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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 12-09-2014, 09:51 AM
Berner_Faith Berner_Faith is offline
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Default Parenting Plan for young children

Does anyone have suggestions on parenting plans for young children? Attempting to help my cousin prepare a parenting plan for her young son (almost 3 months old)

What sort of things should be included? A little background...
  • Mom & Dad had an off and on relationship, when they found out they were expecting they attempted to make things workd
  • Young parents, both 19
  • Both moved from location to location during the pregnancy and when child was born only remained in apartment for a month and a half
  • Since leaving the apartment they lived in together, they have lived separate and apart
  • Mom is living with us and has been since end of October, where she has her own space
  • Dad is currently couch surfing between friends and family but spends more time sleeping on Grandma's couch
  • Since October Dad has seen the baby maybe half a dozen times
  • Dad has offered no financial support other than a one time payment of $200 in October when they first moved from apartment
  • Dad has threatened to take the baby and mom would not see him a day before his 18th birthday
  • Mom made it clear to Dad that the would not have a relationship outside of parenting their child
  • Dad threatened CAS this past weekend, stating he would have the baby removed from Mom's care

Dad seems to have a range of emotions, some days he seems civil and other days he flies off the handle. He told Mom today that he is moving in with his Dad and his Dad is going to help him get on his feet. He has stated that once he moves in he wants to take the baby for the day and work up to overnights. Rightfully she is concerned about this, due to him already threatening to basically abduct him. She also doesn't want to deny access to him, as that would look bad on her.

She is currently on welfare and has asked twice to speak to legal aide but has not received any calls back. She would like to start getting the ball rolling to at least show she is willing to work with him. Any suggestions?
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Old 12-09-2014, 10:47 AM
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Janibel Janibel is offline
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It's a good thing that young Dad is moving in with his own father - there aren't many 19 year olds who can survive on their own nowadays, especially with a new baby to care for ...

Let him make threats all he wants, as I said before, if it gets out of hand, you'll need a restraining order until things are settled between them.

She is on welfare and waiting for a LA lawyer to give her some guidance. I believe her best plan would be to try to find work for herself and prove to the courts that she is willing to be responsible.

Also she should look into mediation (there again LA will set this up) until then there's not a lot to be done except try to keep Dad calm.

*** perhaps invite him to your home to see his child on a regular basis - that way there's no risk of him running off with the child as per his earlier threats.

Last edited by Janibel; 12-09-2014 at 10:49 AM.
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Old 12-09-2014, 11:24 AM
dad2bandm dad2bandm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Berner_Faith View Post
...Does anyone have suggestions on parenting plans for young children? Attempting to help my cousin prepare a parenting plan for her young son (almost 3 months old)...
There was this older thread, that discussed this, and I thought it was a sticky at one point (I think someone moved the threads around):

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...3-years-11597/

...which included this reference link:

http://www.oba.org/en/pdf/sec_news_f..._You_Kraft.pdf


Quote:
Originally Posted by Berner_Faith View Post
...
Dad seems to have a range of emotions, some days he seems civil and other days he flies off the handle. He told Mom today that he is moving in...
The "backstory" of the situation you described, seems pretty typical for that type of relationship, and birth. Honestly, it's almost text-book.

It's never the situation where only one parent is behaving less than ideally. I'm sure Mom is sometimes civil and also flying off the handle on other days as well.

The Mom is typically over-protective of new child, and plays the "you'll see our child on my terms" card, and "they are too young right now" card.

The Dad is typically viewing his circumstances of being "left out" of their child's beginnings and having his rightful access to child, "controlled" by an overbearing new-mother.

Hopefully, there will be less drama, and better child-focused thinking, when a fair parenting plan is put in place for both of them.
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Old 12-09-2014, 11:47 AM
Berner_Faith Berner_Faith is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janibel View Post
It's a good thing that young Dad is moving in with his own father - there aren't many 19 year olds who can survive on their own nowadays, especially with a new baby to care for ...

Let him make threats all he wants, as I said before, if it gets out of hand, you'll need a restraining order until things are settled between them.

She is on welfare and waiting for a LA lawyer to give her some guidance. I believe her best plan would be to try to find work for herself and prove to the courts that she is willing to be responsible.

Also she should look into mediation (there again LA will set this up) until then there's not a lot to be done except try to keep Dad calm.

*** perhaps invite him to your home to see his child on a regular basis - that way there's no risk of him running off with the child as per his earlier threats.
I think its good he is moving in with his father and I hope his father can help him unfortunately I have my doubts due to the incidents that happened this past summer with his father. It was in the news, however at the time I had no idea who the guy was, but rape was involved. Hopefully he has learned from his mistakes.

The threats have not been physical to her, more so about her losing her son. We have invited him to our home twice and he was fine both times he was here, however I am not certain I want to put my family in that position if he is going to continue threatening her and calling CAS and such. I would rather him stay away from our home.

She spoke to her her case worker again today and I guess the legal worker is swamped and will contact her as soon as she can. So she still has to wait to do anything legal. As for working, she would like too and has looked a little bit, but when she asked her worker about welfare helping her find something she is capable of doing, she was told "Don't you worry about working, you have a little one to take care of". She also told her that she is exempt from the mandatory job search that most welfare recipients must do for up to 4 years. The reason I know this is because I went to her first appointment with her, where this was discussed.

Would it be beneficial for her to wait or for them to attempt to work something out in writing? I just don't know how legal it would be if they do get something in writing. I suppose they would both need ILA, but doubtful he would go for that.

