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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 02-16-2019, 01:44 PM
backinthesaddle backinthesaddle is offline
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Default Father sends kids home...

Ex and I are separated for the second time. We never went to court the first time as kids are older and it wasn't a big deal for custody. Kids are under 13. However, as time went on during our separation he would come to think of himself as my babysitter and once I was off work they were mine to retrieve the minute I was done working.Even my vacation time was hijacked by him knowing and I had them. I could never make plans. If he was having a grumpy day he would tell me to come and get them. He wanted the 50/50 on paper but not actually 50/50 in reality. Second time around and we are going on week three and he has had them 2 nights. He has been unwell but not deathly ill and he has a ton of family help. My work has been affected and so has my income. He had them for a night and has now demanded i get them because something I have said has made him angry. I would never want to take kids away from a dad that wants them and to spend time with them but tossing them back and forth is not good for them. He cancel plans they have last minute all because of his anger issues. How much evidence does one need to prove that perhaps 50/50 isn't the best option if the other parent finds parenting difficult? Its all about appearances sake at this point for him. He doesn't like parenting and most was left up to me but he isn't a bad dad. Not very involved and sits on the couch most of the time but will show up at the odd hockey game to cheer his kids on. He won't even cook for them half the time. The kids refer to his repertoire of KD and Pizza Pizza as "dad meals" but often the kids are calling me complaining they haven't eaten lunch or dinner and dad hasn't gotten off the couch. I think its depression but how can I say nicely "I will take the kids until you have your mental state in check"...It isn't abuse but it isn't much fun for the kids. I would rather they have 7 good days with him than 15 horrible in month. My understanding is custody is hard to change once its court ordered or agreed to so if I agreed to 50/50 and it changes then its a hassle to get the courts to change it and not to mention paying a lawyer again. Thoughts?
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Old 02-16-2019, 02:33 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Its really not a fight for the custody part. Its a fight for full table child support. And to be honest, if you are being told to come get the kids and you have them more than 50% then he should be paying full table.

Does he acknowledge he has an issue with his health? Have you tried speaking with him about the time with the kids?

Perhaps the first step should be to discuss the time the kids spend with him without discussing money. For instance: we agreed the kids would spend equal time with both of us but it seems that there is a change in that time, how can we work together to keep the custody situation at equal time. Once you know what he is feeling you can take necessary steps.

Not every parent is going to be parent of the year but if he is struggling with depression it would have an impact on his energy and interest. Although the kids should not have to suffer as a result.
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Old 02-16-2019, 07:53 PM
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Janus Janus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by backinthesaddle View Post
If he was having a grumpy day he would tell me to come and get them.
You could have declined to take them.

Quote:
He had them for a night and has now demanded i get them because something I have said has made him angry.
"I would love to, unfortunately I am busy tonight. Our regular exchange is tomorrow at 9am, I'll see you tomorrow!"
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Old 02-16-2019, 10:21 PM
backinthesaddle backinthesaddle is offline
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Not a fan of knowing my kids will pay for his bad mood. It is mentally draining on them and they are often yelled at for the slightest reason. I would rather pick them up to avoid that drama he displays.
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Old 02-17-2019, 06:07 AM
Mom 2 Two Mom 2 Two is offline
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I like rockscan’s suggestions... what worries me is she is right. He sounds depressed. And what just happened a few nights ago with a father and a daughter? ( I know there has been no official word yet but) geeez we all need to start taking mental health issues more serious when there are warning signs right in front of our eyes.

I agree Janus... mom could have not taken the kids back when dad demanded. But that is not the solution?

How could a mother say no they can’t come home when clearly the dad is struggling... he may not be telling her the real reason... and yes using dumb excuses to send the kids back... but something is not right or at least needs to be looked into as to why he continues to do this???

Imagine if mom said no... and we had another instance of the other night.

I feel your pain backinthesattle... my ex isn’t sending the kids home... he is asking for more time and he and his partner clearly can’t handle it.. the kids come home so upset with the way they are treated.. being pinched where it leaves marks for Discipline ...
Dad and gf arguing and gf taking off with her kids when my kids show up...
being denied consent with no explanation to play a sport they have played for the past 4 years which dad has always supported and paid half for.

Anyways... document all these things that are occurring and seek legal advice and the help of a therapist so your children can recognize the warning signs of dad possibly being a threat. Or even just coping skills to deal with how dad treats them.

Sorry your kids have to go through this.


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Old 02-19-2019, 10:45 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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What are the kids reactions? You mentioned your ex calls and asks you to come- but what about the kids?

I don't know a lot about your history with your ex- are you guys civil? friendly? could you have a talk with him- maybe someone just needs to ask him if he's struggling.

I know a lot of us get into this mentality of 'why should I help that so-and-so?" - but at the end of the day- it's about helping your kids relationship with their dad. And if you have 50/50- that's a hella significant relationship.
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Old 02-19-2019, 02:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
I know a lot of us get into this mentality of 'why should I help that so-and-so?"
When I tell a parent not to pick up their kid, it is not to screw the other parent, it is to allow the other parent the space to create their own relationship with the child.

Sometimes, some warts are involved.
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