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  #21  
Old 09-04-2018, 09:39 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UncertainT View Post
Yeah, it’s not just about the sex. There is a much longer list... She makes unilateral decisions regarding our kids and finances without talking to me, super controlling. She undermines me and my authority in front of our kids. Frankly, she has a tendency to be just plain mean and nasty.

Prepare for it to get really nasty then. Partners who treat their spouse like this behind closed doors arent afraid to let it out in the open. They will tell anyone who will listen what a heartless bastard you are. Besides doing what Janus said, prepare for a battle. Keep 50/50 from the start. Do not allow her to do anything that will remove the kids from your life. Get ready for really horrible things to be said about you and any nasty trick possible to be done. Think changing the locks, running with the kids, packing up your stuff and getting rid of it. All of those things are possible.
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  #22  
Old 09-04-2018, 10:11 AM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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Just to add a bit to Janus's advice:

Make sure you are on any and all email list for the schools.
Attend all parent teacher meetings and school events.
Use your now free Friday's to volunteer at the school.
Depending on the activities your children do, sign up to be coach, assistant or get involved in any fundraising or volunteer efforts.

Start building a support network of helpers. i.e. grandparents, aunts & uncles, even a Nanny that can pinch hit for you on the days your working and a sick child needs to come home from school. Or there are any issues with your Autistic child making it through the school day.

And whatever you decide to do, keep any future relationships quiet and very discrete and only when your off parenting duty on her time. Keep them outta your children's lives until this is completely over and done with, which could take a few years.
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  #23  
Old 09-04-2018, 05:42 PM
UncertainT UncertainT is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
Prepare for it to get really nasty then. Partners who treat their spouse like this behind closed doors arent afraid to let it out in the open. They will tell anyone who will listen what a heartless bastard you are. Besides doing what Janus said, prepare for a battle. Keep 50/50 from the start. Do not allow her to do anything that will remove the kids from your life. Get ready for really horrible things to be said about you and any nasty trick possible to be done. Think changing the locks, running with the kids, packing up your stuff and getting rid of it. All of those things are possible.
Research would suggest that the way women engage in aggressive behavior is not violence, but rather reputation destruction and false innuendo. Your advice is heard loud and clear.

But I would ask of anyone reading... how does one prepare for a battle of this nature? I'm beginning to understand the practical aspect... maximizing time with the kids and getting my ducks in a row for 50/50 custody. But how does one prepare for slander and such dirty tricks??

Of particular note is the false allegations of abuse. I've never hit my kids, but I've noticed recently my wife insinuating that any form of discipline on my part is tantamount to abuse (putting kids in time out, separating them if they are fighting... ) Its a real problem.
How have people dealt with this?
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  #24  
Old 09-04-2018, 06:44 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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My partners ex launched a campaign of slander against him after his separation. In hindsight he admits all of his should haves so I give them to you now:

1. Dont give up any time with the kids. If she wants them extra you switch time.
2. Be present in your community and stay there. Sports, school, church, dance, events etc. let people see you being super dad.
3. Dont play nice if you think she has changed or is being kind or trying etc. This is war and she will stab you in the back at every opportunity.
4. Be assertive not agressive. Learn these phrases—Its unfortunate you believe this to be true; Its not helpful to the children to do x; I am fully capable of xyz; thank you for your input etc.
5. Go for counseling and parenting classes.

Most of all though, dont engage. If she gets ugly, your response is “its unfortunate you are choosing to do this” and walk away.
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  #25  
Old 09-05-2018, 12:20 AM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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False allegations of abuse are rampant in the Family Court Stystem, and unless there is a conviction or concern to CAS, they go ignored.

Discipline was a nightmare in my home even when we were together, I played the wait till you Father Comes Home Card (it doesnt work). Then a complete disaster when we separated into 2 homes with 2 different parenting styles and sets of rules. I understand its possible for the majority of children, but my kids just acted out more. We are now in a program together, where through counselling and social workers are working towards a more mirrored home life between us. Easier said then done, but I would be working on a plan with your wife now on your family rules and consequences, that could be carried over should their be 2 homes. Perhaps the children are picking up on some tension in your home between their parents?

I also think the parent that stays in the matrimonial home has the upper hand when it comes to the kids, because that is what they know as home, and in turmoil they tend to retreat to that comfort.
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  #26  
Old 09-05-2018, 11:19 PM
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Janus Janus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UncertainT View Post
Of particular note is the false allegations of abuse. I've never hit my kids, but I've noticed recently my wife insinuating that any form of discipline on my part is tantamount to abuse (putting kids in time out, separating them if they are fighting... ) Its a real problem.
How have people dealt with this?
This is a very dangerous position. A false allegation of abuse can see you kicked out of the house and being kept away from your kids for months.

Advice:

1. Nothing physical ever. Do not hold her arm. Do not close a door quickly. Do not wave fingers in her face. Do not even stand in her way ever. The most innocuous physical action can be construed as abuse. You might be exonerated a year later, but by then you have already lost. You cannot have any physical contact with her during even a low level altercation. If she hits you, consider calling the police immediately.

2. Consider getting a voice recorder. You are playing the long game here so that might be tough to keep up for a year. When couples are active adversaries, they have few interactions so it is easy to record everything. At the very least, if things are getting heated, you can start recording. It might save you when the police come knocking on the door.

3. Community involvement. Show that you are a patient, caring, even-tempered person in the community. Make it so that the idea that you might ever lose your temper is ridiculous. Never yell at your kid in public, for any reason.
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