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  • Feel guilty

    Hi,

    I’m planning on separating/divorcing my wife who I met 10 years ago when she was 27. She will be turning 37 this year. We dated for 5 years and were married for 5 years.

    There were lots of ups and downs over the last 10 years. We basically live like roommates now but we are still on good terms with each other. We’ve talked about separating many times and I’m pretty sure we’d be able to go through with the divorce/separation without fighting.

    But the one thing that I’m having trouble getting off my mind is the fact that I feel as though I’ve wasted 10 years of her life. She’s always wanted to have children. At first I put it off because I didn’t want to have any, then my mental health really deteriorated and I was off work for a while on stress leave, and now I mostly put it off because I realize I would not be able to handle children. And maybe that’s ok.

    Here’s my issue: I sort of feel like I owe my wife more than 50% because of all of the time I’ve wasted and I wonder if anyone on the forum here might agree with me. I technically could take my 50% share of the equity in the home (I also made the 20% down payment with my own money). But I do feel that after all that I’ve put her through, I should just give her my share of the equity as well, at least to pretty much guarantee that she’ll be able to keep living at the house and won’t have to go through all the stress of ‘starting over’ again.

    I guess other people might say: don’t feel bad about the past, what’s done is done, take your half, etc.

    I’m just wondering if any one else here has given more than 50% or all of their share to their ex because they felt guilty, and if it helped you feel better about the separation/divorce.

  • #2
    how much equity are you talking about?

    Comment


    • #3
      I put 50,000 down on the house.

      The equity has probably grown to about 85k or 42k each.

      I did inherit about 250k as well. That’s not part of the deal though, that’s mine to keep.

      I understand inheritances are excluded. But wouldn’t I be an asshole if I also took my share on top of everything I already have? (Shrug)

      Comment


      • #4
        Were you upfront about the fact that you did not want to have children before you married, or did you string her along with, I'm just not ready yet, then marry her anyways.

        Comment


        • #5
          Stringing her along. I didn’t truly ever want children. I tried to get into it when she bought me a parenting book, but I could never shake off all the anxiety I had about it all. I should have just said something a few years ago but I was really scared of being alone. Now I just feel that I’ve wasted so much of her time. So maybe I shouldn’t make this about me and getting my 50%. Unless you’re just supposed to take it anyway and not care how she feels, but I’d feel sort of guilty if I did that.

          Comment


          • #6
            Are you smoking a reefer???

            As generous as it sounds, I think you should just do it "by the book."

            Don't do something today that you may regret down the road.

            She is still young enough to have children.

            If you want to help her out then be cooperative throughout the process.... don't let your lawyer stonewall things.

            Comment


            • #7
              Just figure out what is what according to Family Law, AND then just decide if you want to give her more.

              Life is not simple and she could have left earlier, and would have if she wanted to have done.

              Just make sure that you get it in writing regardless of what you do so it doesn't come back somehow and bite you on the ass.

              If you start feeling or acting guilty, she may start believing that you are entirely to blame. And trust me, some (most) women don't feel bad about living off somebody's else money. It's called entitlement, which has nothing to do with fairness.

              So do what is right for you, over and above the law, but carefully please.

              Comment


              • #8
                "If you start feeling or acting guilty, she may start believing that you are entirely to blame. And trust me, some (most) women don't feel bad about living off somebody's else money. It's called entitlement, which has nothing to do with fairness."

                Of course this is a bullshit statement.

                Just beware that once your wife gets a lawyer you can guarantee that the tone of your relationship will change. I'd look at this like an auto accident: don't admit fault. Just get out of this and move on.
                Last edited by arabian; 01-13-2018, 06:37 PM.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Arabian,

                  A simple poll will breakdown as follows:

                  Those that pay - UNFAIR $

                  Those that take - NOT ENOUGH $

                  Right or wrong, that will be the general feeling.

                  The one and only divorce I know of that was civil was between two people who both lost interest in each other AND made the same amount of income.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I guess only you know if you should feel guilty or not. If I was your partner, I would have left you long ago to find someone I could have had children with, as I know the risks of waiting. So only you and her know the ins and outs of the issues that led her to stay in spite of wanting children and you to stay in spite of knowing you didnt want them and the extend of the stringing along.

                    I guess only you know if money will ease your guilt.

                    At this point she would be considered an "elderly primip" having a first child at an advanced age, as far as childbearing goes, and it does come wiht several complicating factors, and a few benefits. If you want t know more about all the benefits and risks of a child after age 37, here is it, from a reputable source in Ontario, a document called:

                    REFLECTING ON THE TREND:
                    Pregnancy After Age 35: A guide to Advanced Maternal Age for Ontario service providers, including a summary of statistical trends, influencing factors,
                    health benefits, health risks and recommendations for care.


                    https://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB...IS5qvecmHpkfU-

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Firstly, you admitted trying to get into it so you weren't completely lying about it. I guess you wanted kids if you were able to.

                      Secondly, people do many worse moral things to each other during the marriage and there is no financial penalty imposed. Also people justify their actions by blaming the other PARTY. Don't self impose anything. People sleep with the siblings of their spouse etc... and society (the courts) deems it irrelevant

                      Personally, I think you did the smartest thing ever. Having kids is a big responsibility and better to not pull the trigger if unsure than do it and fuck up lives...

                      In terms of your stbx, she will be fine dont worry. It's a woman's world between fertility treatments, desperate guys, adoption etc... She has lots of options. If she is half decent she will be getting banged in no time.

                      Don't think you wasted her time. You aren't just a sperm donor. You guys had good times I am sure and I am sure it enriched her life.

                      Also until you have a full separation agreement done don't give anything unless needed to close the deal. When sharks smell blood...
                      Last edited by Links17; 01-14-2018, 06:13 PM. Reason: Ygg

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        YUP....what Links said.

                        Don't imagine that having kids would be the answer to everything.

                        Take care of yourself too.

                        She certainly will take care of herself, as she should.

                        Comment

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