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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #11  
Old 09-27-2021, 11:28 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Originally Posted by Brampton33 View Post
Glad I found this thread....as I think this issue applies to my situation. I had to fight in court to get my last name referenced in our children's legal names, so now it is a hyphenated last name.

My ex made a stink about ensuring that her last name was first in the order of hyphenated last names. I always thought it was in alphabetical order. I looked at what happens when married people hyphenate their names too. It is all over the place and there are no clear answers on what is the norm. I wondered why my ex was making such a stink about the order, but now its starting to make sense.....

My thoughts is that my ex (being possessive of our kids) is hoping that our kids simply adopt using their first part of their last name and drop the rest. Or when people refer to our kids, they only say the first part of the last name and not the whole hyphenated last name, and so kids just go with it. Any ideas how to deal with this? It is really petty on the part of my ex, and I hate the fact that she plays psychological games when it involves our kids.
It's so funny how things can change in 2 short years.

After we settled everything through court proceedings- our settlement agreement said we would change D5's last name to a hyphenated version: Ex-Mine.

However, the more I thought about it- the more I realized it didn't really matter. My ex's last name is easier- 5 letters- v. my last name (9letters)....so giving D5 a hyphenated last name is just kinda mean (14letters long? lol)...and his last name is early in the alphabet (score).

I recently asked her if she wanted to change her last name to have both Dada's and Mama's last name and she decided she liked Dada's last name. She has my first name as her middle name. So...meh. Dad's last name it is.

If she's older and wants my last name- sure.

In other words- like HammerDad said- as long as you're spending time with your kids- they KNOW they are part of you. The name thing isn't really that important.

(But also- I still hate that my daughter called my ex's gross sister-wife 'mama' for a time)
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  #12  
Old 09-27-2021, 11:56 AM
Brampton33 Brampton33 is offline
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Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
However, the more I thought about it- the more I realized it didn't really matter. My ex's last name is easier- 5 letters- v. my last name (9letters)....so giving D5 a hyphenated last name is just kinda mean (14letters long? lol)...and his last name is early in the alphabet (score)
My last name is shorter and earlier in the alphabet so applying the same logic would mean using my last name only if that logic were to be applied.

However, unlike Iona, my ex is extremely possessive and vindictive. She treats our separation as a literal war. My ex would not have the ability to put child first ahead of her narcissistic, petty and vindictive motives as Iona has.
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  #13  
Old 09-27-2021, 12:18 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Originally Posted by Brampton33 View Post
My last name is shorter and earlier in the alphabet so applying the same logic would mean using my last name only if that logic were to be applied.

However, unlike Iona, my ex is extremely possessive and vindictive. She treats our separation as a literal war. My ex would not have the ability to put child first ahead of her narcissistic, petty and vindictive motives as Iona has.

A lot of people who act like this need to be ignored. Which is why this forum came up with my favourite phraseis this a hill to die on? Do you really want to be fighting with your ex over every bloody thing? Is it worth fighting her over every little thing?

Sure its frustrating and annoying but in the end most of the stuff needs to be ignored. They are still your kids whichever name they go by.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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  #14  
Old 09-27-2021, 01:08 PM
Brampton33 Brampton33 is offline
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Sure it�s frustrating and annoying but in the end most of the stuff needs to be ignored. They are still your kids whichever name they go by. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Fair enough. For me I think what is more frustrating is the game-playing and using the kids as pawns in the game. Don't mess with their heads. I know for a fact my ex never says my last name when referring to the kids (in front of the kids) and she does it on purpose. Don't play mind games with the kids or involve them in your mental health issues of being at war with your ex.
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Old 09-27-2021, 01:57 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Your kids will learn from both of you as they age. Which one is petty and vindictive and which one is reasonable. I use myself as an example. When my mother had reached the end of any possible court action with my father she made a big deal about firing her lawyer and finding someone else to do her bidding. Us kids (who were young adults) told her no. She stopped speaking to us for a week but we held strong. Years later the two of them got into a petty argument/behaviour at a siblings wedding. All they did was make us put them in a time out to think about their behaviour. My father still pulls shit and it results in me ignoring him on a regular basis. Your kids will learn. As long as you remain a constant in their life, nothing can change that. Plus their mothers actions will eventually impact them and possibly change their attitude towards her. Who wants to live with a high maintenance asshole parent when you can live with one who treats you normal?

