Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Finally going to have an assessment

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Finally going to have an assessment

    As an update after our case conference brief....

    Mom had filed for sole custody and based the argument on:

    - mentally unstable (PTSD)
    - violent, aggressive, psychologically intimidating
    - controlling
    - assaulted her
    - abusive towards our children
    - there was abuse during the marriage (that was new for the Conference Brief)
    - children are afraid of me
    - my behaviour is responsible for our daughters "alienating themselves"

    I responded, refusing to get into a custody battle, requesting (for the second time in three years), an assessment.

    I could go through it all, but, simply stated: what she describes, is not supported by any agency which has been involved with our family (CAS and Police) and while I had had an inappropriate in inexcusable outburst in September of last year, is not echoed by our daughters.

    (Oh, and I no longer meet the DSM-V threshold for PTSD which is a victory for me and my family).

    For three years (long before our daughters started to physically gravitate towards OP), I had voiced concern that it seemed as though OP was trying to have them choose to be with her singularly and that it was putting a huge amount of strain on our daughters. I had filed for an assessment in 2015 but mistakenly withdrew it when OP seemed to adopt a far more reasonable position.

    In 2016 our youngest started showing obvious signs of being torn, OP refused to commit to ensuring our daughter's felt at ease in both homes instead of being so attached to her alone. Their counselor termed it "unhealthy".

    Then my outburst and our daughters gravitated away for a few weeks.

    By the end of the school year, they were coming home on every regular day again, with CAS and their Counselor working to re-introduce the overnights.

    OP was resistant, it was noted by CAS in one of their reports and cautioned again the road-blocking

    Then she filed for sole custody. All in. Since then our daughters, now diagnosed anxious and depressed stopped coming home more and more. Now we rarely see them and I don't want to force them and have them feel even more torn. When we do see them, it's just as it always had been and I hold on to that as our baseline, however inconsistent.

    So her application for sole custody fell apart. She argued against the OCL stating that even if they did accept the file, they did not have the "quality control" to ensure that a review was completed appropriately. She took the position that I should surrender every document relating to my counselling and therapy to her, for her review, and possible review from a professional of her choosing.

    We had a judge who pointed out that CAS had recently provided an official letter stating that they believed a comprehensive assessment was "required". This, months after our worker had stated that the Society supported a return to 50/50 and that if that could not be supported by both parents, an assessment should be considered. The judge also stated that the recent and sudden loss of contact between myself and our daughters was "concerning".

    She had fought against an assessment for three years. She wasn`t left much of a choice.

    An order has been signed to have the matter forwarded to the OCL and, if they do not use a Clinicians Assist, we are ordered to have a private assessment completed.

    I have never been so happy to be under the microscope.

    No more blocking police records which speak against her claims
    No more refusing to consent to the release of CAS files.
    No more defending against every accusation.

    She can worry about substantiating her allegations to OCL and the assessor, and, when she isn't able to, she can worry about explaining why she has said what she said. She can explain why our daughters have been temporarily alienated, either temporary or permanently from other members of her own family with whom she was in conflict and where she said she was acting in their ~best interests~.

    I and can go back to focusing on making sure our daughter's know how much they are loved and supported in their relationships with me.

    Focus can finally remain fixed on our daughters, making sure they are as supported as they can be and in the best possible position and routine to flourish now and going forward.

  • #2
    If you're going to get an assessment through the OCL done, be very careful.
    Just because they say they're going to do an assessment doesn't mean that they will deliver. You could end up going to court to get that assessment, which could end up mysteriously disappearing.

    Private assessors are definitely the way to go -- you can choose your assessor and they are responsible for their work. If there are suspicions of mental illness (which, there almost always is when people decide to go to court), you should always seek out a qualified psychologist. Social Workers just don't have the skill set to understand some of the underlying psychological problems, relationship dynamics and the longterm impact on children.

    There's a couple very bad assessors who work in Ottawa for the OCL - without putting names down, I would recommend researching case law in CanLii, WestLawNext or Lexis Nexis (the latter 2 being available for free use at the Ottawa University Law Library). If the assessor's name is coming up often for being challenged, or there is a heavy predisposition recommending custody towards a single gender, then there should be second thoughts.

