stumbled across some info---now what?

[nowwhat]

Background: Separated 1.5 years. Ex has been living with gf/fiance 1.5 years. After he lived with me he went straight into a house with gf so has never had to be the single parent to our daughter whom we share 50/50.

By complete chance yesterday, a friend was at a business yesterday and was dealing with an agent who sits next to the gf. Friend said something about gf, and her agent said 'its a secret, but she is planning on leaving your ex, but he does not know. She is looking for a house first."

What can I do to prepare? If Ex desn't know he will blindsided and upset. If he does sort of know, he will still have a lot of transitioning to do.
My ex has always had gf to help with drop off pick up and I dont think he will be able to manage that as he works 1.5 hours away from home/daycare.

My concern is the safety of my daughter and how to transition this for her (if it happens and it probably will).
How can I nicely suggest to my EX if this happens that I will happily take our daughter more (50 to 80%) so he can deal with this transition. My ex has a huge ego so I need to frame things so that he does not feel I am grabbing her or trying to take over the situation.

[SadDad2010]

My best advice to you would to prepare yourself for that possibility but by no means mention what is basically hearsay to your ex...that would be a powder keg. If your ex does separate from his gf, then you can offer to help out anyway you can.

[mama2bee]

My best advice to you would to prepare yourself for that possibility but by no means mention what is basically hearsay to your ex...that would be a powder keg. If your ex does separate from his gf, then you can offer to help out anyway you can.

He's right, play the waiting game and keep your mouth shut. If you say anything and it turns out to not pan out he will likely see it as you causing trouble. If it does happen and you let on in any way that you already knew he may lash out at you.
As for his 'ego' that's easy to get around, all in your wording.

Let him know you're glad to help him if he wants, let him 'call the shots' (not last minute but have a plan set in place). If he thinks you're doing this for his best interest he will likely be more compliant. Be careful though because if you are to nice and supportive he may turn to you as his rebound...then you have a whole new mess.

[walshch]

For now the information is just a rumor, and it would not be wise to "nicely suggest" anything to your Ex. You can cross that bridge when/if a breakup occurs. What are your concerns for your daughters safety? It seems it will be more of an inconvenience for the Ex to make arrangements for his parenting time, but that it for him to figure out.

[nowwhat]

I plan on keeping my mouth shut. He would have a fit. Now the coworker may tell the gf that she said something to my friend. that would likely worry the gf and I can see her calling me and asking me not to say anything. hopedully none of that will happen.

[dinkyface]

Agree with response above - also, if/when it actually happens, perhaps just make a very generic offer to help out, without making any specific suggestions that could be taken the wrong way. This is something HE will have to deal with .. no need for you to step in unless he asks.

[mama2bee]

Agree with response above - also, if/when it actually happens, perhaps just make a very generic offer to help out, without making any specific suggestions that could be taken the wrong way. This is something HE will have to deal with .. no need for you to step in unless he asks.

AGREED!!


If his gf calls you, play dumb... you do not need to take on their relationship drama.

[Rioe]

Very good idea to have a plan prepared, but don't let on to him in the least that upheaval may be coming. You never know what could happen, and it's definitely not your place to be in the middle.

But you do want to take steps to protect yourself, and your daughter. It sounds like maybe he had this relationship waiting in the wings for when you two broke up, and if it ends, he may suddenly and abruptly change personality. He may try to get back together with you, or he may take out his anger and pain at her on you or your daughter. He's definitely going to have less household money if she leaves, and may try to avoid some financial responsibilities such as support to you.

A good course of action might be to have some ideas for changing your daughter's schedule, especially since he apparently won't have his transportation anymore. Then if/when a split occurs and he tells you, you can "toss out" some suggestions that "come to mind" and see what he thinks. Ask for his ideas and then let him pick from all the choices if he likes feeling in control. That way, you have also done some research about what you think wouldn't work, and you have an argument why he shouldn't choose those ones if he suggests them.

Ideas might be to keep the same arranged schedule, but each of you does the pickups to start the access. So he picks up your daughter from you, and you pick her up from him. That way you are each doing half the driving that the girlfriend did before. Or you could extend the time each of you has her so there are fewer exchanges and less driving, but the time remains 50-50.

Basically, appear flexible while being firm. And stay child-focused; the last thing you need is to be his shoulder to cry on, or his source of loaned funds.

[nowwhat]

thanks rioe, that it the situation. He has never been a single parent and when from a home that I ran (org the bills, did most of the cleaning etc) to a home where gf did the home stuff.
He has not yet been 'single' so his will be a big change for not just him, but how to parent on his own.
I actually make a little more than he does so with 50/50, I am paying him about 60$ a month.

[Pharah]

Be prepared to console your daughter. Leave the rest to your ex. If he needs your help, he will ask.

[Mess]

We all learned to parent in our own time in our own way when given the chance.

Give him space to grow into a different person and you may be surprised at what he is capable of. Or maybe he will live down to your expectations, but that's for him to do.