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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 09-12-2019, 03:22 PM
rhender rhender is offline
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Default High Conflict Step Parent

My ex got in a new relationship a couple of years ago and it has been high conflict ever since - we have joint 50/50. The new step mom is demanding all contact go through her. When I disagreed, she logged into his account and is now composing the emails under his email account. I can tell she is drafting them because sometimes she says I or my ex's name and they are sarcastic and rude. She also went into the shared calendar and changed the parenting schedule twice without either parent knowing. She says things to the kids like - you are making my life hell and if you were my kid, I would slap you. Dad just lets her run the show. The kids are missing activities, one of my children is a gifted athlete and the coaches are not happy about the absences. Has anyone dealt with a new ex that is so controlling and has no boundaries? What do you do when co-parenting is no longer working?
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  #2  
Old 09-12-2019, 03:36 PM
Mom 2 Two Mom 2 Two is offline
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This is my life exactly with my exís gf...

Apparently this isnt much you can do. I have an OCL report telling her to back the F off and stop engaging but she continues to drive the bus for my ex.


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Old 09-12-2019, 03:49 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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The problem isnít the new spouse but your ex. They need to be more assertive and it is impacting you.

The only thing you can do is document. And you could also send emails to your ex with a text to their number outlining the issues with attendance etc. For instance ďkid was late/missed soccer practice last night. This event was in the shared calendar, was place there three weeks ago, was shared with you x date and is also in the documentation sent to you from the team on x date. If you have difficulty getting kid to the event, please advise within 24 hours.Ē

You are never going to win a battle of reason with an unreasonable person. Which is why you need to circumvent them. Start taking kids yourself. Pick them up from dads and take them. Find other ways to get around the person. Still send the correspondence but accept that the other person will not comply.
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Old 09-12-2019, 04:43 PM
Stillbreathing Stillbreathing is offline
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You could ask to speak to your ex on the phone as the email thing isnít working. This would ensure it is him you are communicating with.
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Old 09-12-2019, 04:47 PM
Mom 2 Two Mom 2 Two is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stillbreathing View Post
You could ask to speak to your ex on the phone as the email thing isnít working. This would ensure it is him you are communicating with.


Wishful thinking. If the gf is that controlling she wonít allow that to happen either.

I tried that. Then I got an email telling me to stop harassing him and he will not speak with me in person or via the phone.

I tried to ask about enrolling in soccer. Which dad refused over email. Yet agreed to each year prior.

So you can try it... but doubtful it will work.


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Old 09-12-2019, 05:22 PM
rhender rhender is offline
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It does sound a lot like Mom 2 two - do you also have joint custody? He wonít take phone calls or respond to texts. They wonít let me take the kids to activities on their time, so the kids are missing out - I offer all the time, other parents offer, coaches offer, they donít care. I was hoping with my son being gifted, we could get coaches to write a letter that it is hurting his potential for professional sports and scholarships. Her messages are also harassing and frequent, so I was thinking I could try a cease and desist letter maybe? She recently lost her job - which happens every few months - so her behaviour is escalating again.
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Old 09-12-2019, 05:33 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Look, you cannot force someone to do something they do not want to do. You also cannot dictate what they do on his time. Yes it sucks and yes it will have an impact on the kids but this is the way it is and you need to accept it. Kids will learn pretty quickly who has their best interest in mind and their feet will do the talking when they are old enough.

You also donít need to show up to every fight you are invited to. If his new spouse is high conflict and antagonistic, donít engage. Your ex has the schedules, he has everything he needs, he has the kids saying they want to go. There is nothing else you can do. They are doing this simply to antagonize you. By engaging you are giving them what they wantóa reaction. Think of them as a toddler having a tantrum. Donít give them the attention.
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Old 09-12-2019, 06:53 PM
Mom 2 Two Mom 2 Two is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
Look, you cannot force someone to do something they do not want to do. You also cannot dictate what they do on his time. Yes it sucks and yes it will have an impact on the kids but this is the way it is and you need to accept it. Kids will learn pretty quickly who has their best interest in mind and their feet will do the talking when they are old enough.

You also donít need to show up to every fight you are invited to. If his new spouse is high conflict and antagonistic, donít engage. Your ex has the schedules, he has everything he needs, he has the kids saying they want to go. There is nothing else you can do. They are doing this simply to antagonize you. By engaging you are giving them what they wantóa reaction. Think of them as a toddler having a tantrum. Donít give them the attention.


Rockscan is right... the more you react the more nasty they will be. And sadly you canít force them to take the kids to sports. If itís competitive and you go to court it may get ordered. But it will depend on the age and talent of the child I guess.

Itís all so frustrating and unfair.


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Old 09-12-2019, 07:24 PM
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Janus Janus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rhender View Post
The new step mom is demanding all contact go through her. When I disagreed, she logged into his account and is now composing the emails under his email account.
Parents get to decide who is involved in the lives of their children. Your ex has decided that stepmom is going to be involved in the lives of your children. He has the right to make that decision. I think it is a lousy decision (I think parents should do more of the parenting than stepparents) but that is not my decision to make, nor is it yours.

Quote:
Dad just lets her run the show.
That is his problem.

Quote:
The kids are missing activities, one of my children is a gifted athlete and the coaches are not happy about the absences.
That is a bigger problem, but not necessarily solveable. Parents have the right not to bring kids to activities during their parenting time.

Quote:
Has anyone dealt with a new ex that is so controlling and has no boundaries? What do you do when co-parenting is no longer working?
You make plans during your time only, and assume complete non-compliance by the other parent. It honestly makes things go much more smoothly if you only need to rely on yourself.
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Old 09-13-2019, 02:14 AM
Stillbreathing Stillbreathing is offline
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All of the above advice is excellent. Since you know all the communication is going through her, communicate as little as you can. Give the bare essentials and then forget about it. If your kids are gifted athletes and your ex and his new thingamabob refuse to take them to activities then your children have just come up against an obstacle in their lives. Life is full of obstacles. Your exís thingamabob happens to be one of theirs at this moment in time. If letís say they want to make the Olympic Games in their chosen sport and thingamabob is refusing to take them to practices... well the other Olympic contenders also have obstacles to overcome. They might not have an interfering thingamabob to deal with but may come from an impoverished family or a war torn country. The point is obstacles are a part of life as are exís thingamabobís. If your kids want to excel at their sports bad enough, they will find a way despite thingamabob. If your kids come to you and complain about thingamabob you can tell them they need to find a way to work with her, beside her or overtop of her. Itís part of life to figure out how to overcome obstacles and thingamabobs. It builds character too. Have faith that your kids will figure it out and if they really want to excel they will and thereís a good chance thingamabob wonít be invited to the Olympic medal ceremony either if she keeps this up!
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