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  • #16
    Originally posted by Me_too View Post
    For now, when they ask, I just answer with a question. Something like: "It makes you sad that daddy doesn't drive you ? " I just let them voice their frustration and sadness.
    This implies to the children that they should have feelings of sadness.
    And in a therapeutic situation, (and I know you mean no ill harm with this kind of statement, that's not what I'm getting at), this would be a "leading" statement. It directs the child's thought process rather then what you are attempting to do. You are, I think, trying to give them an opportunity to express their feelings. But this basically says dad makes you sad, tell me how sad dad makes you feel when he does this?

    You are inadvertently putting the children in a position to see dad or dad’s behaviour as a negative or as evoking negative emotional feelings. You’re setting the kids up to think ill of their dad, when in fact I know you just want them to get things out in the open so that they don’t feel worse by keeping it inside. Try something more like, “sweetie, sometimes dad can’t take you, and I know how much you like to do this, so I thought I’d take his place until he can do it himself. Is that ok with you?” This way you have not associated anything negative between the children and their dad, nor invoked any sad feelings in the children about their dad. Let them come to their own conclusions, and as they grow they will learn their own feelings about dad not being there to take them to games or making excuses for not taking, and you have no influence on those emotions between the children and their dad. Does that make sense?

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    • #17
      Although I sympathise with me_too and understand the emotions involved we must remember a few things.
      A NCP has a right to exercise their access how they wish.
      You can't interfere with that. If it means missing hockey or sleepovers, parties, bowling etc... that's what's going to happen. The children will miss out on things that transpire at their CP's home no matter how you slice it.
      If you assume a NCP is making excuses to not exercise their access it could be because they really DO have something going on that makes it difficult. Life goes on. It also could be they dread their involvement with the CP because they know they're going to get a hard time.
      If a NCP moves 40 mins. away from their children, that too is their right. The union is over. Maybe they want a fresh start. Maybe it's closer to work. Maybe they got a good deal on a place to live.
      I totally agree with FLNTC commenting on the leading question approach. Maybe the children don't complain about hockey OR anything to the CP because they fear if they do so it will cause more turmoil. It's a possibility that when they are with the NCP they do enjoy doing their NEW routine whilst there. You don't know for sure. And really it's no-one's bizness.
      Everyone needs to remember not to question children about the EX or their home ~ a simple "did you have a good time at your Dad's/Mom's ?" should suffice.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by Suchislife View Post
        A NCP has a right to exercise their access how they wish.
        You can't interfere with that. If it means missing hockey or sleepovers, parties, bowling etc... that's what's going to happen.
        I totally agree with this, if it is important for you that the kids attend the events, and the ex does not do it, then you should do it if the ex allows it during their time with the kids. Both parents have a right to raise the kids their way, and recognizing that right first, then doing what you can, is best for all.

        Originally posted by Suchislife View Post
        If a NCP moves 40 mins. away from their children, that too is their right. The union is over.

        Totally DONT agree with this. Moving away from your kids, or moving your kids away from the other parent is selfish beyond belief and disregards your responsibilities to raise your kids with their other parent. You loose mobility when you are raising kids in a separated family and I could never respect anyone who moves a signficant distance (which 40 minutes is). When the youngest turns 18 - move away, until then, stay put! (yes okay there are always exceptions to this but they are few and far between)

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        • #19
          I have a in-between opinion on the "moving away" thing. I think that as long as it is not so far that the NCP can reasonably exercise their access without too long a drive (I'd say anything over 4 hours away is too much), then either parent should be allowed to move, but they need to share in the dropping off and picking up, so one parent doesn't spend all his/her time driving asnd assoc. costs with that.

          I DO NOT agree with either parent moving so far that exercising access on a weekly or bi-weekly basis is not possible. Like in our case, my husband's ex moved accross the country. It is NOT fair to the children or the parent left behind.

          In hindsight my husband would have tried much harder to keep his kids here, but at the time he was broke, but not so broke that he could get legal aid, and she had a legal aid lawyer who made her case for her.

          I agree 100% with billm that moving your kids away from the other parent is selfish beyond belief! I have never met his ex, she had moved away before I even met him, but I cannot believe she did that to her children!!!!! I have ZERO respect for her and know, just by this one act, she is completely selfish and self-absorbed. And to add insult to injury we pay 100% of the flights and she 100% beleives she should not have to contribute one penny, ever.

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          • #20
            Originally posted by billm View Post
            [Totally DONT agree with this. Moving away from your kids, or moving your kids away from the other parent is selfish beyond belief and disregards your responsibilities to raise your kids with their other parent. You loose mobility when you are raising kids in a separated family and I could never respect anyone who moves a signficant distance (which 40 minutes is). When the youngest turns 18 - move away, until then, stay put! (yes okay there are always exceptions to this but they are few and far between)
            [/COLOR]
            I'm just now beginning to deal with how this affects the kids ability to get involved in extra-cirricular activities. A couple of years ago my ex moved an hour away to be closer to her family while she puts her life together. There wasn't really much choice for her as she needs the support of her family in her recovery. If she had stayed here closer to the kids, then she wouldn't have had that support and would have continued to spiral down. So the situation, while not ideal, "is what it is".

            But now the kids are at ages where they are getting involved in extra-cirricular activties. Last summer our 6 year old son played T-ball, and some of the games happened during Mom's time. This winter our 4 year daughter is in ballet and some of the kids are taking extra classes to prepare them for a recital, which also occur during Mom's time. They both are unable to attend the full schedule because it would require Mom and the kids to drive 2 hours round trip in addition to the other 2 hours travel for the kids at the beginning and end of the weekend. It's too much travel for the kids. If she lived closer, this would be much more manageable.

            I got our son into hockey school a couple of seasons ago, but neither he nor his sister plays now and one of the reasons why is because the weekends are shared between us and the distance that we live from each other would make it very difficult to the kids to be there for all the games. If they were in hockey, they wouldn't be going full time and would get very frustrated because the other kids would be developing so much faster.

            I understand that these activities often happen during the other parent's time
            and that the other parent does not have to agree that he/she take them to the activities. But it sure gets even more complicated when he/she lives an hour away. I don't think there's much that can be done, unless she moves back closer to them.

            BTW, regarding the travel issue, we split the driving on weekends. The parent who the children are going to comes to get them.
            Last edited by dadtotheend; 01-31-2009, 09:09 PM.

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