a result of your allowing the other parent to move and assume sole custody which is on you sir. Not the other parent.

    [QUOTE=e28makaveli;216959]My lawyer, however, has requested her boyfriend stay in the car during kids drop off but I do not know if they will oblige.[/quotes]

    Lawyers letters are like farts. They smell but, really, they don't stick around.

    They won't nor are they obliged to do so.

    Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
    Now, I have received reports that my son is starting to act up in school. This, I am attributing to a current environment which includes playing violent video games, a level of disrespect and loss of integrity and an encouragement of aggressive behavior towards others.
    Really? You are going to take NO responsibility for this and going to blame "violent video games"? You do know that bullshit has been tried before in court and failed horribly. You need to focus on actually RELEVANT things.

    Maybe, just maybe, if you actually had EQUAL TIME with your children things would be better. But, alas, you let them move away and now have little material involvement in their lives. You reap what you sow.

    Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
    I would state that this guy verbally assaulted me infront of the children during my last drop off session.
    Call CAS. See what they say. But, I can save you the stress. They are going to ignore you and do nothing. Verbal "assault" is a way more complex matter than you think. The only rule in the CLRA that matters with regards to this is Rule 24.(4). I doubt the other parent did anything that would constitute "violence and abuse". I am sorry that this person hurt your feelings.

    Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
    What ever request I make to adjust the children pickup schedule is met with violent opposition and since I am not allowed to pick up the children from the school without parental consent, I am left at her whims.
    Why are you not able to pickup the children from school? The presumption of custody in Ontario is JOINT CUSTODY until an agreement or court order otherwise states something else. The school has no authority to bar you form picking up the kids from school nor does the other parent.

    You are well within your rights to pickup the children from school. If the school opposes your lawyer can quickly intervene and remind them of the basic rules of law regarding a matter for which NO AGREEMENT OR COURT ORDER EXISTS.

    Unless you did something stupid at the school and they have banned you from the property.

    Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
    1. What mechanism are there in place to foster a neutral child drop/off and pickup location outside of the lawyer's office?
    A court order would be best. It should outline a neutral location. The school is the best. If that doesn't work McDonalds is always a good option. But, inside the store as the store has cameras and lots of witnesses. Drop off parent and children should be in the restaurant prior to the arrival of the other parent. The drop off parent should then leave the restaurant and the children and pickup parent should wait until the other parent leaves. This should all be done in under 5 minutes. That way NO ONE comes in contact and no one fights.

    Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
    2. What mechanism are there in place to ensure her boyfriend stays out of my business especially when I have to drop off or pick up the kids?
    See my above recommendation. In addition the court order should specifically identify the SPECIFIC parties that are allowed to drop off and pickup the kids. The other parent's partner should NOT be on the list.

    Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
    3. What mechanism are there in place to foster amicability and how do I get the boyfriend out of my business?
    Ignore the other parent's partner. He is not a parent and you don't even have to talk to him or acknowledge his presence.

    Good Luck!
    Tayken

    Comment


    • #3
      Some hard knocks and solid advice, thank you.

      Guess ignorance is not bliss under such circumstances.

      I'll follow the advise you've provided but is there any way for me to turn this around?

      I find it a hard pill to swallow that I am a bad father given the circumstances. Not every one is versed with the laws surrounding divorce especially when this is the first of such I am experiencing within my family.

      I never expected things to turn out this bad.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
        Guess ignorance is not bliss under such circumstances.
        Living Color says this:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orRjBgf6lrI

        Ignorance is no excuse
        Your problem's solved but what's the use
        Ignorance is no excuse
        The problem's solved then what's the use
        I try to tell them everyday
        But nobody listens to a word I say
        Look out my window, what do you see?
        Sometimes it's worse than that stupid TV

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
          I'll follow the advise you've provided but is there any way for me to turn this around?
          Move to the children's habitual residential location and start being a parent. Seek 50-50 residency and joint custody. Step up and be an equal parent and not a victim.

          Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
          I find it a hard pill to swallow that I am a bad father given the circumstances. Not every one is versed with the laws surrounding divorce especially when this is the first of such I am experiencing within my family.
          Ignorantia juris non excusat!

          https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ignora...is_non_excusat

          1. Stop playing "victim" in all this.
          2. Stop playing "victim" in all this.
          3. You are not a "victim".
          4. You are not a "victim".
          5. Change your situation and move to where your children now reside.
          6. Be an equal parent and stop with the excuses.
          7. Skip the pity party. No one is going to come to your party.
          8. Bring an application for joint custody and equal residency (50-50) of the children. (After you have moved to their residential location!)
          9. Put on your big person pants.
          10. Ignorantia iuris nocet!

          Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
          I never expected things to turn out this bad.
          Did you think there would be pie and punch? Simple answer: THERE ISN'T ANY!

          Because this is what they are doing to you...

          Good Luck!
          Tayken

          Comment


          • #6
            Move to the children's habitual residential location and start being a parent. Seek 50-50 residency and joint custody. Step up and be an equal parent and not a victim.
            My new partner and I both work in Ottawa. I am in high tech and she is a nurse. Moving to Petawawa is out of the question here.

            Yes, you may think I am a bad father for being ignorant and trusting a woman who i lived with for 16 years. Guess I did not know what she is made of Also, this woman moved on the pretext of going to school and yes I should have stopped it. But mistakes like these does not qualify one a bad father.

            As it stands, she does not have sole custody. I get the children every second week.

            Today I will go pick them up from school even though she is vehemently disagreeing. If the children are not in school, that would be another matter.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
              My new partner and I both work in Ottawa. I am in high tech and she is a nurse. Moving to Petawawa is out of the question here.

              Yes, you may think I am a bad father for being ignorant and trusting a woman who i lived with for 16 years. Guess I did not know what she is made of Also, this woman moved on the pretext of going to school and yes I should have stopped it. But mistakes like these does not qualify one a bad father.

              As it stands, she does not have sole custody. I get the children every second week.

              Today I will go pick them up from school even though she is vehemently disagreeing. If the children are not in school, that would be another matter.


              How do you have them every second week if you're 2 hours apart? Or do you mean every other weekend?

              Sole custody is regarding decision making, as it stands now you could probably get joint custody with primary residency with the mom.

              That being said your oldest child could very well choose to come live with you being that they are 15, but I suppose that would depend on the relationship you have with that child.

              You made a big mistake allowing her to move and using the excuse you didn't know the law won't fly. Even without knowing the law why were you okay with only seeing your children every other weekend?


              Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

              Comment


              • #8
                How do you have them every second week if you're 2 hours apart? Or do you mean every other weekend?
                I meant every other weekend.

                Sole custody is regarding decision making, as it stands now you could probably get joint custody with primary residency with the mom.
                Yes, this is the current arrangement we have.

                That being said your oldest child could very well choose to come live with you being that they are 15, but I suppose that would depend on the relationship you have with that child.
                My oldest daughter decided to stop talking to me 8 months ago, so this is also out of the question.

                You made a big mistake allowing her to move and using the excuse you didn't know the law won't fly.
                Mistakes are made in life but does this qualify one as incapable? We all make them and learn from them. Yes, I was not informed with the law when this all happened but she was since her family has gone through similar ordeal.

                Even without knowing the law why were you okay with only seeing your children every other weekend?
                I was ok with it temporarily. She registered for school in Pembroke which I payed for so that was additional motivation and since the job I had required I go to the office every day and she used to run a daycare at home, it made sense to have the kids move with her temporarily. Families do this all the time. My reasoning was that if I helped her pursue her career, she would reconsider the decision to move back when done. I did not realize is was a pre-meditated move to eventually again to Petawawa with some dude. Yes, naive but hey, that was my thought process at the time as I was emotionally compromised. It does happen!

                I can live with seeing the children every 2 weeks, talking to them on the phone every second day and spending 60% of the summer holidays with them. They also appear to be happy out there. I emphasize more on quality than quantity. But folk, this is not the problem I am trying to solve.

