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  • Family Therapy

    Recently, our 8 year old daughter was seen by her counsellor and the parents were informed that the child had begun to internalize the parental conflict. We were informed that the child was holding herself responsible for the parental conflict and that this would not only impact her well being now but would affect her future relationships.

    Meetings took place individually with both parents. Family therapy was recommended and agreed upon by all parties as the best way forward.

    In order to provide a safe place for this to take place, both parties were asked and agreed to sign a contract agreeing not to use anything that took place in the therapy or involve the service provider in any future litigation. Parties were encouraged to get legal counsel before signing this contract. Both parties signed the contract.

    Counselling was supposed to take place once a month with the parents alternating beginning this week. At the last minute the child's father decided to withdraw his consent and now the family therapy has been suspended. He has not provide any reason for withdrawing.

    The counsellor has consequently agreed to provide support around other issues related to daughter's special needs and advocating at school, but she will not be providing our daughter with any support around the parental conflict without both parents participating in the therapy.

    To state that I am pissed off is an understatement.

    The Family Therapy would have been of great benefit to our daughter not least in making her realize that the parental conflict is NOT her fault. I think it would have also strengthened the relationship between her and her dad. The sessions would have been confidential and neither parent would/could have used what transpired in any litigation. So, I am trying to figure out what he felt he had to lose by agreeing to attend one session every two months with his daughter?
    Last edited by Nadia; 10-13-2012, 09:44 AM.

  • #2
    Therapy could shatter some illusions held by your ex. He may recognize that on some level, and seek to avoid that situation.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Nadia View Post
      .

      So, I am trying to figure out what he felt he had to lose by agreeing to attend one session every two months with his daughter?
      A good counsellor can bring out issues that can be very painful. Maybe he doesn't want to go there. Don't waste your time and energy in trying to figure him out.

      Is there any other place you and your daughter can go to for help? It is very sad and troubling that your daughter is carrying a burden of guilt.

      Comment


      • #4
        Unfortunately, no good counsellor will provide counselling to a child without parental participation where it focuses upon parental conflict.

        I have been informed that recent (peer-reviewed) research has established that in situations where high parental conflict exists, it is not in the child's best interest to be the only one receiving counselling around the issue. The danger is that this could make the child feel/think that they are the "problem" because they are the only one receiving support.

        Instead it is seen as best practice for parents to attend with the child. By participating with the child, the parent is accepting responsibility for the situation. It also provides a safe environment whereby the parent "listens" to what impact their behavior is having on the child and can be part of the process that dispells any notion that the child should hold themselves responsible for the parental conflict in any shape or form.

        The program will not work with just one parent attending and requires both parents to be part of the process and make a equal commitment. I also think it sends a strong message to the child, that "both" parents really care about the child and both parents want to be equally involved in his/her life.

        Although I realize forcing someone to attend counseling with their child kind of defeats the whole purpose because it is not voluntary. Therapy only works if someone attends willingly. But does anyone know of any case law whereby a parent has been "encouraged" to participate in family therapy in the best interest of the child?
        Last edited by Nadia; 10-14-2012, 08:15 AM.

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        • #5
          Have you talked to your ex about this matter? He might have been warned-off the process or have other legitimate misgivings about the process.

          Ultimately he doesn't have to participate but the two of you might find another way to address the issue. Maybe just the two of you meeting up with the child for a lunch sometime or at an activitiy that the child enjoys? Just seeing her parents together, not in an arugment, might be helpful.

          I would be hesitant to attend any sort of counselling session if I perceived that I was going to be singled out as the bad guy. Perhaps your ex has the same feeling. Therefore you likely won't get any cooperation about attending counselling sessions and will have to look at other ways to deal with the issue.

          Comment


          • #6
            Thanks for the response Arabian,

            As I mentioned in my initial post, there are no legitimate misgivings. What takes place inside of therapy is confidential. Both parents signed contracts confirming this but also agreed that anything that takes place in the sessions can not be used against the other in any litigation. Any information in respect to his session with the child will not be shared with me or be used against him anymore then what transpired in my session with the child would be shared with him or used against me. Neither parent can ask the service provider to take sides or have files disclosed for the purposes of litigation. In other words there is impartiality, confidence and no legal consequences.

