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  • OCL Disclosure today

    I wasn’t really nervous- until right now.

    It’s this afternoon. I’m just making my little some soup for dinner. I wish I had gone into the office- but took the day off- to, you know, stew, like a dummy.

    I just keep reminding myself though- like you all say- it’s only a recommendation. I can leave after and don’t have to agree on anything.

    Will update you guys.

    Thanks to everyone who has been supportive.
    Last edited by iona6656; 02-11-2019, 01:33 PM.

  • #2
    You’re right to remember that it is simply a recommendation. Also remember that there could be additional recommendations like parenting classes, supervised access, limits and clauses.

    You should also remember that your child will not always be little and full dependent. This is their father and this entire process may make them take control of their life for their child. In many instances, the OCL recommendation helps the judge impose some hard truths on each of you. OCL represents the child’s best interest.

    At the end of the day when the report is done, your child is still loved and cared for and will benefit from a plan that evolves over time. Stay calm and know that you going through the proper processes.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
      I wasn’t really nervous- until right now.

      It’s this afternoon. I’m just making my little some soup for dinner. I wish I had gone into the office- but took the day off- to, you know, stew, like a dummy.

      I just keep reminding myself though- like you all say- it’s only a recommendation. I can leave after and don’t have to agree on anything.

      Will update you guys.

      Thanks to everyone who has been supportive.


      Will be thinking of you... this will be me in about a months time.


      Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

      Comment


      • #4
        Was thinking about you today! Hope all went well.

        Comment


        • #5
          Holy shit.

          I don’t even know where to start.

          In short- most importantly, she recommended that supervision of his access not be removed at this time.

          This is because she feels that through her interviews with his therapist in conjunction with the CAS report - there are high risk factors there to our daughter and to me. She was troubled by the danger screening report. She picked up that CAS only closed our file because D2 had de facto custody with me- and apparently, had I indicated I would return to my ex.... further intervention would’ve been necessary, for our daughter’s sake.

          She recommended sole custody to me. She said this is not a case for joint custody because of the history of violence. She appreciates that we both use OFW well and are able to communicate that way- and I should continue to keep my ex updated on all medical and school stuff as I have been doing. Recommendation is that I sign everything to allow him to keep updated on school and medical. Religion isn’t an issue.

          She said that it was concerning that during his therapy sessions that he never disclosed his threats against D2 and he never specifically told his therapist that he’d been charged with threatening her life and mine. Just assault. She said she is concerned that he continues to minimize the violence. And hasn’t addressed his substance issues at all. She called it his troubling past with substance use.

          She said the observations went well at both homes. The level of engagement with D2 and her dad is great. She did not express any concerns around alienation.

          So yeah, her recommendation is that my ex continues his therapy;
          and his therapist said she would be willing to continue to work with him IF she got a copy of the OCL report and the CAS report- oh yeah, he forgot to mention that our family was involved with them. Basically- and these are my lawyers words to me after- therapy was a PR campaign to help him deal with his criminal charges, but he got called out by his therapist and the OCL.

          He asked for a gradual increase to 50/50. Let’s put it this way- she didn’t even mention when he should start getting overnights—- maybe it will be in the report?

          OCL recommended the same schedule be maintained- Wed afternoons and 1 day each weekend...and maybe add a second weekday evening IF and only IF the proper supervision could be arranged.

          Is there an end in sight? Yes, if he can get a therapist to say he’s not a danger to our daughter.

          But that custody should be settled because medical decisions have to be made around D2’s health, and education.

          So here’s the problems...

          First. What the actual fuck??! He’s still a danger to our daughter??!

          To me? Yes. But to her? I didn’t expect to hear that.

          I don’t think this could’ve gone worse for him..what does he have left to lose? He might as well fight the report.

          Comment


          • #6
            Wow!!! That’s scary. I hope the road ahead of you in family court gets resolved quickly now. Let’s hope he doesn’t decide to fight it and gets the help he needs instead.

            I was hoping this meeting would give you some kind of closure after the long wait for the report. But now I feel scared shitless for you and your child.

            It’s a blessing your child is too young to understand, I can’t imagine having that conversation with her.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
              Holy shit.

              I don’t even know where to start.

              In short- most importantly, she recommended that supervision of his access not be removed at this time.

              This is because she feels that through her interviews with his therapist in conjunction with the CAS report - there are high risk factors there to our daughter and to me. She was troubled by the danger screening report. She picked up that CAS only closed our file because D2 had de facto custody with me- and apparently, had I indicated I would return to my ex.... further intervention would’ve been necessary, for our daughter’s sake.

              She recommended sole custody to me. She said this is not a case for joint custody because of the history of violence. She appreciates that we both use OFW well and are able to communicate that way- and I should continue to keep my ex updated on all medical and school stuff as I have been doing. Recommendation is that I sign everything to allow him to keep updated on school and medical. Religion isn’t an issue.

              She said that it was concerning that during his therapy sessions that he never disclosed his threats against D2 and he never specifically told his therapist that he’d been charged with threatening her life and mine. Just assault. She said she is concerned that he continues to minimize the violence. And hasn’t addressed his substance issues at all. She called it his troubling past with substance use.

