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  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Parenting Issues

Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #11  
Old 10-15-2019, 11:34 PM
calvinfive calvinfive is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
Strong term to use but... Let's discuss its use of the term in the context of your matter.

I wouldn't say you are dead wrong having knowledge of your matter. But, it lies more on the egocentric side of behaviour and not the extreme behaviour patterns that are "narcisitic" per-say. Narcissists are self-destructive generally. I suspect you are dealing with an egotist/egocentrist more than a narcissist. Very similar behaviour patterns but, with key differentiators.

To boil it down narcissists are dangerous and egotists are assholes.
There he is!! Where have you been all these years! LOL
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  #12  
Old 10-16-2019, 10:17 AM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
Strong term to use but... Let's discuss its use of the term in the context of your matter.

I wouldn't say you are dead wrong having knowledge of your matter. But, it lies more on the egocentric side of behaviour and not the extreme behaviour patterns that are "narcisitic" per-say. Narcissists are self-destructive generally. I suspect you are dealing with an egotist/egocentrist more than a narcissist. Very similar behaviour patterns but, with key differentiators.

To boil it down narcissists are dangerous and egotists are assholes.
Makes sense. I would say she has certain narcissistic traits, which I assume egotists would likely share.

I am going to give it a bit. This was one instance where it was said out of impulse due to her emotional state. It isn't a true sign of preference. Should she continue to bring it up, then I will start moving to make it happen.
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  #13  
Old 10-16-2019, 10:31 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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If it was a case of kid wanted to do whatever she pleased and not follow rules I would question her motive but she is tired of the drama from her mother. Some parents put their shit on their kids and it is so unfair because a) they don’t deserve it and b) they aren’t emotionally able to process it. At least your child can understand and appreciate she has no role in it. That’s good parenting on your part.
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  #14  
Old 10-23-2019, 04:15 PM
tonytwist tonytwist is offline
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Originally Posted by HammerDad View Post
I was driving my D14 home yesterday and during the ride her mother and her got into a spat (texting back and forth). My D14 just had a great weekend with me and my family for thanksgiving and was having fun with the neighbourhood kids and made a bunch of new friends. But then her mom was getting on her about a nothing issue and it put her mood in the toilet.

My D14 then asked if she chose to live with me, would I move to her town. I was dumbfounded. I never thought I would hear that from her. Mom has always been her number 1, the preferred parent. My ex has done a bit of work trying to alienate me, but I am doing a good job in undermining her efforts in that regard. My ex doesn't know that I have the password to D14's phone, and I review the text history to see what is said and then passively fix the issue and communicate with D14 so she is comfortable.

We discussed it, and I said I couldn't move to her town. It would put me commuting 2+ hours each way, and my wife commuting 1+ hour as D14's town is the opposite direction of work. I explained that she would have to change schools and there would be a lot of life changes. That if she was really serious, I would do everything I could to make it happen, but that she had to be aware of realities and repercussions of that decision. She seemed to understand, and that having already made new friends at my place would likely take some of the sting off moving.

Anyway, I was shocked. D14 went on about how they always fight, that the ex is never happy. The ex puts her own issues on the kid, like going on how she will always be single, that she will be old and alone, or puts her financial struggles on the kid. I explain that the ex's problems are her own, that D14 isn't the problem and reassure her in general. And just otherwise be an ear for D14 to express her feelings without judgement. D14 has said it is easier to talk to me than the ex, because I don't judge. I feel like I am regularly building her back up after the ex beats her down. The kid really enjoys coming to my place because it is low stress. Frig, I spilled my drink at dinner as I was helping open a bottle for the kid. I got up and cleaned it, no fuss. D mentioned that it was nice to see someone not freak out over a spill/accident.

I am not shrink, and have no education in the matter, and Tayken will likely give me the gears for doing this, but the ex (to me) is a typical narcissist. Nothing they do is wrong, nothing you do is right. She makes you feel bad for her mistakes in life, while taking no blame for herself. Then, she tries to buy your affection and gives you those few days of good times in the middle of all the bad, that you yearn for the good times. I know what it is like, as I lived it. It took me a long time to realize how I was supposed to be treated after being with her. The passive aggressive anger is palpable most days. And she is the most 2 faced person I know, cutting down everyone around her to justify or empower her own sense of superiority.

But yeah, the kid said it. I am not holding my breathe that anything will come of it. My kid is attached to her mom, albeit in an unhealthy way because of how the ex is. The kid is resilient and sees how things are different in the households, but that is still her mom. Personally, I don't know how seriously to take it, as it was a 1 time thing in the midst of an argument. Should it become even marginally apparent that this is her actual wants, I will do everything in my power to make it happen.

But yeah, it was a shock.
I'm in the same boat, everything you've said resonates with me. My daughter is 13 and my ex has her completely tethered to her. I would thank the heavens if she said she wanted to live with me some day. For now, all I can hope for is that we continue to spend every other weekend together.

