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  • help with situation

    hi, i hope everyone is staying safe...

    my situation is very much high conflict, i just need guidance either replying here or DM me

    there have been ongoing issues with access namely where the ex brings my daughter and doesn't facilitate her struggle with exiting the car. My daughter is 8, my son has no issue. Over the spring and summer the ex would conflate access with the fact that I am in arrears for spousal only based on an interim motion from feb 2019. Covid has decimated my income. Prior to this, we verified that my true income was much lower anyways. But we have not had discovery and courts were shut down. that is a separate issue. there is evidence of alienation tactics (fielding framework 14/17 +) and my daughter believes her mom and grandma are demigods.

    The issue was bad enough where we had an emergency motion and were successful in determining that she was not in compliance with the access order and if her behaviour continued, I could get exclusive access.
    Nothing changed and I have proof positive that she disregarded that judges order and her family were helping cover it up.

    to the more pressing issue:

    on xmas day, my kids independently give me pieces of a a story where my daughter was assaulted my her maternal grandma by strangulation. I asked the ex about it and she told me to stop making things up. I took Ella to see a doctor who she told the story to. There were no marks though. CAS and OPP became involved.

    Personally, I think CAS botched the investigation because they interviewed the kids and her side after the kids were back with her. Fortunately, CAS sees the malignment of my daughter and is reopening the case. There has been quite a lot more, but I am trying to be brief. (trying)

    So last week, my daughter sends me a text message asking why I want her grandmother to be in jail. I also found texts where her and her grandmother are discussing "dad wanting to put grandma in jail"..at the handover last friday, in front of the kids she refused to get out of the car and demanded i pay her money...the kids heard it..its audible on my cameras...the next day my duaghter even asked if i paid her mom and that I have to give her half of what I earn because she doesn't have a job

    To me this...this crosses the line of child abuse and deliberate tactics...cas sees it as such


    My current lawyer did not react strongly to that above statement and that it is just "concerning" we have been talking about doing contempt for 8 months but she remains hesitant as she does not think a judge will switch access and doesn't seem to want to push any of the access issues as hard as I want.
    We did have a custody assessor in the summer but he died. We tried LCAP but her side is refusing. So we are basically at a standstill...from everyone's experience in high conflict, would you have found your lawyer to be more aggressive and pusing the issue harder when an 8 year old is being deliberately put into this...

    I am just not seeing an aggressive plan, but also don't know how this situation should be handled..i am going to be getting a second opinion

    thx guys

  • #2
    So do you want to send the grandma to jail? Do you honestly believe your kid's grandma is of criminal nature and a danger to kids? Do you believe your kid's grandma will deliberately hurt the kids with criminal intent or negligence?

    The doctor seemed to think nothing was wrong. The kids are not traumatized. The kids still enjoy their relationship with their mom, grandma and you?

    Re other malignant and bad-mouthing behavior, what I've generally heard from others on is forum is that you can't fix stupid. Just try to have a good time with your kids while they're in your case.

    I never understand why people decide to involve police in family matters and have other family members thrown in jail.

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    • #3
      I would never want any of that on anyone in my daughter's family.

      But when you have two kids independently telling me that one was choked and the mother essentially told me to screw off...what would u do

      By independently one kid was upstairs and the other was at opposite end of house and both brought up.

      Doctor had to report to CAS and the rest was automatic

      The issue with badmouthing in this context is that my daughter is heavily brainwashed...cas sees and opening file bc they see my daughter in trouble...but then to villify anyone over this...
      Other examples are when my daughter is insulting my mom and family in front of her mom, I correct the behavior...her mother chastises menfor doing so

      I have to create a new apple Id Everytime I want to FaceTime my son bc she blocks each unique account...

      Just added context

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      • #4
        If CAS wasn’t going to do anything then there is no point in pursuing it. Let it go. As your daughter gets older she will see the inappropriate behaviour.

        While it is terrible to hear what you do from your kids you may also be part of the problem. You are giving your daughter too much power in these situations. If she doesn’t get out of the car say bye and let her go. Take your son for a milkshake and do fun stuff with him and let him go home and tell her all the cool stuff he got/did. Your daughter is trying to appease her mother and believes the stronger love comes from there. When she realizes she is missing out she will stop feeding into it. Same goes for your ex. She sees you video taping and knows you talk to the kids so she feeds into it herself. Take back your power.

        You have several more years of dealing with your ex and if you are having this many issues now it will only get worse. Stop fighting and start living. It will only continue if you give her the attention she obviously craves.