    Comment


    • #3
      Having a court appointed OCL or SW assessor is no reason to be happy. They are not there to work in the child’s best interests. They are part of the money grubbing family court machine designed to suck families dry of their financial resources. They are leaches wearing t-shirts emblazoned with the words “in the best interests of the children”. Beware! They are not your friends nor your children’s nor your ex. The two whom I had dealings with both supposedly ruled in my favour by recommending I have sole custody yet I have every intention of reporting them to their respective associatations for the irreparable harm and distress they caused our children (once this litigation is over).
      I don’t have anything good to say about them. The experience was stressful and not at all child focused. To this day my youngest refuses to see a therapist because of his horrific experience with them. In fact he said he’d rather be dead than be subjected to more lies from a “therapist “.

      They are not your friend. They will twist your words and those of your children. They will out and out lie to you. They will put bs in their report that has no evidence to support it yet will omit significant facts rooted in overwhelming evidence from multiple sources. The two I came across were dishonest and self-serving.

      Beware.... and remember this warning comes from a parent whom they ruled in favour of!!!!

      Comment


      • #4
        No need to provide her with your therapy notes. If OCL had any concerns, then they would point them out. Not required to give them to mom. She may be able to motion them if she is defusing OCL report but it is hard to win, and, if you push back, you may appear as if though you got something to hide though you can push back and say OCL reviewed them and there is nothing of material in there.

        If I were you, I would just let the assessor do their job. Sounds like you have a good case for alienation.

        Justice Mossip in Reeves v. Reeves [2001]

        Based on a significant number of studies and case law in this area, any support or encouragement by one parent that the children not have a relationship with the other parent simply demonstrated the irresponsibility of the parent who has the children and demonstrates that parent's inability to act in the best interests of their children. Children do not always want to go to school or want to go to the dentist's or doctor's. It is the responsibility of good parents to manage their children's health and safety issues without necessarily the consent or joy of their children. A healthy relationship with both parents is a health and safety issue that good parents ensure takes place.
        Ranjbar v Aminfar, 2016 ONSC 5383 (CanLII)

        http://canlii.ca/t/gt40k

        Comment


        • #5
          Well I certainly don't know how this is going to go, but I just found out that the OCL has accepted the file and an assessor has been identified.

          In response to OP's original motion for sole custody, this is probably the best shot there is to at least try and bring a little more light into the discussion and at least try to put our daughter's at the forefront.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Trix View Post
            Well I certainly don't know how this is going to go, but I just found out that the OCL has accepted the file and an assessor has been identified.
            My condolences for having the OCL involved in your file. You just added 3-4 years to your case and more than likely a trial.

            Comment


            • #7
              What an unfortunate response.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Trix View Post
                What an unfortunate response.
                I don't think there is a single contributor on this site that recommends parents seek the involvement of the OCL. To that, I would add Section 30 assessments too. Just because they are "private" doesn't mean they are any better. Usually, the crappiest clinicians who failed in their practice do assessments. A rock star clinician who has a full schedule of real and actual patients don't need to supplement their income with custody and access assessments. Crappy ones do.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Whereas I have also heard similarly that even Successful litigation is taxing and destructive to children where the is high conflict.

                  My older daughter is clinically diagnosed as Severely Anxious while my younger is clinically diagnosed as Depressive. At eight years old she started making statements to the effect of "I feel like if I wasn't here none of this would have happened". At ten she wrote that she wanted to kill herself.

                  I didn't ask OP to file for sole custody, but I have decided to do whatever I can to avoid a destructive battle where focus is on anything BUT our daughters.

                  Trust me, I looked for the "right' answer from any number of professionals, oddly it still came to rest with me to decide how I would respond.

                  Deciding between horrible choices is no decision at all.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    wow a 6 and 8 yr old with their very own diagnoses...

                    I know you won't want to hear this. I think people have to get their children into a healthy lifestyle of just... being... kids. Too much retrospect and "analysis", particularly at such young ages, mystifies me to be honest.

