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  • #16
    A wholesale return of clothes in order to purge his house of all things not purchased by him is not typical rational behavior and also not a good example for the child. IMO this is the ex being controlling to the extent of ensuring that the child has only things purchased by him and not by her mother at his house. For the child's sake, that shouldn't be an issue and the ex is the one making it an issue.

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    • #17
      ^^^^ Pretty much exactly that. If Kid was running out of room in her bedroom at Dad's and needed to clear things out, or if Dad was moving and downsizing, this wouldn't be an issue. Presumably, if that were the case Dad would tell me he was sending Kid back with her stuff to make room at his place. At least that's what I would do if I needed to clear out Kid's room, rather than just dropping her off with a big duffle bag.

      But when it's "Dad and Stepmom don't want any of your things at their house", to me that's involving Kid in adult emotional dynamics which shouldn't be Kid's problem. I realize that I'm relying on Kid's account, but she's pretty clear on what her father is like.

      For context: this is the person who, in the months leading up to the separation when we were still married, wouldn't eat any meals I cooked. He also wouldn't consume any groceries I had bought, and if "my" apples were sitting too close to "his" apples on the countertop, he would become very anxious. (Oddly, he didn't object to me doing "his" laundry or taking out "his" garbage). If I bought Kid a toy, he would go out and buy the same toy, so that he didn't have to play with Kid using "my" toy. He would become very upset if I did any minor repairs around the house (fixing a broken porch step, for instance) because he didn't want to see any evidence of me touching "his" house, as he told me. The phrase "contamination phobia" has been used with reference to his behaviour, and not by me.

      This is the context within which I find mass purges of Kid's clothes to be annoying. My long-term concern is that if he's still stuck on not wanting anything contaminated by me anywhere near him, what will this mean for his relationship with Kid? She is the biggest single sign of my existence that there could possibly me (and it probably doesn't help that she looks a lot like me, with the resemblance increasing as she grows, and we have very similar personalities). Time will tell, I suppose. So far, her relationship with him seems to be okay and I hope it stays that way.

      He has the right to run his house as he sees fit, including purging Kid's possessions, and I'm not going to make a big deal about it because this is not something I want Kid to worry about.

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      • #18
        My opinion is that you are giving a lot of weight to what "kids" say. I get stuck in that too sometimes. Words can be misheard, misinterpreted, etc.

        Your ex's actual behavior as you described it was:
        Dad was (for him) reasonably pleasant and civil at the handover, and said nothing about why Kid had a huge bag.
        A civil ex returning clothes. Again, I hope you thanked him .. there are many ex's that are not so civil and don't return clothing or other items .. regardless of past behavior.
        Last edited by LovingFather32; 12-22-2015, 06:20 PM.

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        • #19
          Originally posted by LovingFather32 View Post
          My opinion is that you are giving a lot of weight to what "kids" say. I get stuck in that too sometimes. Words can be misheard, misinterpreted, etc.

          Your ex's actual behavior as you described it was:


          A civil ex returning clothes. Again, I hope you thanked him .. there are many ex's that are not so civil and don't return clothing or other items .. regardless of past behavior.
          Ooooooh! I see what you did there LF! You used Stripes' advice that was relevant to your situation and to a child of four and passively aggressively threw her words back at her!! I get it!!!! How incredibly charming and amusing!

          And when she didn't respond to your first post, you posted again to try to get her to engage in conflict. Wow! Way to use that psychological training and conflict resolution.

          I am still chuckling over your cleverness.
          Last edited by SadAndTired; 12-22-2015, 08:35 PM.

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          • #20
            My daughters ex stated 2 years ago he had every thing he needed for son untill he was 4 so he did not want any clothes sent when child visited. So 2 years later he announced he needed clothes sent. But then they remained unused in the bag sent. Weird! As one poster said. " it reminds us why they are ex's"

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            • #21
              Originally posted by SadAndTired View Post
              Ooooooh! I see what you did there LF! You used Stripes' advice that was relevant to your situation and to a child of four and passively aggressively threw her words back at her!! I get it!!!! How incredibly charming and amusing!

              And when she didn't respond to your first post, you posted again to try to get her to engage in conflict. Wow! Way to use that psychological training and conflict resolution.

              I am still chuckling over your cleverness.
              normally I agree with most of your stuff but I think you may be off base this time. LF is admitting that he does make the same mistake of believing what a child says. That he also can misinterpret and misunderstand what a child says. At least I hope I am right on what he is writing.

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              • #22
                Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
                normally I agree with most of your stuff but I think you may be off base this time. LF is admitting that he does make the same mistake of believing what a child says. That he also can misinterpret and misunderstand what a child says. At least I hope I am right on what he is writing.
                I don't agree SOTS, especially after Stripes' post but, as always, I respect your opinion and how you present it. 🙂

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by SadAndTired View Post
                  I don't agree SOTS, especially after Stripes' post but, as always, I respect your opinion and how you present it. ��
                  lol never said I was right...I am just hoping that I am. I could be the one misinterpreting it. Thank you for your compliment though.

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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
                    normally I agree with most of your stuff but I think you may be off base this time. LF is admitting that he does make the same mistake of believing what a child says. That he also can misinterpret and misunderstand what a child says. At least I hope I am right on what he is writing.
                    Your correct SOTS.
                    I was in fact admitting to making the same mistake of trusting/believing what a child says. Wrote it right in my post.

                    You have to remember that for some posters whatever I write they will likely be interpreted as passive aggressive, drama bait, etc. Even regarding issues as simple as the ones discussed here.

                    I'm in a public forum offering my free advice/experiences. I use my training in ABA, etc to assist autistic children and other developmental disorders, not to figure out ways to peeve Stripes off. lol

                    If you don't like my opinions S&T you can ignore them .. but I will respectfully request that you don't attack my day job nor my character. Your interpretation of my simple posts are .. well .. they're troubling. I hope you have a wonderful X-mas.

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                    • #25
                      Originally posted by SadAndTired View Post
                      Ooooooh! I see what you did there LF! You used Stripes' advice that was relevant to your situation and to a child of four and passively aggressively threw her words back at her!! I get it!!!! How incredibly charming and amusing!

                      And when she didn't respond to your first post, you posted again to try to get her to engage in conflict. Wow! Way to use that psychological training and conflict resolution.

                      I am still chuckling over your cleverness.
                      Let's avoid the personal attacks and stick to offering advice relevant to the topic at hand. There was nothing of any benefit to anyone in your post.

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                      • #26
                        My ex and I periodically send back a bag of each others' clothes we got for child. I don't know her thinking on the matter 100%, but my thinking is that she would probably like to have on hand the clothes she picked out for our child (younger), just like I do.

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                        • #27
                          Kid came to my place last week and said her father had told her to pack up any clothes that he had bought her and bring them back to his place. So we did. In the grand scheme of things, this is pretty trivial, but it does bother me that this is all done through Kid - I'd be less irked if ex communicated with me directly about these clothing exchanges.

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                          • #28
                            The unfortunate message kid will get is that her things are not really her things. Ex is being petty.

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