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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 03-10-2011, 10:37 AM
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Epona Epona is offline
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Default Can anyone enlighten me?

My ex-husband is the person who initiated separation and divorce. He wasn't happy in the marriage and gave the marriage counsellor a ten page list of his grievances about me. (yeah, ten pages). He told her if she couldn't "fix me", our marriage was over. If I was unable or unwilling to correct all (the ten pages) of my faults, then the marriage was over.
The counsellors eyebrows went up and she looked at me and asked, "Have you read this?", to which I answered "Yes". "How did I feel after reading it?" "Pretty angry -- never angrier in my life. The complaints are unfair and I wondered who he was writing about."
She looked at him, "It is unreasonable to expect someone to change entirely. I haven't read this document yet, but everybody has to compromise and you won't get anywhere by blaming the other person".
So that was the beginning of the end. Oh, and I was seven months pregnant at the time.
Fast forward six months when baby is four months old -- Husband gives me his first separation agreement a few days after Christmas. I had thought things were improving between us since we'd been going to marriage counselling. Once I got over the initial shock, denial and anger, I wanted the parting to be as amicable as possible.
Over the years (nine years), it will not be. He wanted out of the marriage and he is getting what he wants, yet he is still unhappy and refuses to communicate with me about the children. He has ignored the concerns I had when the kids were smaller and I've learned to not communicate with him, except when absolutely necessary. He raises topics, I respond (dealing with just the facts) and he claims I don't respond, years after I did (I have the emails to prove that I did respond).
It's easier for me when he has a girlfriend and he went through a number of them (about five in five years), but he hasn't had a female companion for a couple of years, so now he's taking out all his bitterness on me.
He's threatened to take me to court again later this year, for nothing (I guess he's trying to think of a reason to take me to court).
He wanted the separation and divorce. He has what he wants, so why does he still try to torment me? I just don't get it. I don't lose any sleep over it, but I wish he'd just leave me alone.
Why do exes continue to be so darned difficult when they got what they wanted?
Old 03-10-2011, 11:24 AM
BitHunter BitHunter is offline
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The divorce wasn't what he wanted. He wanted a completely different you, he depicted in that 10 pages document. Nothing will change these kind of idiots and as long as we have a common child we will carry them as our crosses as long as we live.
Old 03-10-2011, 11:26 AM
mom4everthere mom4everthere is offline
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You need to look after yourself and your have been through alot of negativity. Please imagine ripping up that 10 page diatribe immediately. This nonsense is a heavy weight and a social worker, psychologist, or support group can help you. If there are threats, do not hesitate to call the police or a crisis line.
Your ex has alot of issues to work through, still.
Old 03-10-2011, 12:54 PM
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I really feel for you. It seems every time something good happens to me the ex tries to convince our oldest to leave home and live with him, or he serves me with nonsense. When he found out I was dating again he tried to get joint custody even though we lived no where near each other and I had sole for years. When he found out I was pregnant and moving to a bigger home he tried to block my move and again get custody of the kids. He accuses me of nonsense, gets called on it then changes his reasons for trying to get custody. First I was a bad mom for not taking care of their medical needs (Dr. wrote a letter stating otherwise) then it was I was neglecting their education (report cards showing their amazing grades as well as letters from their teachers calling them 'model students' and awards from school for showing 'strength of character' again showed otherwise) It drives me nuts. He keeps trying to prove I'm a bad mother when he knows it's not true and whenever he's proven wrong it's like he thinks "Hmmmm, that didn't work....let's try this!!"
Sometimes I feel like I'm in Crazytown and he's the Mayor
Old 03-10-2011, 09:49 PM
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Old 03-10-2011, 10:24 PM
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You are going to have to find a way to let go. I've just about heard every excuse for why my marriage failed. Instead of being able to say, yes it didn't work and hold on to the good memories, I am constantly reminded of the bad things
Don't let him get to you. You will move on and be happy again, if not with someone else, try doing it for your self. Nothing brings me more satisfaction then curling up with my little pumpkin and reading a bedtime story. No one will love me more than this child! Hugs and kisses, I get them from her!
Old 03-11-2011, 09:22 PM
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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."
Old 03-12-2011, 08:39 AM
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Just look at your kids for the reminder
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