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  • #16
    The consensus seems to be that I need to prepare...

    1) strongly encourage her to have an actual income / job
    2) offer some more support to my wife so that she may explore how to get that income - child care, nanny etc. This also seems to be the most likely avenue to open up intimacy.
    3) increase my time with my kids... activities, daily responsibilities, making myself know to significant figures in their life
    4) document everything as much as possible...

    I can do all that.
    What am I missing?

    Comment


    • #17
      You also need to remember that the grass isnt always greener on the other side. If all you are missing in your relationship is sex then remember that that fades with couples as they age. If you are truly missing the companionship of the relationship remember that that too ebbs and flows with kids.

      Have you ever thought maybe she is struggling with depression, self worth, self esteem etc? She could be exhausted from the kids and life. Or perhaps shes disappointed in you and the life you have built?

      Marriage is never easy and there are plenty of people who will admit that some days it takes work. If there is something fundamentally broken then yes you need to end it but prepare for what you will be going into. Life on the other side is lonely, depressing and difficult sometimes.

      Comment


      • #18
        Originally posted by UncertainT View Post
        Are you telling me the precedent is that for every year of marriage, the higher earner is expected to pay spousal support for 6 months?
        It depends on your ages and the length of your marriage. Anywhere from 6 months to a year per year of marriage. Sometimes more if the non-earner has pretty much no chance to ever become productively employed.

        will a diary suffice? Will some court officer actually tally up hours in a diary in the future to determine if I get 50/50?
        Not a court officer, you . You will say to the judge "I kept track of all the time I was with the kids over the last year, and you can see that I was with them about 55% of the time. Here is my contemporaneous diary that backs up my statements, along with photos.

        Do I just start taking photos of absolutely everything I do with my kids?
        Yes. Expect her to lie and say that you were uninvolved. Perhaps she will not do that but the stakes are too high to take that risk. It will be hard for her to say "father was uninvolved" when you have 200 photos of the dinners you have made, the activities you have done, parties you have arranged, etc.

        Don't forget to do some of the crappy stuff too. Dentist appointments, flu shots, etc, calling in sick when your kid is sick to provide care.

        Bonus: You will probably develop a better relationship with the kids through this process. Less time worrying about crappy marriage, more time having fun being a father.

        Do I go out of my way to ensure that any teacher / coach knows who I am?
        Absolutely. Be super duper friendly to all third party adults. Judges really believe those people.

        The idea here is the cliche of hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

        Comment


        • #19
          Good to know "the basics" before you do talk to a lawyer. Lawyer's tend to tell high-income earners what they want to hear (blow smoke up your arse so-to-speak).

          Start with this:

          http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/s...ag-ldfpae.html

          After you read that inside out you can go on to CanLii and search out similar situations as your own to get a good understanding of how you might fare in court.
          https://www.canlii.org/en/on/onsc/

          Presumably you are in Ontario then you would go to Ontario then Ontario Superior Court and so on. Put in key words in search engine... you're educated, you'll figure it out.

          You can also get lots of good information by searching this forum.

          Comment


          • #20
            “You also need to remember that the grass isnt always greener on the other side. If all you are missing in your relationship is sex then remember that that fades with couples as they age. If you are truly missing the companionship of the relationship remember that that too ebbs and flows with kids.”

            Yeah, it’s not just about the sex. There is a much longer list... She makes unilateral decisions regarding our kids and finances without talking to me, super controlling. She undermines me and my authority in front of our kids. Frankly, she has a tendency to be just plain mean and nasty.

            “Do I just start taking photos of absolutely everything I do with my kids?
            Yes. Expect her to lie and say that you were uninvolved. Perhaps she will not do that but the stakes are too high to take that risk. It will be hard for her to say "father was uninvolved" when you have 200 photos of the dinners you have made, the activities you have done, parties you have arranged, etc”
            “The idea here is the cliche of hope for the best, prepare for the worst”

            This is probably the most prudent course... my wife has a tendency to not be completely honest and spin things to suit her narrative. The idea of hoping for the best and preparing for the worst sounds smart.

            Really... thanks everyone for your input. You have all already given me incredibly relevant information for where I’m at. Frankly, I’m not sure if this will end in divorce, but I will be much better prepared now if it does go that way.

            Comment


            • #21
              Originally posted by UncertainT View Post
              Yeah, it’s not just about the sex. There is a much longer list... She makes unilateral decisions regarding our kids and finances without talking to me, super controlling. She undermines me and my authority in front of our kids. Frankly, she has a tendency to be just plain mean and nasty.

              Prepare for it to get really nasty then. Partners who treat their spouse like this behind closed doors arent afraid to let it out in the open. They will tell anyone who will listen what a heartless bastard you are. Besides doing what Janus said, prepare for a battle. Keep 50/50 from the start. Do not allow her to do anything that will remove the kids from your life. Get ready for really horrible things to be said about you and any nasty trick possible to be done. Think changing the locks, running with the kids, packing up your stuff and getting rid of it. All of those things are possible.

