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  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Parenting Issues

Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 01-19-2020, 09:51 PM
HardWorkingDad HardWorkingDad is offline
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Default Not allowed facetime?

Tonight my ex texted me and asked me to no longer face time with my kids when I call. Said that they are different. Cry after I facetime and that when I would phone they were fine.
I'm torn as I dont want to hurt my kids but at the same time we see each other using this. I've requested more time with them and shes denied it. I had asked my S7 what he wanted and he asked me to facetime.
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  #2  
Old 01-20-2020, 10:47 AM
LovingDad1234 LovingDad1234 is offline
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I am sorry you are going through your situation. In my view, it is totally BS. The kids are hurting because you don't spend enough time with them, and her solution is to FURTHER restrict your involvement, facetime, etc? Why would she want to restrict the kids from having an active dad?? It is so frustrating how ex's exercise control at the expense of their kids!

Same thing is going on with me. Kiddo is dying for more time, and my ex says that the solution to the problem is for me to spend LESS time so that the child whines less.

Do you have a plan in place to spend more time with them? Best solution is to have as much time as possible, if possible.
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Old 01-20-2020, 11:05 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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do you guys have a the resources to engage a parenting coach? they are really good with questions like this.

In the absence of that, my understanding is that if your agreement doesn't spell out what each party is entitled to in terms of communication, then the parent who's in charge of the child at any particular time gets to decide on the communication.

Did your ex ask or tell you?
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  #4  
Old 01-20-2020, 11:35 AM
LovingDad1234 LovingDad1234 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
do you guys have a the resources to engage a parenting coach?
I had a clause in the proposed agreement that both parents would seek the services of a parenting coordinator/counsellor to "bury the hatchet" and work towards a mutual respect (moreless her respecting me as a parent and not just an uncle/daddy who she visits). She removed it from the proposed agreement as she said she could not be bothered to take time off of work, or personal time, to utilize such services. She is required to take individual counseling as part of the agreement (and recommended by the OCL) to learn to "share" our kids with the other parent. Has she? Nope. In her mind she is not doing anything wrong whatsoever.

I had a clause with respect to facetime on kids birthdays, but on birthdays she cannot be reached to allow facetime...either texting me the next day to say that her phone was dead, or lost, or whatever excuse for not allowing the facetime.
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Old 01-20-2020, 12:06 PM
undersc0re undersc0re is offline
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In my opinion the kids are emotional during and after the facetime most likely because you need to spend more quality actual time with them. Good reason to ask for more time.
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  #6  
Old 01-20-2020, 01:27 PM
LovingDad1234 LovingDad1234 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by undersc0re View Post
Good reason to ask for more time.
The issue on our end is that the mom's are being unreasonable and vindictive. Rather than agree to more time, or allow for facetime, they say the opposite, where their view is that it should be cut out or down to avoid the kids being upset....thinking they are upset whenever they facetime dad, so therefore the plausible response is to eliminate the cause of them being upset. Makes no sense.
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Old 01-20-2020, 02:46 PM
LovingDad1234 LovingDad1234 is offline
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My best advice? Document EVERYTHING. Even if its in a journal. Document how you have made countless efforts to be in the kids lives, and how she shuts you out for no plausible reason. Use it as evidence to get your 50/50 when you feel the time is right to push for more time (or have collected enough evidence), or evidence when she tries to take further time away formally. I am no expert by no means, just my 2 cents. Remember, evidence is key. Dates, times, notes, etc...as opposed to hearsay.
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Old 01-20-2020, 03:36 PM
dad2bandm dad2bandm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HardWorkingDad View Post
Tonight my ex texted me and asked me to no longer face time with my kids when I call...

I noticed another user asked the same thing, but to ask again, did your ex actually ask, or was it basically an ultimatum?



How are the kids on these "Facetime" calls with you? Do you observe any of the "different behaviour" while you're conversing with the kids, on the calls? How often do these calls occur?



If not...



If I got such requests from my ex (and I did get very similar ones), I would simply respond, to state "this is not something I ever observe while I'm talking to the kids. Can you clarify what kind of "different" or "problem" behaviour you are referring to?". and "If this is something you are seeing afterwards when it's just you and the kids, I can only guess the kids are just wanting some more equal time with both of us, so please consider my request again, for letting the kids have some more balanced time with both of their parents"


Since she's already texting you about this, at least you have something documented. Email would be better though. With such a response, she may respond to you (more documentation), to basically dump on you as a parent, or other stupid stuff. (my ex did)


If it is something you have observed...
You could always respond to say "I have noticed some of this, but I don't think it's Facetime use itself, but the kids just wanting some more equal time with both of us, so please consider my request again, for letting the kids have some more balanced time with both of their parents"


In either case, you could look at what times these Facetime calls happen, in case it's a timing thing right before bedtime or something, but likely not even a real issue. But if you offer up alternatives that you are okay with (and you have to be okay with them), it shows you being a reasonable parent.


Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingDad1234 View Post
My best advice? Document EVERYTHING...

Can't stress that enough. If you do have to go to court to try and get more parenting time with your kids, it's nice to have "documentation" to show where the other parent was being unreasonable, or even trying to limit your parenting time.
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  #9  
Old 01-23-2020, 10:06 AM
HardWorkingDad HardWorkingDad is offline
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It was a "Can I ask that we don't..."


On the phone, my son is not visibly upset. But the last time we did facetime it was on the night he went back to his mom's house. Im debating to ask him if he wants me to continue facetime but my lawyer advised against that because they said judges do not like when parents ask of kids those kinds of questions.
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  #10  
Old 01-23-2020, 11:46 AM
LovingDad1234 LovingDad1234 is offline
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Agree with you lawyer. Never, ever, involve the kids in the adult situation. This is between you and mom. Don't even talk about the situation with the mom in front of the kids.

In my view, the child is upset after facetime because he doesn't spend enough time with you. If he is upset afterwards, it is mom's responsibility to address the situation (ie: console the kiddo) and PROMOTE your relationship, as opposing to blaming you for him being upset such as "oh, you are sad because of the facetime so lets cut that out bandaid style". That is how my STBX would spin it which is just not right.
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