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  • Doesn't want Grandma watching kids

    What things can be written into a custody agreement? My wife wants to keep me from having my mom watch our kids - a major issue partially causing what's looking like an impending separation - and wrote into her first custody agreement request - "only approved caregivers".
    Can this be disputed/altered/etc? I know if I simply request to change the wording, she will refuse to agree to it.
    What about other things such as church attendance? My wife has now taken our children, while we are still together, to a church a friend attends, which does not support our family and is one she knows I have an issue with.
    Sports, etc...can she keep me from enrolling them in something because she's totally against it?
    Sorry for all the questions. This is going to be a pretty crappy road and there will be a lot of questions!

  • #2
    Originally posted by dftr View Post
    What things can be written into a custody agreement? My wife wants to keep me from having my mom watch our kids - a major issue partially causing what's looking like an impending separation - and wrote into her first custody agreement request - "only approved caregivers".
    Clearly, the other parent in your matter is not getting legal advice nor are you. Your first order of business should be to retain a qualified lawyer who practices in family law. You don't have to spend a lot of money. They have standard separation agreements that cover everything that they can provide. They get them from tools like O'Briens Forms. You can even get a template at Staples if you want to go the cheap route but, you are going to need SIGNIFICANT assistance if you don't understand why "only approved caregivers" is an absurd thing to write in an agreement.

    https://www.staples.ca/divorce+kit/d..._20051_1_20001

    What the other parent is wrongly wording is what is known as a "first right of refusal" clause which are (a) rarely enforceable and even more important (b) rarely if ever executed against a blood relative. Unless the grandmother (or any caregiver) is a "danger" to the children will this be even considered by a court.

    Here is an excellent article that provides insight from a highly respected Social Worker in Ontario about "first right of refusal" that may help you:

    http://www.yoursocialworker.com/s-ar...st_refusal.pdf

    Originally posted by dftr View Post
    Can this be disputed/altered/etc? I know if I simply request to change the wording, she will refuse to agree to it.
    First, you need to understand that whatever the other parent in the matter provides to you is not "law" nor do you have to agree to it. The only dispute resolution that can "order" anything is a judge at motion or at trial or an arbitrator.

    What the other parent has presented to you at this point in time is an "offer to settle". I put that in quotes because there are Rules under the Family Law Rules on what constitutes an actual Offer to Settle.

    Specifically, RULE 18: OFFERS TO SETTLE. (https://www.ontario.ca/laws/regulation/990114)

    You can reject that offer and present your own offer to settle the matter. Considering how little you know already know I recommend you hire a lawyer to help you create a comprehensive offer to settle in accordance with the Rules that is severable and complete. By complete, I mean covers the elements of custody, access, child support, spousal support and equalization.

    Generally, the order I listed them in is the order a court will deal with your matter. The clause that the other parent is trying to figure out falls under "access" generally.

    Originally posted by dftr View Post
    What about other things such as church attendance?
    This is where the complex concept of "status quo" comes into play. If attending a church was something that was a regular occurrence then the "status quo" could be enforced to continue. The court is independent of religion (church vs state) and will rely upon past patterns of behaviour (status quo) prior to even making a ruling.

    If you attended regular service every Sunday for the past 5 years and the children attend Catholic School. The court will probably maintain the status quo and put it into an order. But, they avoid these things like the plauge.

    Generally, religion is not seen as "harmful" to children. The other thing you need to SERIOUSLY consider is that you cannot control what the other parent does with the children on their time.

    Think of it this way... If CAS won't swoop in to protect the children from abuse... They court is not going to either generally.

    Originally posted by dftr View Post
    My wife has now taken our children, while we are still together, to a church a friend attends, which does not support our family and is one she knows I have an issue with.
    You need to separate your personal issues and focus on what you can actually settle. Should you be stupid enough to fight with the other parent on this matter you could be painted easily as conflicted and not a good candidate for joint custody and equal access. Mind your p's and q's.

    You have to now act as if everything you say and do... SMS, email, in-person, ect... will be read by a judge. Ignore this matter and FOCUS on retaining a lawyer and making a comprehensive and complete offer to settle.

    DO NOT ENGAGE IN ANY CONFLICT. This is hard to do. Everyone here understands. But, remember, we have advised this to thousands of parents and few listen or understand. They end up with horrible results. Hundreds of thousands of legal costs, every-other-weekend access schedules and years of court battles.

    DO NOT BE THIS PERSON. You have the opportunity NOW to not be THAT PERSON. HIRE A LAWYER! YOU NEED HELP!

    Originally posted by dftr View Post
    Sports, etc...can she keep me from enrolling them in something because she's totally against it?
    Again, see my comments above on "status quo". In addition, you can enrole your child so long as you have joint custody. But, you cannot demand, force or expect the other parent to take them if the event falls on their access time. Unless, they have been enrolled in the sport for at least 2-3 years. Then the court will see it as "status quo".

    Originally posted by dftr View Post
    Sorry for all the questions. This is going to be a pretty crappy road and there will be a lot of questions!
    It doesn't have to be legally crappy. Hire a lawyer. To resolve the emotionally crappy hire a mental health professional who is an expert in CBT to help you through this. Doing this will make it WAY CHEAPER in the long run!

    Homework:

    1. Research what "custody" is.
    2. Research what "access" is.
    3. Retain a lawyer asap and let them help you settle this matter properly.
    4. The other party can't dictate to you what should be in the agreement or what a court will order. RETAIN YOUR OWN EXPERT (A LAWYER).
    5. Retain a lawyer.
    6. Don't move out of the house.
    7. Seek full joint custody and equal access on a 2-2-5-5 schedule. https://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/...ad.php?t=13702
    8. Don't engage in any conflict. The other party may be getting bad advice to have you wrongfully arrested for "domestic violence".
    9. HIRE A LAWYER NOW!
    10. Did I mention HIRE A LAWYER NOW?

    Good Luck!
    Tayken

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    • #3
      Doesn't want Grandma watching kids

      Tayken said everything that needs to be said.

      But one of the best pieces of advice I got from someone on this board- with respect to kids- is this:

      If you want to have control over your kids (what they eat, bedtimes, activities - just normal parenting stuff) or even know what your children are doing or where they are going - you should’ve stayed married. Getting divorced means you have to learn to accept you are not going to be parenting your kids how you imagined.

      Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

      Comment

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