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New Baby - Physically Abusive Wife

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  • New Baby - Physically Abusive Wife

    My buddy just left his wife (common law) and new baby (6 weeks old) this week to avoid her physical and verbal abuse from continuing in front of their child. He found a nice two bedroom place in the same town to stay close to his little girl.

    He is 6'2" 200 lbs, she is 5'4" 120 lbs. He has NEVER raised a hand to her despite her viciously attacking him numerous times leaving him with visible injuries before and during her pregnancy.

    His boss, his coworkers and her family have all seen bruises and scratches, black eyes and know about her behaviour. They both work at the same workplace and even her boss is afraid to piss this chick off.

    She has punched him in the face while he was driving because he wouldn't continue an argument and jumped on his back and banged his head on the door frame when he tried to leave during another confrontation.

    He has never called the police because he didn't think they would believe him and felt the cops would have arrested him instead of her (especially since there are guns (hunting rifles) in their house.

    She is intelligent and well educated and he had brushes with the law when he was a teenager but has no criminal record. They are both in their 30s now.

    He knows its over and wants to file for custody and access to his precious baby girl as soon as possible. She is nursing the baby and owns the house they were living in.

    She already told him she doesn't have to let him see the child until the ittle one is a year old. (which I know is bull and told him so).

    He doesn't know if her bad behaviour should be brought forward in his application to the court since joint custody and mediation are both off the table in cases of domestic violence.

    How does the court handle it when the wife/mother is the abuser.

    Thanks,

    P.S. She also has the financial means (family money) for a long bitter court fight and he doesn't.

  • #2
    He should back with a voice recorder, file a motion and then get started.

    Comment


    • #3
      Thanks, Links.

      He doesn't think she is stable enough for him to go back.

      He recognizes that whatever her mental health problems were before the baby was born, they have gotten worse. She has become very erratic with her moods switching on a dime. Her mom is staying with her and the baby since he left.

      She has been seeing a therapist for quite a few months and had some sessions last week after he left. He hopes by removing himself as a target that she can calm down with help from family and doctors.

      He has tons of text messages of her abusive ranting at him and even admitting that she has assaulted him and apologizing.

      He won't even go back to the house to get the rest of his stuff without either the police or a witness. (She never acts up in front other people)

      The biggest question he has, is if it's worth it to put the domestic violence in the application or not with her just having given birth.

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      • #4
        What does he want shared custody or what?

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        • #5
          He really doesn't have a clue right now but says at least joint and possibly shared. With the baby being so young and her nursing , he knows he will only get short visits for now.

          I have encouraged him to ask for 1-2 hours 3 or 4 times a week with his ex out of the house so he can bond with his baby and to reduce the tension between him and his ex.

          She is definitely having a rough time post-partum (but was abusive and angry before she ever got pregnant. If he can spend time with the baby and give her a break at the same time he hopes things will calm down so they can work out a reasonable custody and access plan.

          Comment


          • #6
            If he ever wants shared custody he either asks now or forget about it. He must take action now.

            All this hope of calming down is wasted he is now in a legal battle get your ducks in order or be skewered.
            Last edited by Links17; 03-08-2015, 01:04 PM.

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            • #7
              I'm curious - what is your personal assessment on the situation based on your own personal observations of the mother. Did you ever witness her attacking him? How long have you known the couple?

              Comment


              • #8
                I have known the guy involved for quite a few years but have only met his girlfriend/wife a few times.

                He is a very low key, jeans and t-shirt kind of guy and has worked at the same company since finishing school. She is very smart and attractive but comes across high maintenance and spoiled.

                They are from totally different social circles and probably wouldn't ever have gotten together if they didn't meet at work. She is in the front office and he works on the shop floor. She started chasing him very soon after her marriage broke up. He was flattered and stupidly in lust.

                She has kicked him out multiple times during arguments (he then leaves) and within hours or days she apologizes and begs him to come back saying she will get help.

                My mom knows actually knows him very well. He has been confiding in her for a long time. My mom has seen deep scratches on neck and bruises on his face from two of these attacks.

                My mom encourages him to move out every time and when he wasn't willing to leave his girlfriend/wife while she was pregnant and told him to save all text messages between them and to walk away every time she started getting really upset.

                At the end he was locking himself in the bathroom when things got heated to try and stay in the home with his daughter and give his girlfriend time and space to calm down. Most of the assaults have happened when he tries to leave the house after she has told him to get out.