              She said the observations went well at both homes. The level of engagement with D2 and her dad is great. She did not express any concerns around alienation.

              So yeah, her recommendation is that my ex continues his therapy;
              and his therapist said she would be willing to continue to work with him IF she got a copy of the OCL report and the CAS report- oh yeah, he forgot to mention that our family was involved with them. Basically- and these are my lawyers words to me after- therapy was a PR campaign to help him deal with his criminal charges, but he got called out by his therapist and the OCL.

              He asked for a gradual increase to 50/50. Let’s put it this way- she didn’t even mention when he should start getting overnights—- maybe it will be in the report?

              OCL recommended the same schedule be maintained- Wed afternoons and 1 day each weekend...and maybe add a second weekday evening IF and only IF the proper supervision could be arranged.

              Is there an end in sight? Yes, if he can get a therapist to say he’s not a danger to our daughter.

              But that custody should be settled because medical decisions have to be made around D2’s health, and education.

              So here’s the problems...

              First. What the actual fuck??! He’s still a danger to our daughter??!

              To me? Yes. But to her? I didn’t expect to hear that.

              I don’t think this could’ve gone worse for him..what does he have left to lose? He might as well fight the report.

              I’m glad you finally know what the ocl was thinking. Even though it sounds really scary... at least they are aware of what is really going on with dad and his behaviour. I hope he won’t fight the report. Even if he does it doesn’t mean he will win.


              Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

              Comment


              • #8
                Is there any danger he may take physical action toward you at this time outside of the report? That is my concern right now. Retaliation.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                  Is there any danger he may take physical action toward you at this time outside of the report? That is my concern right now. Retaliation.
                  It's my concern right now as well. My bigger concern is his mental state and if he decides to do something to himself- and our daughter. His sister is still the supervisor. I have some concerns there...I've contacted our co-parent therapist and my therapist for some guidance- on what I can do to ensure she's safe when she goes for her visits.

                  As for me- yes, I'm afraid. The OCL made it a point to note that there is a still a risk to me- there are high indicators. I always sort of knew it- but I am hoping they are just being overly cautious. Right now I have to decide whether I bring this issue with me to my new place of employment and do the safety planning. I did at my last workplace- it sucks because it definitely affects the way upper management views you. He's never shown up at my workplace before and never has done the following/stalking thing...I have a safety plan at home with my parents (where we currently live).

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Just be safe and in high alert. If your gut tells you something is off. Listen to it... you sound like you have some plans in place so that is good just keep building on them.

                    How did ex react at the meeting?? Or did they do it separately?


                    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I’d be calling CAS and get their input as well. Under your circumstances an emergency motion to have visits supervised at an access center may be better for the time being.

                      What’s your relationship with his sister like? Would she be able to gage his emotions? This outcome is devastating for your ex, his mental health should be everyone’s priority even if that means he doesn’t have access in the meantime.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Hopefully his family is able to work with him. I can safely say that if my brother had this type of a decision, I would be doing everything in my power to help him work through his issues to be healthy for his kids.

                        As far as your workplace, talking to them about this doesnt make you look bad or them worry about who you are. There are plenty of historical cases where people snapped at work and killed someone. At least this way you can help them prepare to keep everyone safe. You have to do what is best for yourself and your daughter.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                          Hopefully his family is able to work with him. I can safely say that if my brother had this type of a decision, I would be doing everything in my power to help him work through his issues to be healthy for his kids.
                          Me too, but he may be downplaying the whole situation to his family. Someone needs to explain to his sister how serious the situation is if she continues to be the supervisor and I think it should be a professional outside the family.

                          I still think the supervision should move to a third party access center.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by kate331 View Post
                            Me too, but he may be downplaying the whole situation to his family. Someone needs to explain to his sister how serious the situation is if she continues to be the supervisor and I think it should be a professional outside the family.

                            I still think the supervision should move to a third party access center.
                            I think asking for access to move backwards- essentially- to go to a third party would inflame the situation.

                            My gut says his sister is okay because she's been doing it for almost a year- and without incident.

                            And thanks for the tip about CAS. I called the local office and spoke with a duty supervisor. They don't think there is anything reportable- but they did give me a good tip. They said to write to the OCL investigator and ask her for clarification on whether - if there was anything of concern in relation to D2- she would be reporting it? Because really- *I* don't know what his mindset is because my contact with him is so limited. She was and is in the best position to determine whether there is an imminent risk to our daughter.

                            And thank you guys for the concern. I've decided to speak the managing legal director about my situation- in conjunction with HR. It's not only my safety at issue- but also the safety of my coworkers. I work in a publicly accessible municipal building. And any safety measures could probably just be time limited.

                            GOOD TIMES.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I’m sorry that is a mixture of good and bad news. The validation is so important though, your instincts were right. If you were not already familiar with “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin deBecker I would suggest borrowing it from the library. It is pretty much the classic how to deal with someone who may turn violent.

                              Comment

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