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  • Events Together?

    My ex and I have been separated for a few years. We co-parent equally and have gotten along fairly well.

    From the beginning, we have both attended our children's special events and have been fine together.

    However, Last year, both he and I divorced and acquired new spouses. This didn't seem to change things though, as everyone from both families still attended events and seemed to get along fine.

    Now they are suddenly trying to say that it is too "upsetting" for the children, and their family to have everyone together at events.

    I've talked with the children and that is not the picture I get. They love it when both families come to see them doing something and they don't talk about it being uncomfortable at all. My hunch is that it is just uncomfortable for his new wife.

    In lieu of this, they have asked us not to attend events that fall on "their" time, even though we have a parenting plan that states clearly that both parents can attend all lessons, events and school functions.

    I personally though, don't want to start missing important event's in my childrens lives, simply because his wife is incomfortable.

    What is to be done in this situation? Any advice? She we just not go? Should we tell them work it out themselves, as we don't have any problems being with them?

    Also, any ideas why she would be so uncomfortable? She's mentioned something about my children coming to me and not her and her feeling bad - but she's an adult and I would expect her to understand their situation.

    Any insight would be appreciated from those in similar situations.

  • #2
    Wow -that's a tough one. Personally, I attend all my kids' activities whether it's my time or not. I do attend as a spectator instead of a parent though - so for example, if it's not my time and there is a hockey game, I show up only a couple of minutes before and when the game is over, I say good game and I leave. I leave the dressing and skate tying etc to "Dad". Arenas are big, I don't even need to see the other family if I don't want to.

    I think it's in your childs best interest if both parents take an interest in what they are doing - not just when you have to be because you're the taxi driver. My ex doesn't come when it isn't his time and even after 2.5 years, the kids still "invite" him each time in the hopes that he will come. A couple of times my son has even invited both his dad and his step-dad to a father-son event - further proof that the kids don't care how uncomfortable you might be, they are only concerned with what they want.

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    • #3
      I like Sk8r's take on it. And going to events is not about making the ex or their family comfortable, it is about doing what is best for your kid, and what is best for your kid is to know that both parents care enough to attend the events that are important to him/her.

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      • #4
        I agree with sk8tr. It's about your kids - not their other parent and that parent's level of "comfort" with your presence at your childs' events. When your kids are your age, they'll remember whether you were at their activities or not. They won't remember why you weren't if you don't attend. However, if you don't go, in order for your ex to be more "comfortabe", you might want to consider whether you will regret that decision in 20 years.

        It's tough to be objective when you're in the middle of something that involves your kids. I find it helps to think about it as if I were looking back a few decades. It helps me make the "right" decision when faced with challenges. At least I like to think so. I'll let you know in 20 years!

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        • #5
          baileybug,

          I agree with sk8r, peggy and D-D. It is all about the children which they are only children for a short time. It is the child's right to have both parent's to be involved in their life. The significance is not in the event in itself but both parents just being there and supporting them. As an example, What is the difference between a sport event or their graduation. Is it reasonable to suggest one parent misses the graduation because it does not fall on their day, night or weekend considering these events occur in the public locations. If it was me I would continue attending the child's events. Sit at opposite ends if you have to but be sure your child is aware that you are there!

          lv

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          • #6
            On the last day of school before the christmas vacation, I went to my sons school to watch him sing in the christmas concert. I was met by him afterwards, in the hallway, by him running up to me ( right past his mom) and grabbing my hand. He was so pleased to see his dad there. It was such a wonderful moment for me...and it was so obvious how special it was for him too.

            I took some pics of him while ex sat on the side glaring at me. It was very stressful and uncomfortable. As soon as my son turned his back, she came up behind me and started making snide comments. I can handle her immaturity...and I can only imagine that she must feel like such a fool upon reflection. My concern is that my son is picking up on this ridiculous tension. I wonder if he can recognize the glares she gives me...or if he hears any of the snide comments she makes when she "thinks" he's out of earshot.

            I feel like bringing it up at the next case conference. I would like it stated that there is to be no harassing comments made when we are both at one of his events. It is too risky that he will hear them. Would this be considered petty or unimportant?

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            • #7
              Serrona

              In my Divorce Agreement, the following was stated:

              "Freedom from the Other"

              "Neither party will molest, annoy, harass nor in any way interfere with the other."

              Therefore, in answer to your question - I think you have every right to discuss your concerns at your next conference.

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              • #8
                In addtion to family court, we need a Court of Appropriate Parent Behaviour for child parenting issues. It's a pipe dream, but it would be nice to have a court that could give slaps on the wrist - so to speak -to parents behaving at a lower maturity level than their kids.

                Even better, how about a self-regulating body of divorced parents whe hear and render decisions regarding divorced parents issues?