                After this last blow up, my mom printed out all the forms he needs to start an application in family court here in Ontario and recommended he fill them out and then speak to a lawyer to protect his rights with his new baby if he can afford it.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Yes do that, speak to a lawyer please.... because by leaving the house he essentially approved her having sole custody and him having no access.

                  I would suggest he read up on what the difference between "sole custody" and "shared custody". Its basically whether you spend 40% or less time with the kids and it has a major financial impact nothing else really changes.

                  Its also much easier for her to move away if she has sole custody - in fact its almost guaranteed she can move away.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by YoungDad23 View Post
                    Thanks, Links.

                    He doesn't think she is stable enough for him to go back.

                    He recognizes that whatever her mental health problems were before the baby was born, they have gotten worse. She has become very erratic with her moods switching on a dime. Her mom is staying with her and the baby since he left.

                    She has been seeing a therapist for quite a few months and had some sessions last week after he left. He hopes by removing himself as a target that she can calm down with help from family and doctors.

                    He has tons of text messages of her abusive ranting at him and even admitting that she has assaulted him and apologizing.

                    He won't even go back to the house to get the rest of his stuff without either the police or a witness. (She never acts up in front other people)

                    The biggest question he has, is if it's worth it to put the domestic violence in the application or not with her just having given birth.
                    I think not.

                    Unless the ex is in danger of behaving violently towards the baby, her behavior towards him is not relevant to the question of his access to the child. If her mother is with her and she's receiving care from doctors, it sounds like the baby is not in danger. It also sounds like there is no official record of the violence involving him, so it's unfortunately going to come down to he-said/she-said, if he did include that information in any official application. As other posters have said, however, he should make sure he isn't alone with her - always have a neutral third party present whenever he has to interact with her face-to-face (picking up belongings from her house, etc).

                    I would suggest that he immediately begin requesting access to the child as you suggest, for a few hours at a time, a few days a week. This is a reasonable request given how young the infant is, and taking nursing into consideration. Make the request via email, and even if the ex says no, keep requesting. Even if his ex refuses, he will have a record showing that he was making an effort to be an involved equal parent, he didn't just abandon a newborn and a struggling mother (which is how it could be painted).

                    I also really think he needs a lawyer right away. They were common-law and it sounds like it wasn't a very long-term relationship, so that makes things a bit simpler when it comes to dividing up assets, but nailing down a schedule that will enable him to be a full and equal parent, especially when the child is so young, might take legal forcefulness.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Thanks Stripes, great post and thanks for the other responses to this thread.

                      I will forward him the advice and let him take it from there.

                      He was able to spend a couple of hours with the baby yesterday at the house so that is a big step forward. He took a family member with him to be a witness and act as a buffer since mom wasn't willing to leave and things went ok.

                      My mom advised him to only talk about the baby's needs and schedule while he is there. His ex has asked him to attend couples counselling with her ASAP and he has agreed since even if they don't go forward as a couple it will provide a safe place for them to talk about the situation.

                      I just hope she isn't working with a lawyer in the background and planning to stab him in the back once she thinks she has him back on side.

                      I have a settlement conference coming up in April for custody of my toddler son (which has not been decided yet) so I am going to be focusing on my own case for now.

                      Thanks again!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        It sounds like your friend is getting good advice and listening to it, doing all the right things. As long as he stays focused on maximizing his involvement with the baby, he can be optimistic. I hope his ex calms down enough that they can hammer out a parenting plan that allows them both to be equal parents, though it could be a pretty rough ride for the next eighteen years.

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                        • #13
                          Sometimes when the other party has good legal counsel it can be a good thing. Fortunately the high conflict mother is employed and may not qualify for legal aid in your province? (your friend can easily check legal aid income parameters online). If she does have a lawyer she will hopefully receive some good advice as well as a healthy bill. Nothing like a big bill from a lawyer to convince someone to be reasonable and settle out-of-court.

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                          • #14
                            I was faced with a very similar situation myself. There is a stigma out there than only men abuse women. Your friend should be prepared that if things go sour, than he will be accused of violence continually if she is high conflict. In my case, my ex was very erratic and fortunately for me, she called the police during one of the incidents and had herself arrested. To this day however (10 years later), her lawyer(s) constantly state that I am aggressive and abusive despite the evidence to the contrary. I'm 6'2", she's 5'2" and that tactic/stereotype seems to work.

                            The young age of the child doesn't work well your friend. There is some good advice in here, hopefully the mother is willing to support an equal schedule. I would advise him to keep the peace as long as he can to secure a court ordered schedule. People like this often turn bitter and it can be a long road ahead.

                            Comment

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