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Islandmom · #1 04-26-2022, 02:34 PM

New here - reading this forum for awhile.
To introduce myself
1. 4 children
2. Married for 17 years
3. I have not worked
4. Ex Spouse earns 700K/year
5. Separated March 2021
6. Ex Spouse moved out of family home June 2021

We’re not separated financially. I’m still in the home and he pays all the bills and I have access to all the cc and bank accounts - Im just continuing on the way I did before.

The pattern that has evolved is he has all 4 kids(7, 9, 13, 15)
every second weekend and then has one of them every Thursday night.
It’s a very busy schedule - the kids all go to different schools - all are doing well. Ex Spouse always saying that he wants to get a parenting schedule and I say okay but then he has no suggestions. We’re a year into this schedule and the kids are all doing really well. I frequently suggest evenings when some of the children are free and encourage him to take them out for dinner etc - sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn’t.

There’s a complicating factor in that there is a long standing history of abuse and when I first was gathering myself together to leave one of my friends told me that I needed to collect evidence of the abuse - so I did that. I’m now just trying to recover and find “myself” again while raising 4 kids.

Any thoughts on my situation?

rockscan · #2 04-26-2022, 03:12 PM

If you have no problem with your ex having parenting time then the abuse is irrelevant. Canada is a �no fault� divorce country.

You will need to determine how long you are entitled to support for. I recommend you speak to a lawyer and don�t buy into the �you don�t ever have to work again� idea. Should also start thinking about what you want to do with your life and where you want to go figuratively. You and your ex are split and he is no longer responsible for 100% of your lifestyle.

He will have to pay support for the kids and that includes school expenses. This does not mean you have a blank cheque for whatever you think they need.

I suggest you start by pulling together your financial information from the date of separation and take a good long look at your expenses. You may not be able to afford the home on your own (he is entitled to a share) with the amount you receive from.

I also suggest you be reasonable about things. Fighting over minute and minuscule things will cost money. Jot down what you want with respect to time with the kids and support. You will need to also make decisions about where you go from here. You should also consider what you can live with (ie shared 50/50 time with the kids). This is all important so that when he speaks to a lawyer and he comes back and reduces his payments to what he thinks ss and cs should be, you are prepared. Expect he will want to move on with his life and sever all financial connections to you (not the kids).

There is a lot of info on the forum. Do a deep search of spousal support and split of assets. Start interviewing lawyers to see who fits what you want. Don�t believe anyone that says the sky is the limit and be reasonable. I cant stress that enough. Fighting and being unrealistic only costs money.

Islandmom · #3 04-26-2022, 03:30 PM

Thank you Rockscan for your response.
I am about 18 months out from finishing a PhD. I’ve done 2 degrees since having my first in 2006. I never wanted to just be at home and my plan was always to start working more and more once the kids were a little older. 4 kids is busy and right now working wouldn’t be possible - though that changes on a yearly basis. I do plan to work. S7 expenses are 140K per year. I have some significant health challenges - physical injuries from abuse and that is being dealt with as a civil matter.
You’re right - neither one of us can afford to live in the home - it’s worth 8 mil and neither one of us can afford to buy the other out. I’ve been told that SS will be 17 years - he may offer a settlement. CS seems easy it’s a simple table. I am not interested in anything more than 50 percent CS. I don’t think he will be able to do 50/50 - his job is demanding and I don’t want to punish him for working. I think extra weekends and extra vacation time will help to equalize?

We both have lawyers. Though it’s really slow moving.

I am working very hard at learning to work with him. He has hurt me so much, but he is a good dad. I have a serious anxiety response to him but I’m learning to manage that.

rockscan · #4 04-26-2022, 03:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Islandmom

Thank you Rockscan for your response.
I am about 18 months out from finishing a PhD. I�

ve done 2 degrees since having my first in 2006. I never wanted to just be at home and my plan was always to start working more and more once the kids were a little older. 4 kids is busy and right now working wouldn�

t be possible - though that changes on a yearly basis. I do plan to work. S7 expenses are 140K per year. I have some significant health challenges - physical injuries from abuse and that is being dealt with as a civil matter.
You�

re right - neither one of us can afford to live in the home - it�

s worth 8 mil and neither one of us can afford to buy the other out. I�

ve been told that SS will be 17 years - he may offer a settlement. CS seems easy it�

s a simple table. I am not interested in anything more than 50 percent CS. I don�

t think he will be able to do 50/50 - his job is demanding and I don�

t want to punish him for working. I think extra weekends and extra vacation time will help to equalize?

