Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Parenting Issues

Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #11  
Old 07-26-2016, 03:11 AM
4mylove 4mylove is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: victoria
Posts: 14
4mylove is on a distinguished road
Default

In regards to leaving the habitual home, he was the one who told me if I didn't like it there with the cheating etc, that I should take the girls and leave so that's what i did after a few times of him telling me that. his 2 friends and himself even helped me move with the babies.
He has really stepped up now that he has the girls alone on his time but he wouldn't have any proof like you said that he made any decisions for them prior to that as he didn't
Well the reason why I say more hours less days i would not be in agreement if he had them for 5 days all day out of 7.And I agree with graduated time as they get older and also have finished breastfeeding.
Mental health concerns being that there are anger issues which cause him to threatened to harm one or both of the twins which he never acted on and appears to say things to get me to comply and has threatened to harm himself. And no I have been the stupid one trying to keep the police out of things and have never called them during our relationship and since the girls were born. I was going to call the police once before and he told me the moment I call cas will be contacted; looking back it would have been better to do but it's difficult when in an abusive relationship.
So no he hasn't harmed the girls but in fits of anger he does threatened to harm them, me or himself.
I am pretty much at the point where I will just have to trust that everything will work out and the girls will have a loving father that will never do anything to hurt them and that my fears are just that. Maybe it's just me that brings those behaviors out but if just with them and happy that nothing will happen. He does love them I wouldn't take that away from him. Just some things have be deeply concerned. Do I agree with 50 50 at 14.5months of twins that are breastfeeding with him, no, so if he offered that In mediation I would say no
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 07-26-2016, 07:41 AM
standing on the sidelines standing on the sidelines is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Kitchener Ontario
Posts: 5,529
standing on the sidelines is on a distinguished road
Default

you do realize that breastfeeding isn't a valid reason for him not to have the kids more? They can be fed formula when they are with him or you can pump and send a supply with the kids.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 07-26-2016, 08:47 AM
4mylove 4mylove is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: victoria
Posts: 14
4mylove is on a distinguished road
Default

Yes I'm aware of that also and I've sent pumped milk with them to him
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 07-26-2016, 09:24 AM
4mylove 4mylove is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: victoria
Posts: 14
4mylove is on a distinguished road
Default

I'm glad I asked questions here as I have learned a lot from each person. It's good to ask people that have been through it especially since most are father's it seems
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 07-26-2016, 09:33 AM
LovingFather32's Avatar
LovingFather32 LovingFather32 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 4,520
LovingFather32 is an unknown quantity at this point
Default

SOTS is right. Breastfeeding is no reason to avoid a 50/50 regime, which I see you've backpedaled on now admitting you pump and he feeds them fine. If we were judges you would have just messed up your case a bit .. careful.

Quote:
He has really stepped up now that he has the girls alone on his time
Fantastic! Glad to hear he's stepped up, wants to live in closer proximity and have a 50/50 relationship with his children. He could be a douchy boyfriend .. but sounds like he wants to be a good dad and have a relationship with his children. Many dad's don't.

Quote:
Well the reason why I say more hours less days i would not be in agreement if he had them for 5 days all day out of 7.
There's no reason he would have to have them 5 days out of 7. There are all sorts of schedules that would accommodate the twin's ages. A 2-2-3 schedule would probably work nicely.

Quote:
And I agree with graduated time as they get older and also have finished breastfeeding.
I wasn't talking years. I was talking months. A few months start overnight's .. few months later add time .. soon 50/50.

Quote:
Mental health concerns being that there are anger issues which cause him to threatened to harm one or both of the twins which he never acted on and appears to say things to get me to comply and has threatened to harm himself.
It's always tough during a high conflict separation. Obviously there was arguing, etc. You mentioned he was cheating and that you didn't like that. I'm assuming you weren't a quiet little mouse who sat and listened the entire time? Just a hunch.
Does he have a history of mental illness? My ex does, but I was schooled heavily NOT to go the "mental health" route in court, so I didn't. I would strongly caution using that term loosely.

Also, be careful how you present your case .. because you're get ripped apart on a few issues here.

