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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #1  
Old 10-07-2010, 11:30 AM
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J_Kitchener2010 J_Kitchener2010 is offline
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Default Went too far on the email

Since I came back to this site recently I have had some very good advice but one piece sticks out - and that is to not get baited into a war of words with the ex. Something I had let happen for too long.

Whilst I've always tried to take the high road and keep emails as businesslike and on-point as possible I went a litte far the other day. She has had alcohol issues in the past (DUI, assault etc) and I'm convinced she's an alcoholic. After a heated exchange via email I lost it and typed an email back in which I wrote amongst other things, "You look over fifty years old with the lifestyle you lead!", (she is forty). No offence meant to our fifty plus members - there is nothing wrong with looking fifty if you ARE fifty. ... I'm digging a hole here aren't I?

I very rarely lash out like that but she said a very horrid and untrue thing that made my blood boil. Anyway she came back with "I look over 50 years old, thank you for that by the way, and I will copy and use this in court for my reasons you are not a good example of a primary parent, you are absolutely unbending and unaccommodating in any way whatsoever. Again thanks for building my case for me."

Hopefully this comment won't make me a bad parent in the eyes of the courts but how damaging is this really? Should I be worried?

Obviously from here on in I will remain calm and not allow myself to get baited into pointless saber rattling.
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Old 10-07-2010, 12:03 PM
Heart-broken dad Heart-broken dad is offline
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THAT'S the comment you're worried about?!?!?!?! I wouldn't worry too much about it, then again, I'm a NCP who wears his heart on his sleeve. I've said much worst on emails...
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Old 10-07-2010, 12:18 PM
frustratedwithex frustratedwithex is offline
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I can’t answer your question, but I can comment on your emails.

My ex writes businesslike, on-point emails, he thinks he is taking the high road because he is just telling me things ‘that I need to know’. He is very intelligent and has a very good grasp of the English language, but what they are, is abusive, malicious and threatening.

I don’t respond to them, ever. The only emails I send him have to do with kids, doctor’s appointments, school info, that sort of thing.

The advice on this forum to keep your communication to emails and child centered is good advice. You can choose to read the emails or not, and you can choose to respond or not.
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Old 10-07-2010, 12:19 PM
ConcernenedStepMom78 ConcernenedStepMom78 is offline
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Kitchner so many things get said that are heated between ex's honestly I think that there are many Judge's who read this and laugh their heads off at tthe level of bickering, bantering and name calling, I think if you are a family court Judge you have to love drama, because there certainly is enough fill in this area of law. Unless you are threatening her the Judge will scoff it off because its senseless babble.
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Old 10-07-2010, 12:22 PM
ConcernenedStepMom78 ConcernenedStepMom78 is offline
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Since we are on the topic of emails I have a question, while I certainly understand not replying and such, what do you do when you know an ex is truly trying to make a genuine settlement offer, even though the offer is ill thought out, do you let it go, and just continue going through the cort process or do you try again and again and agin to try and genuinely make them understand, where is the cut off line?
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Old 10-07-2010, 12:26 PM
mrsb mrsb is offline
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J_Kitchener,

DO NOT ENGAGE WITH HER!!! She is trying to get under your skin and you are letting her do so therefore she wins.

From now on every email you send or want to send save as a dreft first and re-read it 24 hours later and then decide if you should send it or not. You are re-married? Perhaps have your wife read it before you hit send. It is so hard not to become angry and let that cloud your better judgement but right now you absolutly need to be as civil as possible while remaining firm and grounded on your postion regarding the children.

So you made an insult about her looks. Keep it at that and move on. Say nothing else. Will she attempt to use it? Yes. Will it matter? Probably not.

Find some sort of other outlet to get rid of your anger BEFORE you deal with her.

You seriously need to take the initiative and go file in court to make some changes. You need to put an end to this right now.
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Old 10-07-2010, 12:32 PM
HammerDad HammerDad is online now
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First the OP's topic.

Yeah, it was dumb and you should work in the future to not let your emotions get the better of you, but the reality is, I bet if anyone (read judge) looks at the entire chain, they will probably see two bickering kids and write it off as you both acting poorly.