There really should be a license to have children... but that's just my opinion...
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Old 12-09-2014, 11:56 AM
Berner_Faith Berner_Faith is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dad2bandm View Post
There was this older thread, that discussed this, and I thought it was a sticky at one point (I think someone moved the threads around):

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...3-years-11597/

...which included this reference link:

http://www.oba.org/en/pdf/sec_news_f..._You_Kraft.pdf




The "backstory" of the situation you described, seems pretty typical for that type of relationship, and birth. Honestly, it's almost text-book.

It's never the situation where only one parent is behaving less than ideally. I'm sure Mom is sometimes civil and also flying off the handle on other days as well.

The Mom is typically over-protective of new child, and plays the "you'll see our child on my terms" card, and "they are too young right now" card.

The Dad is typically viewing his circumstances of being "left out" of their child's beginnings and having his rightful access to child, "controlled" by an overbearing new-mother.

Hopefully, there will be less drama, and better child-focused thinking, when a fair parenting plan is put in place for both of them.
I respect your views, however I do disagree. Mom has been more than willing for Dad to spend time with the child, but he won't agree to anything in writing. He would like to pick the child up when he sees fit and drop him off whenever he wants to. He doesn't think they need a parenting plan, but when he has threatened her twice to take the child away from her and not allow her to see him again, that is cause for concern. Not to mention his constant outburst of anger.

I agree that many times new mom's are over protective and do what you described, but that isn't the case here. She wants him to see his son, but she also wants to protect her rights to her son too and not have him not return him. The issue of transportation also comes up. Neither of them drive and I am not always available to do the transportation.

Dad was supposed to pick him up last week with his mother and go to his mothers for the night. At 6:30pm she got a message saying he wasn't coming, he decided to go out with his buddies. His Mom came to our house and stayed a couple hours to visit without him.

Trust me, as a spouse to someone who only gets to see his children every other weekend (it more than sucks), I have told her many times that she needs to get use to the fact that he may end up with equal time, if he wants it. She offered him 50-50 weeks ago, but asked that he sign something saying they agree on the terms (2-2-5, pick up/drop offs, communication, etc) he flipped and said no he was not signing anything.

Her only option I feel is to continue trying to work with him until she can speak with legal aide and then let them guide her.
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Old 12-09-2014, 12:53 PM
stripes stripes is offline
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It sounds like the problem here is that you have two teenagers and a baby, rather than two adults (who might be able negotiate something between them). Sounds like both parents are exhibiting typical teenage thinking and behavior (impulsivity, mood swings, changing their mind constantly, "magical thinking", unwillingness to commit to anything ...).

If TeenDad has threatened twice to take the baby and not bring him back, I think it's justifiable to tell him that he is welcome to see the baby in a family home or access centre, but not to take the baby away. The baby is currently accessible to both parents, and this should stay that way. It sounds like TeenMom is trying to negotiate access (suggesting a reasonable parenting plan), but TeenDad isn't responding in kind. This is different from Mom refusing access.

My thought would be that Mom should continue trying to work with Dad towards an agreement, but not hold up too much hope that Dad will follow it, even if they do agree to something in writing. I suspect this is a situation in which Dad will need some pretty strong inducement to follow any agremeent (part of the teenage mentality - I can change my mind whenever I feel like it). I suspect that CAS will be involved sooner or later. These parents are going to need a lot of support. I would encourage Mom to keep pressing Legal Aid to get that assistance as soon as possible.

I agree, it's absurd that you can't adopt a pet from the Humane Society without being grilled, but anyone with the biological equipment can produce a human life (and then process to mess around with it)!
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Old 12-09-2014, 01:08 PM
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Janibel Janibel is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stripes View Post
(impulsivity, mood swings, changing their mind constantly, "magical thinking", unwillingness to commit to anything ...).
Teenage thinking you say? Oh dear, my STBX is 57 and acts like that all the time!!!
Some people never get their @@@@ together.
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Old 12-09-2014, 01:34 PM
dad2bandm dad2bandm is offline
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Quote:
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...I suspect that CAS will be involved sooner or later...
Multiple times.
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Old 12-09-2014, 01:47 PM
Berner_Faith Berner_Faith is offline
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Quote:
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Multiple times.
CAS did a visit after the birth, I think three in total and closed the file as there were no concerns. I think this is getting a little off topic and I am not about to get into an argument on it. I simply asked if anyone had any suggestions on a reasonable parenting plan for a young child not whether in your opinion mom is withholding access or is CAS should be involved.

I am fully aware CAS can show up and any time and I will gladly open my door for them. We have nothing to hide here. Mom doesn't put the baby in harms way and he is well taken care of here. I can't comment on how he would be cared for at Dad's house, or wherever he is staying today. I am hopeful that if Dad moves in with his Dad that he will grow up some and realize he needs to support his son.

I have made it clear to them both that if I suspect at all that the baby is not getting what he needs I will be the first one to call CAS. I have done so in the past with my other cousin who had a baby in a hoarding situation. Her house was filthy with animal feces and junk. She had her child removed for 2 months until she could prove her house was suitable for a child to live in. I am not above it, family or not, children need to be taken care of and their environment has to be healthy.
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Old 12-09-2014, 02:20 PM
Beachnana Beachnana is offline
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You said earlier that she ha already given the Dad an offer of a parenting plan 2:2:3 Thenmshe should resend the offer with the understanding he will be living with his father and the child will have appropriate sleeping accommodation ( does not have to be a separate room but needs crib etc) and that the child will be cared for by Dad and she will have first right of refusal.

The offer can say this will remain in effect until parties can agree to mediate and establish an official agreement. As neither are working I guess there is no point in thinking about CS. But I would think the final agreement should have a clause regarding child support should either ever get a job.

Until he agrees to sign the interim agreement she can offer him to come to her place and visit. i ould think she should set up some days and times that are fair. Then document.
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