                Applicants could self-represent or be representer by a lawyer, but the decisions are binding as agreed before the process is started.

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                • #9
                  dadof2girls

                  Yes it is only fair to the children to have all the 'parents' involved. Have you thought about getting some outside help?

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                  • #10
                    Yes, we already seen a mediator, and have a plan that clearly states we are both allowed to attend any public event. However since then, he has said that "he" doesn't want me there and that it's too disruptive to his family. If I do go, he wants to dictate who sits/stands/talks when and where (my family is not allowed to sit near his family or talk to them). If my son asks me to help him change out of his uniform after a lesson, I'm supposed to make up an excuse, as I'm "not allowed" to do that on Dad's week.

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                    • #11
                      I agree that both parents can attend their child's activities no matter what. What I believe is appropriate, is that if it is mom's access day then the dad can spectate and not interfere with the other parents access. What I do have a real problem with is the fact that I paid solely for my son's hockey and on my access days, my ex interferes in the change rooms by removing his equipment etc.while I am trying to. My partner is usually with me and this is very uncomfortable. I respect my ex's time when there are practices on his access day by being a spectator only. He also has taken to volunteering to skate with the team this past month on my access days. He is not even licenced to be on the ice as per minor hockey rules. I am distressed that I cannot have my time with my child without looking at him participating. My ex has not paid one cent towards child or spousal support or medical/extraordinary expenses for our son since we separated two years ago.


                      My partner and I approached him at hockey the first time he was skating on my access day. I asked him if he thought it was appropriate to involve himself to that extent on my access day. He said to me he would do whatever he wanted as we,"...have nothing in writing."

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                      • #12
                        Wow, independant gal. That seems rough. From what I've read online, that seems to be a pattern with parents that have the lesser amount of access.
                        Might be worth it for you two to see a mediator and draft a parenting plan. That's the only thing kinda saving us when it comes to certain disagreements. Go and formally get things rolling with support and shared expenses. No sense letting that colour all your interactions with him. He should be paying his fair share.


                        Our goal when we go, is never to interfere. We would never assume to do anything other than cheer, wave and say good-bye. The only time we feel it's appropriate to involve ourselves, is if our kids ask, and even then we defer to dad for an ok first. We wouldn't take it personally if he told them no, he wanted to do it. However, his stance is that if the kids ask, we should make up excuses ourselves as to why we can't do something, even though we can and would love to. That's where we draw the line. Is that asking too much?

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                        • #13
                          Volunteering with kids...

                          Independant Gal,

                          For several years, I coached my son's hockey team. Should I have stayed off the ice when it was his father's access time? Sorry but I don't agree with you there. You said it - it makes YOU uncomfortable to see him on the ice. How does your son feel? I know my son would be THRILLED if his dad got involved in his life when it wasn't his time. And that would be enough for me to be thrilled for him.

                          This isn't about us. It isn't about us wanting to see our children. It isn't about us not wanting to have to interact with the other parent. IT IS about how that child feels when BOTH his parents are in the stands cheering him on. And I highly doubt your son cares WHO paid for hockey - that's between you and your ex. (but you definitely should pursue CS)

                          As for the dressing/undressing stuff - I don't put myself in a position where my child would ask for my help. I arrive at game time and I leave when it's over. I stay clear of the dressing room. If he did ask though, I would probably say "you know I think Daddy would like to help you because he doesn't get to that often"

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                          • #14
                            Sk8tr

                            Yes, I will agree with you that it bothers ME and my partner and my family to see my ex participating during hockey. This is a father who has never seen his son's school, his teacher, Christmas concert, he hasn't bothered to request a copy of his report cards even. Last year I paid solely for t-ball,informed him of the dates, and my ex did not show up for one practice or game. He is only doing this to interfere in my access. I say this because he is so angry at my new partner and I he actually contacted my partner's disgruntled ex who lives 45 minutes away for the sole purpose of plotting strategies of how to deal with my partner and I. And he actually brings our son to my partner's ex's house! Talk about the kids hearing inappropriate things! They did not know each other before my partner and I got together and from what I gather they are feeding on each other's hatred for their ex's. They are both extremely jealous and angry people. Both of them have been charged with assault against us(my partner was assaulted with a weapon(beaten with a heavy object as he was running away from her) and had his vehicle damaged by her ripping wipers off and hurling rocks at the windows and kicking doors while my partner was inside). They are VERY angry people and I do not wish to have them at my access. I half expect that my partner's ex will show up at my son's hockey(my access) this weekend as I will have her kids there as well. I should mention that our ex's are not "together" except in hate towards us.


                            I think that parents have the right to access with their children that does not directly involve the other parent. I should not have to interact with him on my access days.

                            If the situation between my ex and I was not so acrimonious and in my opinion dangerous, I would not be upset by the new-found "volunteering" at hockey.

                            Comment

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