It's been trying the last couple of weeks as my ex has been interfering with access by planning outings and events on my scheduled time with my daughter. I've only seen my her for 4 days since the beginning of school in September.
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  #15  
Old 10-23-2019, 04:17 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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She shouldnt be planning anything on your time. You need to remind her that it is your time and if she is going to refuse to give you make up time then you will consider this denial of access.

You can also offer to take the child to the activities yourself as it is on your agreed upon time.
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  #16  
Old 10-23-2019, 05:08 PM
tonytwist tonytwist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
She shouldnt be planning anything on your time. You need to remind her that it is your time and if she is going to refuse to give you make up time then you will consider this denial of access.

You can also offer to take the child to the activities yourself as it is on your agreed upon time.
She justifies it by saying that our daughter is a teen now and should not be governed by scheduled access times. Easy for her to say considering she has our daughter 90% of the time. My 10% is very valuable and I cherish every moment we can spend together.

I've offered to take our daughter to her activities but she prefers to go with her friends. Then I get an angry text/email with accusations of making our daughter "feel bad" and that I "don't respect her wishes". After the last fiasco at Thanksgiving where I only got to spend 1 day with our daughter instead of the scheduled 4, I thought long and hard about pursuing legal action. But then as time went on, I got cold feet and feared retaliation if I did. And so I did nothing.....again.
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  #17  
Old 10-23-2019, 05:14 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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My husbands ex pulled this. He reminded her that his time with the children is limited and he is more than happy to either reschedule his time and/or drive child to and from activities. The statement included “encouraging time with both parents is beneficial to our children”.

Offer to drive kid at other times. Sure as a teen they are going to have lifestyle changes but that doesn’t mean you can’t be involved.
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  #18  
Old 10-23-2019, 05:20 PM
tonytwist tonytwist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
My husbands ex pulled this. He reminded her that his time with the children is limited and he is more than happy to either reschedule his time and/or drive child to and from activities. The statement included “encouraging time with both parents is beneficial to our children”.

Offer to drive kid at other times. Sure as a teen they are going to have lifestyle changes but that doesn’t mean you can’t be involved.
Thank you, I will try this the next time this happens and it will.
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  #19  
Old 10-24-2019, 10:33 AM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tonytwist View Post
She justifies it by saying that our daughter is a teen now and should not be governed by scheduled access times. Easy for her to say considering she has our daughter 90% of the time. My 10% is very valuable and I cherish every moment we can spend together.

I've offered to take our daughter to her activities but she prefers to go with her friends. Then I get an angry text/email with accusations of making our daughter "feel bad" and that I "don't respect her wishes". After the last fiasco at Thanksgiving where I only got to spend 1 day with our daughter instead of the scheduled 4, I thought long and hard about pursuing legal action. But then as time went on, I got cold feet and feared retaliation if I did. And so I did nothing.....again.
You need to remind her that it is not the child, but the parent that is responsible for maintaining the parenting schedule. That until the parenting schedule is changed either by agreement or court order, than the current schedule will continue.

Your ex has misconstrued the notion that a judge will listen to the child's wishes about the parenting schedule, with the child gets to decide.

My kid enjoys going out with her friends, which is about 45 minutes away. I've always told my daughter that I would never interfere with her spending time with her friends and not only that, I will facilitate it! I have no problem taking her to or from anything, as we are still able to spend time together. I've been saying this for years, so she knows being with me doesn't mean no friends.

But yeah, you need to nip this in the bud. If the ex says the kid wants to do something, you say sure and that you will ensure that you get her there. That your time together is important, but that so is her time with her friends. But these are not mutually exclusive and can be done as you are willing to facilitate it.
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  #20  
Old 10-30-2019, 01:55 PM
gettingexpensive gettingexpensive is offline
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I'll chime in briefly on this one. I haven't read the full back story / your post history (but might) but..

If this is true "I am not shrink, and have no education in the matter, and Tayken will likely give me the gears for doing this, but the ex (to me) is a typical narcissist. Nothing they do is wrong, nothing you do is right.", and she is indeed somewhat of a narcissist (or cluster B personality disorder), this will be difficult for your daughter at her mom's place and she is now waking up to this. She can now see through the bullshit / smear campaign that her mom has been doing. She now slowly realizes that what she thought was "normal life at home" is not. And I'd venture to say that now that the ex cannot control you, she needs to control someone else.

Make sure your daughter doesn't mention any of this to her mom at this point because this could turn out explosive to say the least.. if there is indeed some personality disorder in there your daughter could move from being "the golden child" to "the bad child". She'll become her mom's scapegoat. She'll also be pissed of possibly losing out on child support.

As for living arrangements, I'd say look into it a bit more. Your ex will likely blame you for doing parental alienation even if it's not the case so you may have to go with OCL so your daughter's voice is heard. In the meantime, maybe try to maximize contacts and offer more visits? It would be a big move for her but may be something to consider at the end of the school year?

If there truly is a personality disorder involved, it's likely not sane for your daughter to stay there. She could end up reproducing this behavior down the road.

(background info: Wife has borderline personality disorder, kids and I are realizing how messed up this all is and the impact on their lives. they are 11 and 15..)
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