Should she bring it up, you apologize to the court and to your ex and advise it won't happen again. You were upset do to the chain of topics discussed and responded in a way that was inappropriate. Don't fight the fact, just face up to it and say you will use your best efforts not let it happen again....and sound sincere.

From there, do what I do. Draft the email and save. Go out, walk the dog or whatever, then come back and re-read it and revise with a level head. Don't get dragged into responding immediately to every email. Take time, this isn't a race.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConcernenedStepMom78 View Post
Since we are on the topic of emails I have a question, while I certainly understand not replying and such, what do you do when you know an ex is truly trying to make a genuine settlement offer, even though the offer is ill thought out, do you let it go, and just continue going through the cort process or do you try again and again and agin to try and genuinely make them understand, where is the cut off line?
If they made an offer, I would respond with:

"thank you for your email of such date providing your settlement offer. In review of the offer I am in agreement with clauses A, B and C. However I am not willing to accept clause x, y, and z. I am willing to negotiate on the clauses and respectfully request the following as an alternative:

blah

Yours truely,

SuperParent"
  #8  
Old 10-07-2010, 01:23 PM
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Thanks all. I will definitely try to stop and think before sending. We tell our employees at work to do the same thing as part of our email etiquette guidelines. Count to ten before sending a heated response or replying to all etc. I guess I should practise that in my personal life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConcernenedStepMom78 View Post
Since we are on the topic of emails I have a question, while I certainly understand not replying and such, what do you do when you know an ex is truly trying to make a genuine settlement offer, even though the offer is ill thought out, do you let it go, and just continue going through the cort process or do you try again and again and agin to try and genuinely make them understand, where is the cut off line?
ConcernedSM, I have had tons of experience with this with my ex and it actually ties in to the original topic here. She would regularly email me with terms of settlement that would actually look quite attractive at first. However it was all just to engage me. I would respond in a similar way to what Hammerdad suggested and that's where the games would begin. Before I knew it, she would be changing some of the terms of her original offer and we'd be back to square one.

For you to take it seriously it must have only a few points that cannot be agreed upon initially. Fundamentally the parties should both be in agreement on the majority of terms. The rest can be ironed out and negotiated upon. Also, the minute they try to change one small thing that they themselves originaly proposed, back away immediately.

In any event, any discussions or negotiations of any kinds should be conducted with the view that the court process will continue regardless.
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Old 10-07-2010, 01:41 PM
ConcernenedStepMom78 ConcernenedStepMom78 is offline
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Kitchner my husband and I are at point of desperation trying to make her see and undestand and failing because all she can see is what she WANTSand not what the kids NEED. This woman "mom" refuses to take anyhting less than an equal split 50/50...60/40 even though she moved 100 km ...her latest offer is she gets the daughter EVERY weekend...no way is that fair...what about the daughters life with her extended family...and she makes the comment....

"When you offer me scheduals that wouldnt work around a regular work schedual, its very hard for me to find a fulltime job that would work around the schedual and would cause me to have our daughter with childcare."

I honestly think her attempts to settle are genune but I swear there has had to have been like 50 or more offers to settle since she moved. I want to curl up in a hole.
  #10  
Old 10-07-2010, 02:03 PM
HammerDad HammerDad is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ConcernenedStepMom78 View Post
"When you offer me scheduals that wouldnt work around a regular work schedual, its very hard for me to find a fulltime job that would work around the schedual and would cause me to have our daughter with childcare."
How does she think 50/50 will do anything but also create a need for her to find child care?

At some point you have to offer mediation, maybe binding arbitration and if all that fails you have no other option then court.

When she provides an unreasonable offer, you simply reply back with "I am not in agreement with your latest proposal as I don't believe it is the childs best interests to be away from her friends and local family each weekend. I am willing to discuss a schedule of every other weekend, alternating holidays and an evening throughout midweek, so as not to disrupt the childs schedule. But I am unwilling to discuss or entertain any schedule which does not provide time for weekend time with my child for me and my family and her local friends, along with any schedule which would cause her to drive any extended distances consistantly throughout the school year [this effectively shows you are unwilling to accept 50/50 due to school and best interests of the kids]."

Be clear that, while you are willing to negotiate, that you have boundaries on what is negotiable and you are basing your decisions on what you believe to be the childs best interests.
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