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Legalities of School Pick Ups

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  • #16
    Then he needs to be vigilant on it. He needs to assume she is playing a game and not trust her. She can be nice but don’t buy it.

    Do what HammerDad said. He has good advice.

    You may also want to (if you have time) search Dadx5 on this forum. His ex played similar games and after several years he gained full custody. In some cases, judges need to be shown how challenging it is to deal with this situation. This ex is being unreasonable and its not fair to the child.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by Selfrepmom View Post
      This is the problem. My spouse hates confrontation and gets major anxiety even thinking about these issues. I don’t think standing at the school at 5pm while mom picks up is the way to go.
      Yes, well sometimes in life you just have to have a spine. I would totally do it.

      This seems to be the cycle. She does/says/demands something that is totally out of line, and keeps doing said thing. Finally he will get fed up and make a stand. She knows that she has no right to do what she’s doing and will give in and begin being super nice. Pulls him into false sense of security that “everything has changed”. Then starts the beginning of the cycle all over again with something new.
      Ah yes... [sigh], jerked around guy syndrome: battered wife syndrome's ugly cousin. It happens time and time again. Very sad.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by Selfrepmom View Post
        This is the problem. My spouse hates confrontation and gets major anxiety even thinking about these issues. I don’t think standing at the school at 5pm while mom picks up is the way to go.
        I agree. I would be the same way. My example- my ex basically brow beat the administrator of my daughter's preschool to accept the s.7 split him and his lawyer made up (totally erroneous). I asked her to keep the payments the same (with me paying 100%) until such time as we had an agreement on it- and we both had legal counsel and we would address it there. Ex told her- "No. Charge me X. Charge mom Y". There was some back and forth- I wrote him separately on OFW saying "please let's deal with this ourselves and not involve D2's school- it looks poor on us as parents". He said "nope. my lawyer said do it like that- so we're going to."

        I had to change tactics because my concern was not winning. Rather it was not looking like the psycho parent arguing with their ex over email in front of the owner of our daughter's school. I wrote the administrator back (copying ex) and said "I'm happy doing what YOU feel most comfortable doing". She went with what my ex said. Did he win that "battle"- yes. BUT who ended up looking more reasonable in this situation? And I talked the administrator later and apologized again in person- she said 'of course- it looks like you have your hands full'. Because my ex came across as a controlling lunatic. And I get to appear like the reasonable parent to them.

        She has been over the top controlling about school issues. He finally got fed up with trying to get info out of her and booked an interview with the principal/teacher to get on the email list for events etc. When she found out about this she freaked out, but has actually been keeping in her lane the past month or so.

        This seems to be the cycle. She does/says/demands something that is totally out of line, and keeps doing said thing. Finally he will get fed up and make a stand. She knows that she has no right to do what she’s doing and will give in and begin being super nice. Pulls him into false sense of security that “everything has changed”. Then starts the beginning of the cycle all over again with something new.
        This is my opinion only- but I think in co-parenting disputes you have to balance getting what you want while being authentic to you v. being reasonable. Meaning, that if everyone else around you tells you to show up at the school (*ahem*) and confront the issue; you need to do it in the way that 1) shows you as a reasonable and rational parent, not driven by emotion or hatred of your ex (EVEN if they are a controlling demon from hell) and 2) works for your life- what's the point of 'winning' if it comes at the expense of your piece of mind.

        I like Hamilton Dad's suggestions- they sound very even keeled, methodical. And most importantly- what's ACTUALLY going to be in the best interest of the kid. Not having their dad showing up ready for a fight.

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        • #19
          Yes, basically what hammerdad and I said. Politely ask mom. If she says no, ask lawyer. If still says no, go to court.

          you don't need any clause to get report cards. If you check the school polices, you already have access to all of the child's school documents, including report cards, if you have access. Access entitles you to information from all service providers. If there was an order for "No access" then different story.


          when I didn't have custody but had access, the school even allowed me to volunteer at the school and in the child's classroom.

          I also wouldn't show up to school at 5 if the status quo has been to do exchanges at her home. show up at her home, message her " I'm here to pick up child, when could I expect to see her?"

          Nobody is telling him to show up at the school with a jackhammer as Iona is suggesting.

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          • #20
            Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
            I agree. I would be the same way. My example- my ex basically brow beat the administrator of my daughter's preschool to accept the s.7 split him and his lawyer made up (totally erroneous). I asked her to keep the payments the same (with me paying 100%) until such time as we had an agreement on it- and we both had legal counsel and we would address it there.
            Why would you just not agree to him paying his percentage? It's not like he would rather pay someone who tossed him in jail and took away his kids now would he? Isn't it much better to just pay the school then have to deal with you?

            Why would you even want someone who abused you to arrange payments with you directly ? Are you not a victim of domestic violence with fear ?

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            • #21
              Originally posted by tunnelight View Post
              Why would you just not agree to him paying his percentage? It's not like he would rather pay someone who tossed him in jail and took away his kids now would he? Isn't it much better to just pay the school then have to deal with you?

              Why would you even want someone who abused you to arrange payments with you directly ? Are you not a victim of domestic violence with fear ?
              if you read her post correctly he wasnt paying the proper amount and she wanted her lawyer to deal with it. If he was paying the correct amount then I am almost positive she would not have a problem with it.

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              • #22
                tunnelight is no longer with us (banned)

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
                  I asked her to keep the payments the same (with me paying 100%) until such time as we had an agreement on it- and we both had legal counsel and we would address it there. Ex told her- "No. Charge me X. Charge mom Y". There was some back and forth- I wrote him separately on OFW saying "please let's deal with this ourselves and not involve D2's school- it looks poor on us as parents". He said "nope. my lawyer said do it like that- so we're going to."
                  Hi iona,

                  Could it be that you wanted to pay the full daycare fee so that you could claim it on your taxes??

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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by CoolGuy41 View Post
                    Hi iona,

                    Could it be that you wanted to pay the full daycare fee so that you could claim it on your taxes??


                    Nope. I just wanted him to pay the proper proportionate share. It’s supposed to be 60/40 and he told the school to do 75/25. And even that, he waited to pay anything - even though we had agreed to Montessori on a consent order- he wouldn’t pay until my lawyer threatened them with motion. Then he pays (and is still paying) the wrong amount. I just gave up though (for now). Big picture and all that.

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