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  • #16
    Originally posted by Beachnana View Post
    He is playing a game here. Its all about money. I know its hard to be owed money that you might need. But why don't you register the arrears with FRO and in due time they will handle it. Then send an email reminding him of your current agreement and his access rights and welcome him to exercise the rights at his convenience and then ignore him. Get on with your life. Fill your daughters life with live, fun and attention. When she asks about Dad you will need to sit her down and try to explain that in his own way Dad loves her but at this time he does not seem able to come,and visit. Make sure you tell her its not her fault its just the ways things are. The decisions you make joint are minimal. If you want her to go to counselling you can arrange that with out his help.
    FRO won't process the arrears because I have that vague agreement that allows the payor to veto any expenses by virtue of not consenting. And, the agreement also has proportionate share verbiage, which FRO won't enforce. The support arrears require a new agreement to enforce.

    I've tried sitting the child down, etc. But, unfortunately, dad told the child that it is HER fault that he won't be seeing her. And, just over a year after that, he left the country.

    When she asks "Why doesn't daddy love me?" my heart breaks in half and I give all the BS that daddy loves you in his own way, yadda yadda yadda.

    I can't arrange counselling without his consent. I've tried. It cannot be done without consent.

    In 2012 I forgave $10000 in arrears with a new agreement. Now he'd like the arrears forgiven since that agreement was made. All the things he agreed to in 2012 he has completely ignored since he made the agreement.

    Comment


    • #17
      Originally posted by FB_ View Post
      The question is are you willing to go to court over this?

      He would have a chance because he can still make decisions regarding the well being of his children even if he can't see them.

      If you agree to joint custody what leverage does he have in regards to S7 and arrears.

      He will be ordered to pay those things if you go to court. Why not let those be the only issues.

      In regards to the medical requests you need to write them differently

      In your emails state the issue. State the solution. State that if you don't hear from him by xxx date that you will consider that his consent.

      You CANNOT force someone to be a good dad. I'm sure this upsets both you and your child but what do you expect? You cannot even get him court ordered to see his child. All you can do is be open to it which you seem to be. What harm does agreeing to "Access per childs wishes do" Even if he accepts that and the child wishes you still can't force him to see the kids.

      Can you give an example of one of the medical issues he ignores.
      He has joint custody now. Always has done. He took me to court to get more access. Then within two weeks, decided he didn't want ANY access.

      He has all the leverage with regard to S7 - just like he does now. He won't agree to pay for anything - he won't agree to even pay the CS owed because of income increases.

      I can't force him to be a good dad - but, why the recommendation to have joint custody remain if he can't be bothered to see the child?

      Why not give me and the child some peace and just sever the relationship so he can ignore her as he wishes?

      I have sent several offers to settle which he just ignores. He has selected trial - and according to his lawyer's words in the last SC, he will be challenging my access/custody request (via phone of course) unless I accept his offer of ZERO arrears for sole custody.

      Comment


      • #18
        This is getting a little convoluted for me to follow, so I'm breaking it down for my benefit (and others').

        In 2012, he took you to court, insisting on joint custody and regular access, and demanding forgiveness of CS arrears. This was all granted to him.

        He did not exercise his fought-for access at all for a year, then left the country.

        Since that time, he has exercised zero access, despite your attempts to facilitate it, not even phone calls. He blames lack of funds, despite the fact that it was his choice to move further away, despite his non-payment of CS, and despite your offers to financially assist.

        He has paid zero CS, accumulating new arrears.

        He has been uncooperative with regards to joint decision-making, which has prevented the child from accessing needed counselling and medical/dental treatment and from having opportunities to travel.

        Now, a court process has again been initiated (by you?), at which he intends to demand that the new CS arrears be forgiven and that joint custody be maintained. You intend to have CS enforced (as best it can, internationally), and ask that you be given sole custody.


        As always, it is going to boil down to who can present the judge with the best case. To bolster your case that he is too uncooperative for joint custody and that he has no reason to have CS reduced for access costs as he doesn't exercise access, you need documentation that proves his unreasonableness, such as
        • documentation about the child's suffering due to her father ignoring her
        • letters from psychological counsellor saying they can't see the child without her father's consent
        • letters from the othodontist saying they won't treat the child without her father's consent
        • emails where he refuses to sign the child's passport application
        • emails where he is offered access and refuses to exercise it
        • emails where he refuses to pay CS
        • etc, etc
        • if you haven't got emails from him with explicit refusals, use your email chain of your requests repeatedly going unacknowledged
        You are basically presenting to the judge a situation where the 2012 decision hasn't worked out as foreseen, and needs to be modified to suit the situation that has actually developed. His departure from the county is a material change in circumstances, as is refusal to cooperate with decision-making.

