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  • Life after Divorce

    Hello,
    How do you keep your spirits up or maintain a positive attitude after divorce? It gets very depressing at times to realize that with the legal costs, child support, post secondary costs, kids expenses etc. my financial situation is not great. I'll probably never go on a vacation. My furniture is worn out and I don't foresee a time that I can afford to replace it. I have to save up for several months to buy new sheets for the bed. I'll never pay off my mortgage and will probably have to sell the house before I retire. After that I have no idea where I'll live, maybe I can rent a bed sitting room?
    I know there are people worse off, at least I have a house and see my children regularly. But it's pretty discouraging. How do you all deal with this long term?

  • #2
    My husband moved back in with his parents and when the finances cleared bought a house. He slept in a twin bed for two years and had little to no furniture. He didn’t vacation and spent most of his money trying to buy his kids’ love (to no avail). He would go out in the evenings to ride his bike, sit in a park or sometimes sit on a patio nursing a drink. He joined a gym and worked out daily to get back in shape and be healthy. He said he was lonely and felt very defeated but he kept on moving forward. He made a number of news friends and slowly built his confidence back up. It was through one of those friends that we met and since then we have built a life together, gone on a few vacations and are happy.

    You WILL get through this. It may seem difficult now but things will get better. See if there are fun free activities in your city. Make friends at work. Take up a hobby or try something you couldn’t do while married. Get yourself healthy emotionally and physically. You are fortunate that you get to see your child on a regular basis and that will help. One step at a time. Breathe in and out.

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    • #3
      It sounds like the finances are really stressing you out (no judgement, they stress ALL of us out). If you have an employer, see if they offer you an EAP. That would give you free access to a financial advisor who can help you set realistic and achievable goals. And yes, the post-secondary costs can seem daunting, but there WILL be a point where the kids are independent adults. My own parents lived paycheque to paycheque until the last of the kids graduated - then they suddenly were able to pay off the mortgage at an accelerated rate and retire much earlier than they thought.

      If you have made it through the Family Law system with your sanity intact, you can make it through this as well.

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      • #4
        When I’m feeling down I remind myself that we now live far enough away that we don’t have to worry about him hiding in the bushes, stalking us, showing up unannounced at my work, threatening the kid’s teachers, threatening the kids or my extended family members, calling the CAS for shits and giggles, harassing us or setting fire to our personal possessions.

        When I read a newspaper article about somebody murdered by a person in a psychotic rage, I count my blessings that we live far enough away and that he does not have our address so it would be very difficult to get to us now and make good on his past threats. I’m still alive and so are the kids and I am so very grateful for that. We have all gone to counselling. The kids have had almost no contact with him for several years now (his choice, not mine) and they are finally starting to heal.

        There are residual scars however. The kids all refuse to eat salads now because he would force them to eat salad before every meal. Sometimes he would fly into a rage if they refused and throw their main course of dinner on the lawn ( to teach them a lesson). They also won’t eat ribs because their dad used to make that all the time.

        My oldest is an young adult now and has to sleep with the tv on because he was so used to staying up at night in case his dad lost it and he had to physically fight him. In his mind, it was his job to protect me and his younger siblings from his dad when he got to be a teenager and grew larger and heavier than his dad.

        Things have settled considerably but we live far far away and still do not let our guard down. Our matter is still not resolved and I try not to worry about how my ex will react when he realizes there are consequences for his bad faith.

        I too joined a gym, got new hobbies and made new friends. That also helped
        Last edited by Stillbreathing; 08-14-2020, 06:11 PM.

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        • #5
          I've been divorced for 10 or 12 years, something like that. I have made new single friends, which has helped. They want to go out for lunch, get pedicures, they invite me on singles trips. I'd love to do those things but can't. Luckily we can get together at each other's houses, go for walks, free concerts etc. Rockscan, I admire people who remarry. It takes a lot of courage after going through divorce to marry again. I'm glad you and your husband are happy :-) I've dated some really nice men, it didn't lead to living together or getting married. I'm mid 50s and facing the reality that it's very unlikely I will remarry. I have 12 years of working and a 20 year mortgage. Maybe it's possible to pay it off when the kids are independent.
          Thanks for the good suggestions here. I do have a pretty good job with EAP and never thought of asking about financial counselling. That is a good idea! My finances are really stressing me out. I had to start paying offset child support somewhat recently and to find the money, I cut expenses. I had a huge car repair bill recently, my house needs repairs and I'm looking at the list of back to school stuff my child needs. My ex will not pay a cent towards coat, shoes, boots etc. It's all on me and gets overwhelming. I have so little cash flow... The only thing left to cut is colouring my hair. If I stop doing that there is the possibility of losing my job as women with grey hair are viewed as "ready to retire soon" in my workplace. I hope to work until 67. I could exercise more, that would help my state of mind and confidence. Sorry to sound whiny. More suggestions are welcome :-)

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          • #6
            Is there a way to downsize your house? My husbands ex bitched about her high mortgage and all of the money she paid for that but in reality she insisted on staying in the matrimonial home rather than selling and downsizing. Ditto for us when my parents split.

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            • #7
              I live in a bungalow, it's 1050 square feet. I could sell it and rent an apartment. My son is in high school, my goal was to stay in the house until he graduated. Maybe I can hang on for 2 more years for that.

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              • #8
                Things will get better. Your child will grow out of support and you will have some financial freedom.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by LovetoDance View Post
                  Hello,
                  How do you keep your spirits up or maintain a positive attitude after divorce? It gets very depressing at times to realize that with the legal costs, child support, post secondary costs, kids expenses etc. my financial situation is not great. I'll probably never go on a vacation. My furniture is worn out and I don't foresee a time that I can afford to replace it. I have to save up for several months to buy new sheets for the bed. I'll never pay off my mortgage and will probably have to sell the house before I retire. After that I have no idea where I'll live, maybe I can rent a bed sitting room?
                  I know there are people worse off, at least I have a house and see my children regularly. But it's pretty discouraging. How do you all deal with this long term?
                  Focus on mediation, eating healthy, and exercising.

                  Comment

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