We both have lawyers. Though it�

s really slow moving.

I am working very hard at learning to work with him. He has hurt me so much, but he is a good dad. I have a serious anxiety response to him but I�

m learning to manage that.

Good for you!! A PhD is nothing to sneeze and you will be amazed at what you can achieve!

In that case the abuse matters related to health issues. That should be considered in any agreement.

Getting on with your life and taking back control of your path will go a long way to dealing with your anxiety.

blinkandimgone · #5 04-26-2022, 03:38 PM

CS is the right of the child and based on the numbers, rather than "50 percent", keep that in mind when calculating numbers.

For everything else, give yourself room to negotiate down rather than starting at the minimum you would be ok with.

pinkHouses · #6 04-26-2022, 03:41 PM

Is there a problem with simply continuing the way things are?

Islandmom · #7 04-26-2022, 04:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pinkHouses

Is there a problem with simply continuing the way things are?

I don’t know. He is very angry that I have finally actually used the term abuse.I didn’t tell anyone at all for a very long time and actually fell into a mental fog for a couple of years while I came to terms with it myself. There is a lot of shame in it to be honest. We are well respected members of our community and what was going on behind closed doors is shocking and embarrassing - it doesn’t fit the appearance of our family. My ex spoke to me in our marriage in a very unkind way and always criticized everything I did and also used to turn things around so that everything was always due to my failings. It’s really broken me down over the years. He is very good at getting me to question my reality and at times I have had to review video and audio recordings to remind myself of what actually happened.

I am scared of him in some ways - he’s creepy, sneaky, and dishonest and mean. But I have to learn how to work with the best of him and see that part because I have to.

I would not wish any of this on my worst enemy.

Brampton33 · #8 04-26-2022, 04:12 PM

Doesn't sound like money is a large issue here, but based on the issues at play, this separation/divorce will run you anywhere between $1,500 and $500,000. All depends on how much you want to bicker over things such as parenting time and supports. Remember, your lawyer is not your friend. He/she may encourage you to fight for the moon...especially when abuse is alleged.

pinkHouses · #9 04-26-2022, 04:17 PM

It sounds like you have a big nothing burger there and you may have some issues yourself. Hard to say.
"I am scared of him in some ways - he’s creepy, sneaky, and dishonest and mean" This isn't about your feelings of him and he could say the same about you.

This is the question you need to determine an answer to:
Is there a problem with simply continuing the way things are?

Islandmom · #10 04-26-2022, 04:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brampton33

Doesn't sound like money is a large issue here, but based on the issues at play, this separation/divorce will run you anywhere between $1,500 and $500,000. All depends on how much you want to bicker over things such as parenting time and supports. Remember, your lawyer is not your friend. He/she may encourage you to fight for the moon...especially when abuse is alleged.

Yes - I’m aware it could be expensive and I know that my ex and I both want to keep legal costs down. The abuse isn’t alleged, it’s proven on video tape - multiple recordings. There are a lot of false allegations of abuse in divorce proceedings. And the people who do that as a way of manipulating the court system make it very difficult for people who have actually been abused. I was instructed early in this process before so had even separated that I would need to shut up about the abuse forever if I didn’t have hard evidence.

You’re right - it’s worth considering - continue the way things are. Sell the main home, and purchase two separate homes(obviously we will both have less and we are aware and accepting of that) and keep going as we are. We both have senior collaborative lawyers - mine is a friend of a family member and he took my case even though he’s not accepting new clients.

I read something somewhere that said you know you have eight agreement if you both end up a little unhappy. I’m trying to keep that in mind.

This is all just lose lose lose.

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