Am I Required To Switch?

[cashcow4ex]

Well finally some more people with common sense...about time.

Very well said lotusflower!

[Pursuinghappiness]

Well finally some more people with common sense...about time.

So I don't have common sense if I don't agree with you?

You must be related to my stbx.

[Berner_Faith]

Plans for every weekend that take effort or have consequences to change? - be real. Would you not accommidate this situation if it were ANYONE other than 'the ex' - it is just being inflexible out of spite.

I must say that the next 6 months are completely booked for my bf and I, both when we have his children and we don't...I don't feel its unreal to have plans booked that far in advance...when we have both his parents to visit (who are divorced), plus the rest of his family and mine... we have many actvities planned for the kids when we have them, and when we don't, we both work all weekend long...we don't switch weekends often, because we are unable to. Its not for a lack of not wanting the children more, it is because we all (his ex included) have tight schedules and when we start switching it messes things up for all of us. The few times we have switched, the kids had to be at a babysitter during the day, until we both got home...

I agree with those who said she is not obligated to switch weekends...if he is giving up a weekend (no matter what the reason) she does not have to switch to make it up to him...I don't feel it has anything to do with her being unreasonable, but if it doesn't suit her scheduled plans, then IMO he misses out, unfortunate for the kids more than him, but why should the kids have to miss out on what she has planned because the ex can't plan?

[LotusFlower]

I must say that the next 6 months are completely booked for my bf and I, both when we have his children and we don't...I don't feel its unreal to have plans booked that far in advance...when we have both his parents to visit (who are divorced), plus the rest of his family and mine... we have many actvities planned for the kids when we have them, and when we don't, we both work all weekend long...we don't switch weekends often, because we are unable to. Its not for a lack of not wanting the children more, it is because we all (his ex included) have tight schedules and when we start switching it messes things up for all of us. The few times we have switched, the kids had to be at a babysitter during the day, until we both got home...

I agree with those who said she is not obligated to switch weekends...if he is giving up a weekend (no matter what the reason) she does not have to switch to make it up to him...I don't feel it has anything to do with her being unreasonable, but if it doesn't suit her scheduled plans, then IMO he misses out, unfortunate for the kids more than him, but why should the kids have to miss out on what she has planned because the ex can't plan?

100% agree - like I said, if she says no, he gets a babysitter, and that can't be made up, so why is he suddenly entitled to demand that she switch, simply because she is picking up the slack?? She is potentially saving him money as well as providing a better scenario for the weekend, in that they are with a parent rather than a babysitter, but that's not enough for him.

[May_May]

1. If it's the frustration of their father not being able to take your children on his week-ends I think we all understand that...I agree and I plan my week-ends knowing which ones I have our children

2. If flexibility is required (and it has with me), I willingly take the children and help out. I would always like to have my children, as opposed to my stbx getting a babysitter. Both my stbx and I exchanged notes this week agreeing that we are each others backup, followed by grandparents, and worst case scenario a babysitter (and that neither of us would use that against each other in the future).

3. It looks like the point that some folks are making, is just to be flexible if possible (you also might need to switch a week-end down the road)...but you do not have to. If anything, I think you were more venting about it happening more than once, and him making plans when it's his week-end with the children (and I agree...that is frustrating).

4. Just document the changes in a log.

Have fun with the kids, get a bunch of old dishes and go to the dump and throw them to get your frustration out (I'm all out and eating on plastic plates now ! ha)....

[momof6]

Just to add my two cents here, I agree with Bill and May.

It is nice that you share the right of first refusal. It is her opinion that he "told her" that she must switch. Her perception may not be the same as his. Some people are very sensitive to this after separation.

You should try to accomodate changes, as you may need him to be accomodating sometime in the future. Furthermore, there is a lot of assuming going on in previous posts. Not all things can be changed when kids are scheduled to be with a parent.

The children should not be privy to this knowledge and therefore will not see anyone as a doormat. However, being able to show them co-operation and accomodation is a valuable lesson.

[billm]

...
I suspect that if he had come to her and said, "Hey, I know it's my weekend, but something has come up and I was wondering if we could please switch weekends? I hate to miss time with them but this was the only weekend I could do this - could you do me a solid?" - he might have received a more favourable response.

...

So you're saying the decision to not switch would then be out of anger, spite, or tit for tat. This is how the cycle of noncooperation and discontent continues.

[LotusFlower]

So you're saying the decision to not switch would then be out of anger, spite, or tit for tat. This is how the cycle of noncooperation and discontent continues.

It's also how the cycle of disrespect and allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat ENDS. There's another thread in this forum asking people what the best part of being divorced/separated is to them. For many, it's not having to put up with the other person treating them like garbage and continuing to expect that they'll still always get their way.

I totally get why the OP has no desire to bend over backwards for someone who is asking for a favour - a FAVOUR! - with the expectation of entitlement and offense at not getting his way that she describes.

[LotusFlower]

The children should not be privy to this knowledge and therefore will not see anyone as a doormat. However, being able to show them co-operation and accomodation is a valuable lesson.

Just read this. Kids don't have to be 'privy to details' to see the dynamic between their parents.

Th original question was, "Am I required to switch?"

As seems to be a trend on this forum, rather than simply answering the question, the OP is getting judged on whether or not she SHOULD, rather than simply being advised on whether or not she is required to.

She's not required to, which is why he should have asked her nicely in the first place.

Furthermore, someone made the point here that is it were anyone else rather than her ex, she'd have happily accommodated them. I highly doubt that, considering the disrespectful way it was handled from his side. So then we hear that she should accommodate him BECAUSE of his role as her children's father.

You don't get to have it both ways. The fact is that he came to her and asked her if she would take the kids that weekend so that they didn't have to go to a babysitter. If she had said no, he would not have been able to make up that weekend. Her saying yes does not automatically entitle him to a make-up weekend. If he wants one, he can at least have the decency to ASK NICELY, and accept her 'no' if that's what he gets.

[Motorizer]

Jeez... You people get so worked up over NOTHING.
Either watch the kids, or don't.
You have no obligation to switch weekends, so don't.


Simple.
Y'all are such freaking drama queens.

[inseperationhell]

Obligated to switch weekends - no. But take the kids for his weekend - go ahead. My ex has asked for me to take his weekends, dropped off the kids at relatives etc. I am accepting all requests and documenting the shit out of it with the hopes that when my case goes to court it will go against his fight for 50% custody. If someone truley wants custody for the kids best interests, they will organize their lives around the kids and when they have them.