        For every argument he presents that the 2012 decision be maintained, you have to present a counter-argument that he has not exercised the opportunities the 2012 decision contained.

        For example, he wants access to be as the child wishes. Well, the child wishes to receive phone calls and visits, and he has chosen not to do so for two years now. Prepare documents for every refusal! For example, he wanted joint custody, but has ignored all your attempts to communicate about necessary decisions, to the detriment of the child. Have documents proving the fallout from this lack of decision-making.

        Originally posted by MS Mom View Post
        I have sent several offers to settle which he just ignores. He has selected trial - and according to his lawyer's words in the last SC, he will be challenging my access/custody request (via phone of course) unless I accept his offer of ZERO arrears for sole custody.
        So you take this to the judge and say that this was done in 2012 and it DID NOT WORK. Something different needs to happen this time.

        I am not sure what you are asking from us, to be honest. Of course he sounds like a deadbeat when you explain his actions, so of course we're going to agree that he is unreasonable. Are you just venting?
        Last edited by Rioe; 06-18-2014, 12:59 PM.

        Comment


        • #19
          Originally posted by Rioe View Post
          This is getting a little convoluted for me to follow, so I'm breaking it down for my benefit (and others').

          In 2012, he took you to court, insisting on joint custody and regular access, and demanding forgiveness of CS arrears. This was all granted to him.

          He did not exercise his fought-for access at all for a year, then left the country.

          Since that time, he has exercised zero access, despite your attempts to facilitate it, not even phone calls. He blames lack of funds, despite the fact that it was his choice to move further away, despite his non-payment of CS, and despite your offers to financially assist.

          He has paid zero CS, accumulating new arrears.

          He has been uncooperative with regards to joint decision-making, which has prevented the child from accessing needed counselling and medical/dental treatment and from having opportunities to travel.

          Now, a court process has again been initiated (by you?), at which he intends to demand that the new CS arrears be forgiven and that joint custody be maintained. You intend to have CS enforced (as best it can, internationally), and ask that you be given sole custody.



          As always, it is going to boil down to who can present the judge with the best case. To bolster your case that he is too uncooperative for joint custody and that he has no reason to have CS reduced for access costs as he doesn't exercise access, you need documentation that proves his unreasonableness, such as
          • documentation about the child's suffering due to her father ignoring her
          • letters from psychological counsellor saying they can't see the child without her father's consent
          • letters from the othodontist saying they won't treat the child without her father's consent
          • emails where he refuses to sign the child's passport application
          • emails where he is offered access and refuses to exercise it
          • emails where he refuses to pay CS
          • etc, etc
          • if you haven't got emails from him with explicit refusals, use your email chain of your requests repeatedly going unacknowledged
          You are basically presenting to the judge a situation where the 2012 decision hasn't worked out as foreseen, and needs to be modified to suit the situation that has actually developed. His departure from the county is a material change in circumstances, as is refusal to cooperate with decision-making.

          For every argument he presents that the 2012 decision be maintained, you have to present a counter-argument that he has not exercised the opportunities the 2012 decision contained.

          For example, he wants access to be as the child wishes. Well, the child wishes to receive phone calls and visits, and he has chosen not to do so for two years now. Prepare documents for every refusal! For example, he wanted joint custody, but has ignored all your attempts to communicate about necessary decisions, to the detriment of the child. Have documents proving the fallout from this lack of decision-making.



          So you take this to the judge and say that this was done in 2012 and it DID NOT WORK. Something different needs to happen this time.

          I am not sure what you are asking from us, to be honest. Of course he sounds like a deadbeat when you explain his actions, so of course we're going to agree that he is unreasonable. Are you just venting?
          You've hit the nail pretty much on the head - with the exception of CS being paid. He does pay CS now, but not what it should be. Despite S7 being in the 2012 agreement, he does not pay.

          Counselling can't happen due to the consent. Dental hasn't been a problem - with the exception of the insurances he is supposed to provide (yet doesn't).

