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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 11-10-2019, 07:29 AM
LovingDad1234 LovingDad1234 is offline
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Default Drop Offs and Exchange Advice?

Recently working with a separation agreement. Starting to think it wasn’t specific enough. We have a joyful toddler who loves both parents equally.

For most parts, pickups and drop offs are at school. Ex insists that all pickups and drop offs not at school be done at their place. I am constantly losing 30 minutes of quality time due to travel time because they are too lazy to reciprocate good gestures.

Moreover, when I arrive at exes, our child wants to show ex new toy or garment (or whatever being that they are happy) and ex goes out of way to have exchange extremely fast, non-cordial and robotic. My view is that there is no harm in being cordial rather than “racing” the exchange where the kid is asking why they are being rushed into the door.

Maybe exchanges should be more equally distributed between who is doing the drop offs as it’s always me? Any advice would help!
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Old 11-10-2019, 08:05 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Your ex doesn’t like you. She doesn’t want to exchange pleasantries. Get over it.

As to the exchanges. Your bad. Or your lawyers. Should’ve asked to split the driving. Person who’s parenting time is starting should do the pick up from other parent’s home. As a lot of people say- car time can be quality time.

Now, if you’re venting. Totally understandable. But no advice we can really offer other than stop letting your ex’s actions bother you so much.
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  #3  
Old 11-10-2019, 11:25 AM
Berner_Faith Berner_Faith is offline
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She’s your ex for a reason... she doesn’t want to stand in your house, she doesn’t want to be near you. I never understand the argument of losing time over travel... is your child with you? Can you not talk to your child? Play road games? You could actually learn a lot by having conversations in the car and not being distracted by everything else. I really enjoy driving with my bonus kids because it’s when we talk the most.

You didn’t put it in your agreement, you’ve been doing exchanges. Usually it’s suggested each parent pick up or a neutral meeting place but that wasn’t something you negotiated


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Old 11-10-2019, 01:31 PM
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Janus Janus is offline
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If the agreement is silent, then on the next exchange when it is her turn to pick up the kids, send her a message once you have the children that she can pick them up at your place.

When she tells you to drop them off. Just reiterate pleasantly:

"As I said, the pickup will be at my place. I look forward to seeing you there"

It is important that you only play this game when you have the kids or she might stop you from picking them up in the first place.
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Old 11-10-2019, 09:54 PM
sahibjee sahibjee is offline
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ignore the negative advice here, your desire to have a more cordial exchange experience is totally warranted. However cold and robotic behavior typically comes from high conflict people; so to be cordial with them is actually endangering yourself.



Be cordial with your child, and let it slide, 10 years down the line your child will see all these things and realize who is there for them by themselves.



Also always document and have your recorder running, you as a male have ZERO presumption of innocence in this country.
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Old 11-11-2019, 09:43 AM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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Pleasantries with my ex range from cold to robotic most times. IMO, ignore it and simply be yourself. I normally say hi, how are you, and then focus on my kid. I am not there to see my ex, I am there for my kid.

As for driving, what does the agreement state and what is status quo? From the sounds of it, status quo is you driving. So depending on how long that has been going on, it may be hard to change it.
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Old 11-11-2019, 04:32 PM
LovingDad1234 LovingDad1234 is offline
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Agreed that my ex does not like me. It shows in the amount of $$ they made me waste in a lengthy, bitter court battle, all while they abused legal aid.

Its a hard pill to swallow when your ex needlessly treats you worse than dirt. When we arrive at their place, there is no harm in the the child excitingly saying how they had fun at the carnival and for me to chime in to say our kid is quite the crackshot at shooting ducks... 5 minutes tops, where our kid sees mom and dad cordial, rather than being shoved in the door and wondering what the bleep is going on...

For me, unfortunately, I started by being a gentleman and got into the habit of being the "driver" which appeared be doing the ex a favour. Back when we were cordial, and me showing my huge heart. Now we are no longer cordial, and I am wondering how I got myself to always being the driver as the norm.

For what its worth, I can imagine the timebomb I would set off by asking for them to start coming to my place to pick up our kid.
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Old 11-11-2019, 06:02 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingDad1234 View Post
For what its worth, I can imagine the timebomb I would set off by asking for them to start coming to my place to pick up our kid.
What does your agreement say? If you have a graduated schedule (I have one too)- then your agreement surely has pickups and drop offs outlined?
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Old 11-11-2019, 10:59 PM
ele110 ele110 is offline
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1- Pickups: have pick up the kid at your place when you have the kid.
2- Courtesy at pick up times: at least ex is not screaming at you. Better this way as far as I am concerned.
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  #10  
Old 11-12-2019, 05:59 PM
LovingDad1234 LovingDad1234 is offline
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My agreement is silent as to who does the pick ups. It was an oversight. It'll eventually be 50/50 where all pickups/drop offs are done through school so at that time it will not be an issue. Just a HUGE annoyance along the way, I guess.
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