During my husbands recent court action his ex would bait him with shit and he wanted to respond so badly. His lawyer and I reminded him it was pointless. Nothing was ever going to change her attitudeincluding the judge who ordered significant costs against her for her actions.

Some people will never change and they take great joy in getting under your skin. Dont let them! As my therapist has always saidyou cant change other peoples behaviour, you can only change your reaction to it.
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  #16  
Old 09-28-2021, 09:53 AM
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A rose by any other name is still a rose.
Your child by any other name is still your child.

I have witnesses the silliest attempt to create conflict on a name in a court file ever. High conflict parent went out and got one of those "royal" titles from those scam sites you see popping up on Facebook etc. Attached it to their surname and then told the child the only way they would get the title is if they used that parent's surname.

So obviously the child wanted a royal title one day passed on by that parent so demanded that their surname be that parent's name.

Not sure how that one has turned out but, it is quite possibly the stupidest thing I have seen in an affidavit ever. They even attached the fake certificate from the scam sites of their "royal" title. Ugh.

I would recommend everyone drop the "name game nonsense".

Sing this wonderful and fun song "The Name Game" by Shirley Ellis with your children's names and be done with it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MJL...nel=soulrocket

No matter what "name" the child has they still identify YOU as their parent and that is all that matters!
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Old 09-28-2021, 11:40 AM
Stillbreathing Stillbreathing is offline
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What Taken said. A name is something a child is given not who they are. They know who they are. One parent may try to dismiss the other by not acknowledging them or including their name in the child’s name but this tactic does not work and is immature and petty. My household is a really strange one for names. The youngest children and I have my married last name. The oldest has changed theirs to my maiden name. I also have legal custody of my grandchildren ( that’s another story for another day). The grandchildren don’t have either parent’s last name but a unique last name the mother chose at their birth. Because I have sole custody and decision making with my grandchildren I could easily change their last names to mine. I don’t, to honour the memory of their mother and because I really like their last name. It’s doesn’t matter anyway because they know who I am and what role I play in their lives.
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  #18  
Old 09-28-2021, 02:10 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brampton33 View Post
My last name is shorter and earlier in the alphabet so applying the same logic would mean using my last name only if that logic were to be applied.

However, unlike Iona, my ex is extremely possessive and vindictive. She treats our separation as a literal war. My ex would not have the ability to put child first ahead of her narcissistic, petty and vindictive motives as Iona has.
Here's a thought- why don't you just let them keep mom's last name?

Have you already changed their name? If not- why fight about this?
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  #19  
Old 09-28-2021, 02:28 PM
Brampton33 Brampton33 is offline
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Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
Here's a thought- why don't you just let them keep mom's last name?

Have you already changed their name? If not- why fight about this?
Its a hyphenated last name for both kids. My ex fought hard in her court papers to try to keep it as her name only. She was lambasted by judges for treating kids as her possession, being self-absorbed/entitled and disregarding me as a father and role in the kids's lives.

My ex never accepted the notion, but had to go along with it because she was clearly losing her argument. Now that court is over, she only refers to kids by her last name only. One of my kids follows her lead and doesn't refer to his whole name anymore. Thought my ex was supposed to promote the use of his proper last name, rather than the opposite.
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  #20  
Old 09-28-2021, 02:34 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Originally Posted by Brampton33 View Post
Its a hyphenated last name for both kids. My ex fought hard in her court papers to try to keep it as her name only. She was lambasted by judges for treating kids as her possession, being self-absorbed/entitled and disregarding me as a father and role in the kids's lives.

My ex never accepted the notion, but had to go along with it because she was clearly losing her argument. Now that court is over, she only refers to kids by her last name only. One of my kids follows her lead and doesn't refer to his whole name anymore. Thought my ex was supposed to promote the use of his proper last name, rather than the opposite.
You still haven't answered "what's the big deal of the kids keeping her last name?"

Like everyone else in this thread has said "You have time with your kids. They know they are part of you". So what if they have their mom's last name? It's as arbitrary as children having their father's last name.

But really- based on the information you provided and your posts- you both sound sort of high conflict.
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