                    Kids need to get off their butts and do physical activity... without cell phones and all the other anti-social activities that seem to be common-place nowadays.

                    When was the last time you took your kids skating? Do your kids belong to something like Girl Guides where they learn to help others?

                    I think it would be good if you could think of things to do with the kids where they can simply play and socialize with other kids.

                    OCL... more counselors....your litigation - this sounds like an absolutely dreary childhood.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I do hope for good things for you though. I just read my post and it comes off in a different way that I intended.

                      I'm sure you are a great father and try your very best to do fun things. I made my comments simply to remind you and others that maintaining a good balance in life for you and your children is extremely important. Perhaps you can try to compartmentalize the counselor stuff and instead encourage your kids to focus on positive things. It must be very difficult to do this when your ex is the "downer Debbie" sort. However, there is no reason why you can't be the "fun Dad." This is what kids at that age understand. If they know they are going to have a great time with Dad then they will want to spend time with you. Pretty simple really.

                      My personal experience with child counselors, many years ago, was not very positive. One has to ponder what possibly could a 20-something-year-old counselor, with little living experience themselves, could benefit a child? I don't know how experienced these OCL people are. From what I have read, simply on this forum over the years, I would certainly not entrust my child's welfare to these people. If you feel you must then at least do a deep search of the individual counselor if you are able. (I think I'd want legal counsel present with my child - but then I'm probably overreacting....).

                      I've had my share of encounters, professionally, with inexperienced and incompetent "counselors" and it is downright frightening the impact they can have on someones life. So be very, very careful.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Our days, when not too busy consisted of Connect Four, Lego, Uno, and hide and go seek which saw me having to replace hinges on a bedroom door because of some over enthusiastic escape tactics.

                        I coached my older's soccer team for three years, brought my younger to the bmx track twice a week. Of course that was in between my older diving competatively (when we it interested her) and my younger falling off the diving board with elegant form.

                        They were both in beavers when younger (the older in Sparks before that).

                        I enrolled and brought them to everything. Watched them being kids.

                        Now my younger draws but has no other activity, Mu older started popping her zits at 11 and only wanting to use the face wash mom wanted. They know that OP sued her ex boyfriend in court...because she brought them to the courthouse when filing papers.

                        She knows why OP and her parents didn't speak and why she still doesn't speak to her brother, because she sowed them the e-mails.

                        OP brought them to the mediators office for one of our scheduled sessions which was obivously cut short.

                        It's not that they can't be kids because of their depression and anxiety, they are depressed and anxious because they can't be kids.

                        They aren't allowed to be, they get to be confidants who knows too much, too soon, to validate how someone else feels.

                        I don't want a system of sessions and therapy and co-operative whatever. I want my younger to be able to walk to the store with her friend to get a slushy while she makes me walk ten feet behind with my headphones on so I don't hear their conversation while I make sure they don't cross without looking.

                        Just want to see them smile.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I do appreciate the feedback. All I want is the opportunity to give our daughters some space to just do whatever. When you are suddenly cut off, that gets very difficult to do.

                          My affidavit was 17 pages long (content alone, articulated, succinct and supported with OP's correspondence, CAS reports which made it even longer). Years of everything. My CC was four pages. Same. I wrote every word. It sunk her motion for Sole Custody, it may have only achieved a crap assessment, but maybe the opportunity for our daughters and I to spend time together where they can be reminded of what it was like to have grapefruit in the mornings and ride bikes until the lights come on. I can look forward to that opportunity, or towards preparing to a court battle.

                          I've chosen the former. Maybe by the time court rolls around it won't much matter.

                          If not, well, I have no problem being articulate, succinct, and backing it up.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I don't want a system of sessions and therapy and co-operative whatever. I want my younger to be able to walk to the store with her friend to get a slushy while she makes me walk ten feet behind with my headphones on so I don't hear their conversation while I make sure they don't cross without looking.

                            I love this!

                            All the very best to you.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Thank you.

                              It'll come

                              Comment

                              Our Divorce Forums
                              Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                              Working...
                              X