                Tayken has provided some solid answers to some of my questions and concerns. At this time, all I am looking for is some advise on how I can get a working and respectful relationship out of this woman.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
                  At this time, all I am looking for is some advise on how I can get a working and respectful relationship out of this woman.
                  You can't. She's shown you that she's not interested in that. What she wants to do, and is succeeding at, is getting you slowly out of the children's lives.

                  You fight that by getting a solid separation agreement that sets in stone the arrangements you want, so she can't wriggle out of them any further.

                  You'll probably have to go with the current arrangements, as there is a status quo there that you let develop, but at least she won't be able to easily distance you further than that.

                  Make the MOST of your limited time with your children. Make their weekends with you focused on THEM. Take an interest in their lives, do things they find fun, etc. Anything else you have to do (your own hobbies, socializing, home maintenance and chores) can wait for the rest of your time. Call them during their time with mom and ask them how their day is going. Mail them things, let them be surprised by cards, etc. Move as close as you can to Pembroke and still commute to Ottawa.

                  And if she EVER tries to move further away (boyfriend gets posted?), put a stop to it!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    You fight that by getting a solid separation agreement that sets in stone the arrangements you want, so she can't wriggle out of them any further.
                    Right. Working on this to ensure every detail is covered.

                    You'll probably have to go with the current arrangements, as there is a status quo there that you let develop, but at least she won't be able to easily distance you further than that.
                    I have learned a hard lesson here and definitely will not let her move any further. Also lessons I can pass on to my children I guess.

                    Make the MOST of your limited time with your children. Make their weekends with you focused on THEM. Take an interest in their lives, do things they find fun, etc. Anything else you have to do (your own hobbies, socializing, home maintenance and chores) can wait for the rest of your time. Call them during their time with mom and ask them how their day is going. Mail them things, let them be surprised by cards, etc. Move as close as you can to Pembroke and still commute to Ottawa.
                    Indeed. I'll have to make the best of this time with them as moving to Pembroke or even Arnprior may be a stretch but you never know. Unless I move to Petawawa, it will not solve the 50/50 problem so I can live with the current status quo.

                    Interesting you mention about sending the cards but she has refused to give me her home address. She has also refused to give me the phone number of my daughter. It's been a nightmare. She wants all communication to be funneled through her, which I find amusing. This means when she is not available, sick or otherwise, I cannot contact the children.

                    As it stands, I can only give my kids stuff when the come over and they are not allowed to take it to her house. Things such as hockey skates which she would purchase with the child support funds I provide to her (she does not work mind you), she will not send this to me when I have the children. I simply cannot rationalize but trying to work out all of these kinks in an agreement.

                    And if she EVER tries to move further away (boyfriend gets posted?), put a stop to it!
                    Absolutely. Probably trying to remove me from the children's lives so that she is free to take them anywhere if her boyfriend gets posted.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I went to the school in Petawaw to pick up my children and this woman comes to the school during lunch and takes them away. Then drives them to Ottawa and brings boyfriend again insisting I come into the building even though I asked her to send the kids outside.

                      What are my options here? Looks like court is my last and only resort?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        If you feel that the boyfriend is verbally abusive and that there is a potential for the boyfriend to injure you, (this doesn't mean just physically) or your children, you can apply for a Peace Bond. Do this ONLY if you are truly fearful, because any hope of amicability in the future will be tossed out the window after this.

                        Talk to your lawyer about this FIRST because it is a whole other crap show.

                        Some more, unsolicited, advice is to keep a journal of all your interactions with your ex, your ex's boyfriend and your children. Then communicate via email.

                        ex: Document items like the story you mentioned where you went to pick up the children and they were gone and then driven to Ottawa.
                        Document anything the boyfriend does or says.
                        Document when you call the children; when they visit.
                        Document all this with dates and times.
                        Be consistent, be truthful and be on your best behaviour.

                        Disclaimer: I am not well versed in Family Law. I have only my own experiences. My journal hasn't been used in court yet but I haven't had to go to trial yet either. My journal has, however, helped me recall dates and events which have kept all of my accounts of incidents in order and lends me more credibility (I hope).

                        Comment

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