          I'm trying to forsee the unforseen in a way. I'm looking through all my documentation trying to think of how a judge would view this, since the next step is trial. I'm trying to figure out if custody is even an issue at this point. I'm probably feeling intimidated by it all since he's represented by a lawyer and I'm not. I have this (maybe idiotic??) idea that he must have something to weigh all of this on, otherwise why wouldn't he cut his losses and move on in life? Why wouldn't the lawyer advise the same?

          Comment


          • #20
            Originally posted by MS Mom View Post
            I have this (maybe idiotic??) idea that he must have something to weigh all of this on, otherwise why wouldn't he cut his losses and move on in life? Why wouldn't the lawyer advise the same?
            For your ex, it could be the simple reason that he has more money than sense. Maybe he finds it worth it to enjoy annoy you. Because he's a big jerk. Etc.

            The lawyer proceeds because that's what he's being paid to do. He might even be advising your ex to cut his losses and move on, but if your ex is still willing to pursue it, the lawyer will still be willing to keep billing him.

            If your ex does have super-sekrit info to hang the case on, they'll have to disclose it to you ahead of time, so you can decide how to proceed once you receive it. Don't stress out worrying about it in advance.

            Comment


            • #21
              OMG! Loser much??

              He has no intention of being an involved father.

              That being said, if you are in contact with your daughter's half-sibling, I suggest you do everything in your power to ensure that the two of them have the best relationship possible. Don't, either of you, count on their father. He doesn't seem like he'll ever be worth it until later in life when he'll "reach out in his golden years to try and reconnect with them." At that point, it will be the half-siblings' choice.

              Legally, declining opportunities for access and then demanding "joint" after he moved to another country... I really don't think he has a leg to stand on.

              1) he chose to relocate out of country
              2) he has declined opportunities to see his children
              3) you seem to be in contact with the mother of your daughter's half-sibling

              Action speak louder than words. Get smart. Do what your kid needs first. If your kid can't connect to her father, then she certainly can connect to another being that shares the same blood line. Explain. Get them both into counselling (with the other mother's cooperation if you can). There are lots of free programs out there but know that there are waiting lists. CAMH, Hincks Dellcrest, Family Services, Barbra Schlifer, Yellow Brick House, Elizabeth Fry Society, etc. There are tonnes of programs out there for kids. Free. Wait it out. Connect the kids as much as you can.

              The legal stuff.. "whatever"

              Comment


              • #22
                Originally posted by Rioe View Post
                For your ex, it could be the simple reason that he has more money than sense. Maybe he finds it worth it to enjoy annoy you. Because he's a big jerk. Etc.

                The lawyer proceeds because that's what he's being paid to do. He might even be advising your ex to cut his losses and move on, but if your ex is still willing to pursue it, the lawyer will still be willing to keep billing him.

                If your ex does have super-sekrit info to hang the case on, they'll have to disclose it to you ahead of time, so you can decide how to proceed once you receive it. Don't stress out worrying about it in advance.
                There is no super secret information to be had I think. As for more money than sense, well, that may be the case. But his claims to be flat broke are the reasons I've made the offer to fly him here to see the children, and it is disturbing that he doesn't have money for a flight, but seems to have unlimited funds for a lawyer.

                I don't think of a lawyer as an extention of the client, but rather someone to guide and counsel the client. But, I suppose, it's just money to the lawyer. I just don't understand why a lawyer would guide a client down a losing path, which is why I thought he must have something up his sleeve, or his requests were somehow reasonable.

                Why does this feel like a game of survivor?? Outlast, outwit, outplay.

                Comment


                • #23
                  Originally posted by MommyTime View Post
                  OMG! Loser much??

                  He has no intention of being an involved father.

                  That being said, if you are in contact with your daughter's half-sibling, I suggest you do everything in your power to ensure that the two of them have the best relationship possible. Don't, either of you, count on their father. He doesn't seem like he'll ever be worth it until later in life when he'll "reach out in his golden years to try and reconnect with them." At that point, it will be the half-siblings' choice.

                  Legally, declining opportunities for access and then demanding "joint" after he moved to another country... I really don't think he has a leg to stand on.

                  1) he chose to relocate out of country
                  2) he has declined opportunities to see his children
                  3) you seem to be in contact with the mother of your daughter's half-sibling

                  Action speak louder than words. Get smart. Do what your kid needs first. If your kid can't connect to her father, then she certainly can connect to another being that shares the same blood line. Explain. Get them both into counselling (with the other mother's cooperation if you can). There are lots of free programs out there but know that there are waiting lists. CAMH, Hincks Dellcrest, Family Services, Barbra Schlifer, Yellow Brick House, Elizabeth Fry Society, etc. There are tonnes of programs out there for kids. Free. Wait it out. Connect the kids as much as you can.