You say he threatens to harm everybody: Yet you "allow" (hate that term) generous access, he helped you move, etc. Why would you allow him to see his children so much if he has poor mental health and threatens all the time? Are you not afraid for your children's safety?

Quote:
I was going to call the police once before and he told me the moment I call cas will be contacted; looking back it would have been better to do but it's difficult when in an abusive relationship.
Why are you afraid of CAS being contacted? If you're calling the police, they probably would be involved anyways.

Quote:
I am pretty much at the point where I will just have to trust that everything will work out and the girls will have a loving father that will never do anything to hurt them and that my fears are just that.
Yes, you do. Best thing I've read today!!

Quote:
Maybe it's just me that brings those behaviors out but if just with them and happy that nothing will happen
Firstly, never blame yourself for other's aggression or other maladaptive behaviors. BUT, nasty relationships are one thing..and being a good parent is separate.

Often times negative attributes are amplified and good qualities minimized or forgotten.

Read this thread: http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...ase-law-16809/
Quote:
[13] Allegations of abuse may be a symptom of the failure of a relationship. Blame is an inherent part of the allegation. Sometimes it is wholly warranted; other times it is not. When parties are not communicating, any slight or criticism is magnified. There is a tendency to minimize the other spouse’s good qualities and maximize the bad. Warring spouses are rarely in a position to step back and evaluate the other’s behaviour with objective eyes. Nor are they able to critically assess their own behaviour...
Digest this carefully.

Quote:
Do I agree with 50 50 at 14.5months of twins that are breastfeeding with him, no, so if he offered that In mediation I would say no
The breastfeeding thing again .. ugh. Then you should now know why he doesn't want to spend money or time in mediation. You will say no to him having an equal relationship with his children and probably many other things.

Hope things work out.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 07-26-2016, 10:33 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 4,600
rockscan will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by 4mylove View Post
Mental health concerns being that there are anger issues which cause him to threatened to harm one or both of the twins which he never acted on and appears to say things to get me to comply and has threatened to harm himself. And no I have been the stupid one trying to keep the police out of things and have never called them during our relationship and since the girls were born. I was going to call the police once before and he told me the moment I call cas will be contacted; looking back it would have been better to do but it's difficult when in an abusive relationship.

Be careful with this one. Everyone deals with stress in their own way and some people get angry because they arent able to reason through something and articulate. Im not saying your ex wasnt abusive, Im saying it might have been his response to the situation. Knowing this, you could approach things differently with respect to discussions or issues that require you both to speak to each other. You sound very reasonable and want whats best for your kids so perhaps you could look at how matters are discussed and what support you have. Is there someone he trusts/depends on? Maybe involve them in discussions as a neutral third party who he can speak with.

I say this because my partners ex claimed he was abusive. He isnt. He gets frustrated easily and then gets upset. She also has a way of saying things that is argumentative and confrontational. They do all communication in writing now. This provides him the opportunity to think it over, talk it out with me or someone else, decide on a response and then send it. Early on she would call him, make accusations, antagonize him and then when he was angry would accuse him of being rude and abusive and then hang up. His greatest frustration was that she wasnt listening and didnt provide an opportunity for the discussion.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 07-26-2016, 12:49 PM
4mylove 4mylove is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: victoria
Posts: 14
4mylove is on a distinguished road
Default

Thank you again. All listened to very very carefully and why I've asked questions from everyone.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 07-26-2016, 01:06 PM
LovingFather32's Avatar
LovingFather32 LovingFather32 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 4,520
LovingFather32 is an unknown quantity at this point
Default

Kudos to you for taking the advice in a mature manner. Impressive.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
The Best Interests of Children: An Evidence- Based Approach WorkingDAD Divorce & Family Law 13 01-12-2013 08:15 PM
Joint Physical Custody: Smart Solution or Problematic Plan? WorkingDAD Parenting Issues 19 09-17-2012 06:38 AM
Legal Sole Custody and Physical Sole Custody E-Gal Divorce & Family Law 4 07-28-2011 09:32 AM
Joint custody - questions & answers (US) first timer Parenting Issues 0 03-20-2011 12:07 AM
Custody Disputed Decent Dad Political Issues 2 06-26-2006 09:05 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:30 AM.