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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #61  
Old 07-17-2019, 09:47 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Im going to need to start thinking of what to do with all the air miles Im collecting buying liquor to get through this...

We got a letter from the exís lawyer yesterday and it is completely obvious that the biggest problem we have is her lawyer is a fucking idiot.

Highlight: tax benefits are considered in the child support tables so you canít subtract them from section 7 expenses.

Yes he said that.

Also: the agreement states the mother can claim tax benefits so they should not be subtracted.

My husband is happy because it means his ex is going to look stupid. Iím worried because if they are this dumb then who knows how much further they will fight this.

The good news is that he has dropped all the ridiculous claims she had made for money. It seems she is now a bit closer to reasonable.
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  #62  
Old 10-15-2019, 11:18 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Well it was a holiday weekend which resulted in drama and I think it was handled accordingly but Iím still angry.

We still have not heard anything from her lawyer. She has received an offer to settle and a letter advising that her requests are completely unreasonable. Itís been two months now.

The drama came from his oldest who is in her 20s and should be more mature but nope. His last convo with her ended abruptly as he refused to sit and listen to her bs fed to her from his ex. True to form, kid believed mom lost the motion because the judge was wrong and mean. Despite this my husband has been trying to salvage any connection. He follows his therapy tools, sets boundaries, changes the subject and is assertive. Unfortunately his kids still believe the lies and play games with him over his refusal to ďaccept the truthĒ.

He tried to schedule some time over the holiday and kid pulled a stunt. He stood up to her and she didnít like that blaming him for the problems and basically saying he should be grateful she is even giving him the time of day. He gave it some thought and called her on her claims and pointed out that their problems are because she chooses to believe lies. It was a straight forward message that simply said if kid wants a healthy relationship she needs to stop regurgitating the lies. She called him crazy and cut off communication.

As you can expect I was really angry. First because he doesnít deserve this, second because there have been veiled comments that allude to him moving on with his life and abandoning them, third because he bends over backwards and still gets kicked in the teeth. A few weeks ago he told me he feels like Iím happy he has a shitty relationship with them which resulted in me blasting him for thinking I was doing anything but encouraging a positive and healthy relationship. He knows what he did was right due to his therapy, but sometimes he feels that it is wrong to not take their abuse. Itís still a connection is his reasoning.

I was an alienated kid. My childhood sucked. I know what it is like to be brainwashed. I try to balance my knowledge and experience and watching this shit play out. His kids are in their 20s. They are old enough to see through this bs. Instead they are so deep in what they think happened that they blame him for shit that didnít happen AND get angry at him for trying to have a relationship in spite of what they do to him.

Iím also angry because itís been almost ten years. You would think he would have been able to see the futility of spending his energy on them. He has hobbies, he is happy in our life together, he copes well but every now and then he gets sad about them, emails and gets hurt. No matter what I say or do, or what he has worked through in therapy, he falls back on it. Sometimes he thinks itís ok to be abused!

I donít have kids but I have been through difficult family situations where I have had to set hard limits and hold to them. I went years without family contact but was emotionally healthy. Does being a parent really mean self flagellation like this??

We are hitting the three year mark of this court mess with no movement. Itís starting to wear on us both.
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  #63  
Old 10-15-2019, 11:28 PM
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Tayken Tayken is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
We got a letter from the exís lawyer yesterday and it is completely obvious that the biggest problem we have is her lawyer is a fucking idiot.
I always say I would rather deal with a crooked lawyer than a stupid one. With a crooked lawyer you can predict what they are going to do. A stupid lawyer is random and you never know what stupid thing they are going to do.
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  #64  
Old 10-15-2019, 11:32 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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I wonder if part of the tension is that your partner feels and knows that you donít like his kids. And even parents who know their kids are being idiots donít want their children to be disliked. I mean, I donít blame you one bit for how you feel about them.

I was talking to my sister once about why my exís sister supports him so much. I was really annoyed that she just seems to turn a blind eye to the shit he does. Or worse- supports his tantrums and problematic behaviour. The night we split, his sister called my parents as they were on the way to basically help me get the hell out of dodge; after he threatened to kill me and our daughter- and she YELLED at my mom about why canít I just be accommodating and stop making him angry. That I was ruining his life because I forced him to be that way. I asked my sister - ďhow???Ē How, as an educated and successful woman, could she support her brother being an abusive asshole?? My sister said that his sister is like his mom; and parents will lie to themselves and do anything to try to lessen the blow of who their kids really are- i.e. if theyíre not great people. My sister said if her son was doing what my ex did- she would probably have to lie to herself to support him. Because heís her son and she loves him. I wonder if itís like that for your husband. Heís trying desperately to view his kids in a different light.
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  #65  
Old 10-16-2019, 12:03 AM
calvinfive calvinfive is offline
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As a suggestion, why not you let him deal with his own problems with his kids? I mean, let him to be the one to go to the forums and seek out support.
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  #66  
Old 10-16-2019, 09:16 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by calvinfive View Post
As a suggestion, why not you let him deal with his own problems with his kids? I mean, let him to be the one to go to the forums and seek out support.

He is not technologically savvy, doesnít understand forums and gets emotional.

Iíve been here for five years asking questions and sharing legal info I have received. Iím not about to change that now.
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  #67  
Old 10-16-2019, 10:20 AM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
He is not technologically savvy, doesnít understand forums and gets emotional.

Iíve been here for five years asking questions and sharing legal info I have received. Iím not about to change that now.
IMO, you are doing fine. With the strides your husband has made in the years, I would say it has been working out.
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  #68  
Old 10-16-2019, 10:28 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Thanks HD. He got another email yesterday and it was pretty cruel. He is able to see how they have been abusing him in the same way his ex did.

Itís really sad to see parents treated this way. If we could just get this case over we could finally get on with our lives.
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