                  The legal stuff.. "whatever"
                  The girls are very close and always have been. Despite a large age difference, they see each other frequently. We've become "aunts" to each other's daughter. There's frequent sleepovers, visits at Christmas, we attend each other's "special events". I have actually probably spent as much, if not more, time with his other daughter than he has.

                  Dad doesn't see the benefit in the relationship between the girls. In fact, he uses this as evidence of us ganging up on him. As for counseling - not possible until I have sole custody or she reaches the age where counseling can be sought by her without any parental consent.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Im in a similar situation. There will come a time when your daughter stops asking to see him. I was actually awarded sole custody/no access except for phone or email.
                    I would ask for sole however I would not let that be the only reason to go to court, not really worth it.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      If your daughter has any other issue, at school with friends while she's pining away for her father, then let the reason to get her into counselling, being that she's having issues at school / self esteem be the issue to propose to your X. If he does not consent, in the interests of the child, take him to court.

                      At the end of the day, you'll get the counselling on consent or court order, despite "any" allegation he's made.

                      Keep in mind, anything about the situation between you and your X will be revealed in her sessions. Just be prepared that it's not necessarily going to be "peaches and cream" for you either. Your daughter's admissions in her counselling will reveal the BOTH of you. Nobody's going to walk out of anything completely "stellar."

                      At the end of the day, your child needs counselling, based on your post.

                      Do know that counselling is apart from having "psychological" problems. She is likely not "sick" but may require some support for her own self.

                      If you recognize this, it's a major plus in court.

                      Read. Research online. There's tonnes of stuff on this topic that you can learn from for the benefit of your child. Then proceed. For her FIRST and then secondary in your sole custodial wish.

                      Whatever transpires in your daughter's sessions will indeed become the result of whether you will have joint or sole. Professional testimonies far outweigh the personal ones.

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Originally posted by MommyTime View Post
                        If your daughter has any other issue, at school with friends while she's pining away for her father, then let the reason to get her into concealing be that she's having issues at school / self esteem be the issue to propose. If he does not consent, in the interests of the child, take hime to court.

                        At the end of the day, you'll get the counselling on consent, despite "any" allegation. And anything about the situation between you and your X will be revealed. Just be prepared that it's not necessarily going to be "peaches and cream" for you either. Your daughter's admissions in her counselling will reveal the BOTH of you. Nobody's going to walk out of anything completely "stellar."

                        At the end of the day, your child needs counselling. Do know that counselling is apart from having "psychological" problems. She is likely not "sick" but may require some support for her own self.

                        If you recognize this, it's a major plus in court.
                        I filed a motion in August 2013 specifically to deal with these issues. It's now June 2014 and we aren't at trial until next month. Filing motions does nothing fast at all. Every conference has centered around money, despite access/custody being the bigger issues.

                        The counseling thing is a problem at the moment. In his documents he suggests the child needs counseling yet when asked he refuses to respond to me or the service provider.

                        I've requested sole custody specifically because of the non-cooperation, not really anything to do with the distance he put between himself and the child. Putting things in an agreement has really never had any impact on him, he just doesn't care about what's in the agreement (except for the consent on S7 expenses).

                        Despite two previous agreements and plenty of attempts, cooperation isn't forthcoming from him. Since the court can't order him to be cooperative, can it really order continued joint custody knowing there is zero cooperation?

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Originally posted by MS Mom View Post
                          I filed a motion in August 2013 specifically to deal with these issues. It's now June 2014 and we aren't at trial until next month. Filing motions does nothing fast at all. Every conference has centered around money, despite access/custody being the bigger issues.

                          The counseling thing is a problem at the moment. In his documents he suggests the child needs counseling yet when asked he refuses to respond to me or the service provider.

                          I've requested sole custody specifically because of the non-cooperation, not really anything to do with the distance he put between himself and the child. Putting things in an agreement has really never had any impact on him, he just doesn't care about what's in the agreement (except for the consent on S7 expenses).

                          Despite two previous agreements and plenty of attempts, cooperation isn't forthcoming from him. Since the court can't order him to be cooperative, can it really order continued joint custody knowing there is zero cooperation?
                          Not sure if you have sole, but if you're going to be the best "mom" in the world, then I suggest that you present yourself as such, and then (for GAWD's sakes!) follow through!

