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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #11  
Old 12-02-2014, 10:20 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Thanks Beachnana. Ive struggled this year with him. Last year he wasnt supposed to have them on Christmas so it was easier (haha) to plan for after the holidays. But this year was a slap. Hes struggling with the overall anger at him for a long list of bs but also not having a holiday. And every thing I try to do makes him sad because it either reminds him of his past or it would have been something his kids enjoyed. Im determined though! We acknowledge his sadness and work through it but also encourage new happy memories together. Hes not replacing that past, hes just adding new memories. Im hopeful they'll come around eventually. But until then, we are just working through the present.
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  #12  
Old 12-02-2014, 10:35 AM
dad2bandm dad2bandm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mcdreamy View Post
...I’ve received a pm from someone in their first few months of separation asking how the holidays should be handled when there are several family gatherings and the children (ages 10 and 12) want to be at most of them...

...Do you follow the written terms of your separation agreement strictly, or do you bend them a little to cooperate?
Christmas Day afternoon seems to be a common "exchange/switch" time.

Alternate years of Christmas Eve/Christmas Day morning with one parent, Christmas Day afternoon/evening and Boxing Day with other parent. Alternate New Years eve?

It does get tricky where "out of town" trips/driving happens. I fall into this category.

Be prepared for some Christmas/holiday traditions changing. Some new ones will have to be created, as long as its not forced onto only one parent.

Both parents should offer flexibility, but it's important to come up with a go-forward plan that is fair for both of them, to fall back to, otherwise, it tends to leave things too open each year. Having a go-foward schedule, gives them something to plan ahead for at least, and can be used to give other extended family members an idea of your parenting time. Trying to figure out each year "on the fly" will lead to a lot of arguing.

The problem will be the extended family get-togethers, and the pressure each parent gets about those. A lot of issues and conflict will be avoided, if each parent can simply say "children A and B" are with parent X then, so I'll leave it up to them, if they can attend or not, as they may have plans too.

I ran/run into some issues/conflict with the parent of one of my children, because "out of town" was involved. She figured that since most of my family was not in town, that her family Christmas get-togethers took priority. Which is why it's important to come up with an alternating schedule, to allow each parent to have their time/traditions.

Surprisingly, the holidays run smoother with the high-conflict parent of my other child, but that is because it's court enforced. (it's important to have something to fall back on).

In her case, she would not budge on her Christmas tradition (Eve). "You will never have <childA> on Christmas Eve! She belongs with me. I'm her Mom!". Ridiculous reasons for it.

Her inflexibility cost her, for years to come. Mom gets child Christmas Eve each year, but that's it. Child is with me Christmas Day morning, right through New Years, *every* year.
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  #13  
Old 12-02-2014, 10:37 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Actually, Ill add a question in here. The last email exchange saw ex tell dad she'll let him know when kids have made a decision about the holidays. That decision will more than likely be too late to change work schedule (preventing him from going and getting them or even going to them) and after seats have sold out. And ex will say "well Im not denying access, your schedule caused it". But isnt there a response on responding within a reasonable amount of time? He asked about the holidays the first week of November. Ex said they were working it out and were thinking of a certain couple of days. But theyve played this game before of saying days, he books travel/vacation then they pull the "oh sorry we decided we couldnt do those days" and then hes out work days and travel costs. How would you respond to a decision finalized a month and a half after the request when its planned specifically to sabotage any attempt at access? Keeping in mind the kids are in their fourth week of ignoring dad for "being mean to mom."
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  #14  
Old 12-02-2014, 10:41 AM
dad2bandm dad2bandm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
...The last email exchange saw ex tell dad she'll let him know when kids have made a decision about the holidays. That decision will more than likely be too late to change work schedule...
I myself, don't have an answer for you, otherwise to comment, that the children should have never been allowed into the parenting decisions, regarding access time. A bad situation.
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  #15  
Old 12-02-2014, 10:56 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Originally Posted by dad2bandm View Post
I myself, don't have an answer for you, otherwise to comment, that the children should have never been allowed into the parenting decisions, regarding access time. A bad situation.

Yep. That was exactly what I said to him. That was the biggest problem for all of it. And mom uses it to her advantage all the time.
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  #16  
Old 12-20-2014, 08:52 AM
Beachnana Beachnana is offline
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How does everyone handle 2 christmases and 2 Santas? Last year child was with ex and we celebrated Christmas before with gift exchange and a family dinner with all our favourite treats. Child went to Dads for Christmas Eve and Day so assume he did the stocking and Santa etc.

This year child is with Mom so she will do Christmas Eve, stockings, Santa gifts under the tree etc etc. But recently dad told child that Santa was coming after Christmas and he would have a stocking and santa gifts all over again. He is in effect recreating Christmas.

Its his choice if that is what he wants to do but how do you handle explaining to a child that although Santa comes once a year on Christmas Eve he is making an exception and coming again a week later!

It will not take long before the child will figure out the truth well before the age children usually believe to.

Seems kinda sad. How does others handle the situation? Is Mom wrong to suggest Santa only comes once and always knows where to find child at either parents home?
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  #17  
Old 12-20-2014, 09:28 AM
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LovingFather32 LovingFather32 is offline
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That's indeed a tough situation. D3 has sat on Santa's knee 3 times in different cities, saw him in separate parades and then gave her gifts at her playgroup.

Santa get's around.

The key is to not spoil the magic. Santa's magical. If he's seen that the child has been "extra good" this year he may make an extra stop.

Perhaps one of the elves forgot to add some toys to the bag this year so Santa had to make 2 trips.

A fun, magical imagination will solve this.
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  #18  
Old 12-20-2014, 09:38 AM
Berner_Faith Berner_Faith is offline
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Santa visits both our house and their mom's house. This year they spend Xmas eve/day with Mom and we pick them up Boxing Day. Santa still comes on Christmas eve, the presents and stockings just wait for them to come on boxing day. Santa recognizes the kids have two homes and makes sure he visits both.

S9 is at the age where he is starting to not believe in Santa, I don't know what will go on at Mom's house this year, but as far as we know D6 still believes. Honestly, "Santa" still visits my parents house and there is always a stocking and small gift waiting for everyone there (all 12 of us) Santa truly is magical
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  #19  
Old 12-20-2014, 11:02 AM
Serene Serene is offline
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It's Santa! He is magical! He flies around the world at warp speed with a harem of reindeer! He knows these kids have two homes! Santa is also very accommodating. He ensures he comes no matter what day of the year each divorced parent celebrates.

Let's not over complicate the Santa thing!
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  #20  
Old 12-20-2014, 04:26 PM
Beachnana Beachnana is offline
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Thanks. The comments are reassuring. I guess you are right lets not over complicate things, he is such a good little boy he deserves 2 Santas
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