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        • #5
          Again...I am not pursuing anything criminal.. the issue is that this little girl did what she thought was right and it got twisted into villifying her father..that is what CAS is pursuing

          Again I did not promppt it..she randomly texted it to me when she saw me on Roblox

          Cas opened the case because they see the alienation happening..my daughter is 8 and she is being groomed to reject her father and my family...she willingly insults me in front of her mother and her mother cheers it on...so no I'm not going to let it go...if your kid was making fun of your exes family..she's 8..would you cheer it on?

          My camera is attached to my house so anyone can see it

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          • #6
            You need to stop feeding into it. You can document it and put it forward to see if you can change custody but fighting with them in the driveway just feeds into it and makes you the bad guy. Its been months of this and your way of doing things isnt working. Why keep doing it? When she sees you are indifferent to her behaviour she will stop. You are feeding the monster working against you. Cut it off and you will see a difference.


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            • #7
              You've been around a few years, so hopefully you know where to listen and when to ignore.
              Anyone telling you to abandon your 8 year old because they're struggling to get out their car seat obviously doesn't have kids. Normally parents don't give up.
              Let CAS do their thing and see what they say. And/or go to court. You won an emergency motion, had an assessment done... if it's serious, court will help.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by StillPaying View Post
                You've been around a few years, so hopefully you know where to listen and when to ignore.
                Anyone telling you to abandon your 8 year old because they're struggling to get out their car seat obviously doesn't have kids. Normally parents don't give up.
                Let CAS do their thing and see what they say. And/or go to court. You won an emergency motion, had an assessment done... if it's serious, court will help.

                I dont recall anyone telling him to “abandon” his child. It was advice to abandon the ongoing conflict in the driveway. He has an endorsement on changing custody if this behaviour continues. His fight is with his ex not an 8 year old.

                At this point he needs to file an emergency motion for a change in custody with the previous endorsement and the documentation on the hand overs.

                Respondent and I were in court on x date. Justice smith endorsed the following. Since that time there have been y exchanges over z dates. The respondent has failed to facilitate parenting time on all of those dates. I am requesting an order for a change in custody as per justice smiths endorsement as well as an order for reunification therapy.

                Thats it. Fighting with a child to get out of a car then having the ex escalate it solves nothing. Any therapist worth their weight will say the same. Your “fight” is not with the child and just because your ex has chosen to drag them in does not mean you have to do so as well. Two wrongs don’t make a right. If a judge said it and its been several months and things are getting worse not better then make a move in court. Its not going to get better without that intervention.


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                • #9
                  Thx rockscan

                  I don't fight with my daughter..I try then go inside with my son..as u can imagine he does not like the situation

                  Today's line was cas said not to drag her out...and her mind twisted that as not even trying...

                  And today was..she is afraid of you..I do think cas will see through all this

                  The scary scenario is if she were to see the mountain of evidence..it's literally a mountain of how many times it was violated she'd would like..but it's hard to know if she is willfully lying or warping reality to suit her perceptions

                  I do think it's time for a new lawyer...since the June endorsement I lost something like 56 out of 85 parenting days

                  We did try an emergency motion in September but judge wanted to do contempt for regular motions.. current lawyer just wants to wait

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                  • #10
                    Just remember the immense pain your daughter is feeling now and what she will endure as things go along. As an alienated child myself I can advise that it was horrible to look back and see what was done to me. I was a weapon used against my father. It took several years of therapy for me to work through the mess my mother created. Your daughter has many years of emotional grief to endure and I hope she will be released from this bullshit soon. Be strong for that day.


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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Kkc View Post
                      Thx rockscan

                      I don't fight with my daughter..I try then go inside with my son..as u can imagine he does not like the situation

                      Today's line was cas said not to drag her out...and her mind twisted that as not even trying...

                      And today was..she is afraid of you..I do think cas will see through all this

                      The scary scenario is if she were to see the mountain of evidence..it's literally a mountain of how many times it was violated she'd would like..but it's hard to know if she is willfully lying or warping reality to suit her perceptions

                      I do think it's time for a new lawyer...since the June endorsement I lost something like 56 out of 85 parenting days

                      We did try an emergency motion in September but judge wanted to do contempt for regular motions.. current lawyer just wants to wait
                      one of the BEST things I did during my divorce proceedings was receiving second opinions from two other lawyers- and ultimately firing my first lawyer. my second lawyer was $200 more per hour- but ultimately spent less time getting to a good result for our file. And I'm sure he saved me an immense amount of money.

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