                          Ladies and gentlemen, a court battle is INDEED about the KIDS. Put them first. If the court doesn't order anything on your presentations about your kids, it's because you are truly not doing all you can for your kids. It's as simple as that.

                          Look into yourselves, your hearts, and ask yourselves, "Is this truly what I want for my kid(s)?" or am I too compromising them "emotionally" while the X is taking a stab at me "financially".

                          Honestly, just think about the kids. Get counselling yourselves. LEARN.

                          The next generation, already f'd up, is what matters when we will be old, crippled, and dependant. These kids today need everything that they can get through "divorce" or simply "separation."

                          Make a choice.

                          DO NOT use your ex as an interac machine and withhold their child. It just hurts the child. Do you want that hurt child to become Premier or Prime Minister in the future? What a scary thought... C'mon...

                          We've all been had BY OUR OWN PERSPECTIVES and how successful we become in FAMILY COURT. It's, at the end of the day, got NOTHING to do with how the child(ten) feel.

                          So address the children first. Get them into concealing immediately. Take all steps necessary to ensure it.

                          Whatever surfaces "could" have HUGE implications against you. Still, whether you're the parent or the "ex" (gasp!), seek to participate and LEARN. FOR the child(ten).

                          The truth does indeed come out.

                          I personally have to believe that.

                          Legal stuff has nothing to do with being a parent. Ploys for legal maneuvers have nothing to do with being a good parent. Watch your own actions and monitor those from the other side.

                          THE KIDS COME FIRST.

                          Okay, I'm done.

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Well, he finally responded. I paste this from his email:

                            As the thought is nice, it still does not help me pay for the flight. I still do not have the money in advance. Also my wife and I travel together when we are on vacation. So where I go she goes and visa versa

                            I guess offering to pay him back for the flight isn't good enough.

                            And apparently asking his parents to pick him up at the airport is unreasonable, as is him renting a car for the time he is here. Limousine service needed? Few other excuses, none valid.
                            Last edited by MS Mom; 06-18-2014, 08:31 PM.

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Benefit of the doubt.. The OP will be the only one that knows what his financial restrictions have been, and what his "under-employment" has been. Let's be clear.

                              Logical steps, two-fold:

                              1) he's pulling you fast for it and makes you grovel because there's a financial component (fist instinct by most); or,

                              2) is there a possibility that something else "financial" that can be arranged IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILD??

                              Either way, there's always going to be two sides, no matter how it is presented not this board.

                              KIDS come first. Parents? Second. HE/SHE is no different than the SHE/HE.

                              Everybody has a "side."

                              When it's learned that the CHILD(ten) have the FOREMOST side, that's when parents "check in" -- and then let go, forget, or forgive.

                              The Legal system is about figuring out if you will forgive, forget, or let go of your X.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Originally posted by MommyTime View Post
                                Benefit of the doubt.. The OP will be the only one that knows what his financial restrictions have been, and what his "under-employment" has been. Let's be clear.

                                Logical steps, two-fold:

                                1) he's pulling you fast for it and makes you grovel because there's a financial component (fist instinct by most); or,

                                2) is there a possibility that something else "financial" that can be arranged IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILD??

                                Either way, there's always going to be two sides, no matter how it is presented not this board.

                                KIDS come first. Parents? Second. HE/SHE is no different than the SHE/HE.

                                Everybody has a "side."

                                When it's learned that the CHILD(ten) have the FOREMOST side, that's when parents "check in" -- and then let go, forget, or forgive.

                                The Legal system is about figuring out if you will forgive, forget, or let go of your X.
                                He makes approximately twice as much as I do. He has equity in his home, investments - all of which I do not have. His wife doesn't work - by choice. They don't have children together, she has two grown and married off children from a previous marriage. Where he moved to is her hometown. After several years of trying to get landed status in Canada, she was denied and they had to leave. He didn't move for employment reasons.

                                He has no valid financial excuse for needing my money to facilitate access. But, that was the excuse, so I took it away and offered to pay.

                                I have to hold tough. I have to end the roller coaster that is joint custody for me. I'm just anxious about it all. Nerves are in overdrive. I'm self-repped, he has a lawyer. He doesn't actually show up to court - he phones in. So, I don't have the advantage of seeing him in person, questioning him in person - so I'll miss all the non-verbal cues I've come to learn over the years. I'm kinda a nervous wreck as I complete my documents.

                                Comment

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