              Comment


              • #22
                Just to add a bit to Janus's advice:

                Make sure you are on any and all email list for the schools.
                Attend all parent teacher meetings and school events.
                Use your now free Friday's to volunteer at the school.
                Depending on the activities your children do, sign up to be coach, assistant or get involved in any fundraising or volunteer efforts.

                Start building a support network of helpers. i.e. grandparents, aunts & uncles, even a Nanny that can pinch hit for you on the days your working and a sick child needs to come home from school. Or there are any issues with your Autistic child making it through the school day.

                And whatever you decide to do, keep any future relationships quiet and very discrete and only when your off parenting duty on her time. Keep them outta your children's lives until this is completely over and done with, which could take a few years.

                Comment


                • #23
                  Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                  Prepare for it to get really nasty then. Partners who treat their spouse like this behind closed doors arent afraid to let it out in the open. They will tell anyone who will listen what a heartless bastard you are. Besides doing what Janus said, prepare for a battle. Keep 50/50 from the start. Do not allow her to do anything that will remove the kids from your life. Get ready for really horrible things to be said about you and any nasty trick possible to be done. Think changing the locks, running with the kids, packing up your stuff and getting rid of it. All of those things are possible.
                  Research would suggest that the way women engage in aggressive behavior is not violence, but rather reputation destruction and false innuendo. Your advice is heard loud and clear.

                  But I would ask of anyone reading... how does one prepare for a battle of this nature? I'm beginning to understand the practical aspect... maximizing time with the kids and getting my ducks in a row for 50/50 custody. But how does one prepare for slander and such dirty tricks??

                  Of particular note is the false allegations of abuse. I've never hit my kids, but I've noticed recently my wife insinuating that any form of discipline on my part is tantamount to abuse (putting kids in time out, separating them if they are fighting... ) Its a real problem.
                  How have people dealt with this?

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    My partners ex launched a campaign of slander against him after his separation. In hindsight he admits all of his should haves so I give them to you now:

                    1. Dont give up any time with the kids. If she wants them extra you switch time.
                    2. Be present in your community and stay there. Sports, school, church, dance, events etc. let people see you being super dad.
                    3. Dont play nice if you think she has changed or is being kind or trying etc. This is war and she will stab you in the back at every opportunity.
                    4. Be assertive not agressive. Learn these phrases—Its unfortunate you believe this to be true; Its not helpful to the children to do x; I am fully capable of xyz; thank you for your input etc.
                    5. Go for counseling and parenting classes.

                    Most of all though, dont engage. If she gets ugly, your response is “its unfortunate you are choosing to do this” and walk away.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      False allegations of abuse are rampant in the Family Court Stystem, and unless there is a conviction or concern to CAS, they go ignored.

                      Discipline was a nightmare in my home even when we were together, I played the wait till you Father Comes Home Card (it doesnt work). Then a complete disaster when we separated into 2 homes with 2 different parenting styles and sets of rules. I understand its possible for the majority of children, but my kids just acted out more. We are now in a program together, where through counselling and social workers are working towards a more mirrored home life between us. Easier said then done, but I would be working on a plan with your wife now on your family rules and consequences, that could be carried over should their be 2 homes. Perhaps the children are picking up on some tension in your home between their parents?

                      I also think the parent that stays in the matrimonial home has the upper hand when it comes to the kids, because that is what they know as home, and in turmoil they tend to retreat to that comfort.

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Originally posted by UncertainT View Post
                        Of particular note is the false allegations of abuse. I've never hit my kids, but I've noticed recently my wife insinuating that any form of discipline on my part is tantamount to abuse (putting kids in time out, separating them if they are fighting... ) Its a real problem.
                        How have people dealt with this?
                        This is a very dangerous position. A false allegation of abuse can see you kicked out of the house and being kept away from your kids for months.

                        Advice:

                        1. Nothing physical ever. Do not hold her arm. Do not close a door quickly. Do not wave fingers in her face. Do not even stand in her way ever. The most innocuous physical action can be construed as abuse. You might be exonerated a year later, but by then you have already lost. You cannot have any physical contact with her during even a low level altercation. If she hits you, consider calling the police immediately.

                        2. Consider getting a voice recorder. You are playing the long game here so that might be tough to keep up for a year. When couples are active adversaries, they have few interactions so it is easy to record everything. At the very least, if things are getting heated, you can start recording. It might save you when the police come knocking on the door.

                        3. Community involvement. Show that you are a patient, caring, even-tempered person in the community. Make it so that the idea that you might ever lose your temper is ridiculous. Never yell at your kid in public, for any reason.

                        Comment

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