            The only time the service provider is obligated to break that confidentiality is if there is risk to the child, in which case they are professionally obligated to contact the CAS.

            No one is being singled out as the "bad" guy. Maybe he is responsible for creating the situations and involving the children in the conflict. But I am equally responsible for not handling it better in my response.
            Last edited by Nadia; 10-14-2012, 12:52 PM.

            Comment


            • #7
              To give you an example, earlier this year, my daughter had a special event at her school. Parents were invited to attend and come and view some of the work that their child had produced. It was something our daughter had been working on for weeks and was looking forward to sharing.

              Being an all day affair, I emailed the child's father and asked him if he wanted to come in the morning or afternoon? The father did not respond. I emailed him again, again no response. Left a message on his cell phone, no response. I then emailed him and told him I will be attending in the morning. I walk into the school, meet daughter etc and then within 10 minutes of my arrival, the father arrives. The child gets all stressed out because she has already witnessed lots of conflict between the parents. I tell her it will be ok. I SHOULD have left as soon as he arrived. But I did not and things did not end well.

              Month later, kid is in counselling and we are informed she was "smacking her forehead" and saying "it was all my mistake, I got it all mixed up. I think dad thought he was supposed to come in the morning. I must have forgotten to tell him he was supposed to come in the afternoon."

              No, it was NOT her fault. It was his fault for not letting me know which he would prefer (morning or afternoon). I would have picked the one he did not want. It was his fault for turning up when he KNEW I was going to be at the school. It was my fault for NOT leaving as soon as he arrived.

              Comment


              • #8
                Maybe you can broach the subject in a few months. If you've just been through a round of litigation then he might simply be wanting some time to lick his wounds and regroup. Some people are incapable of putting on a different hat and assuming a different role, particularly if there has been recent court drama. I'd give it some time and try again. He may simply not want to have anything to do with you at this time.

                Bet your glad you aren't with this guy anymore. His refusal to do something good for his daughter speaks volumes of his character.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by arabian View Post
                  I would be hesitant to attend any sort of counselling session if I perceived that I was going to be singled out as the bad guy.
                  Why would you have that perception unless you felt that you were doing something wrong? In which case you probably need the counselling. Sadly, those who need it the most are the least likely to go.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I agree that the person who needs counselling the most will often be the one who refuses. Individual counselling for the child could help her deal with guilt feelings, and she would most likely open up to the counsellor. With the parents, it is very difficult for the child to communicate her feelings when there is so much pain and confusion going on.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Caranna, please re-read post #4. Individual counselling for the child around the parental conflict is not an option that can be pursued. Essentially the way in which the reasoning was explained to me was that without the parental participation, individual counseling for the child, will only add to the child's anxiety and thinking that she is responsible for the conflict.
                      Last edited by Nadia; 10-14-2012, 09:39 PM.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Nadia I don't know the time-lines of your struggles so when I say to wait a while I am assuming that your court conflict is quite recent. With that said maybe it would be a good idea to continue on with whatever support/counselling you can get organized and simply keep the father informed of the progress (if any) on a regular basis. He might then see that you are serious in your efforts to help the daughter rather than make excuses for the two of you to mingle/meet (if that is a concern for him). I guess its the old case of you can't make him do anything at this point.

                        By ignoring his nastiness you can keep your communication with him informative. After a while he may come around and agree to the counselling. We all have personal experiences, biases and friends who influence our decisions. Some people need more time to come around to your way of thinking. Some people simply do not see any value in counselling.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Arabian,

                          This Family Therapy program does not require the parents to "mingle" or "meet." Sessions are offered on an alternating basis between the two parents attending with the child by themselves (not together with the child). We will not be crossing paths or attending at the same time.
                          Last edited by Nadia; 10-14-2012, 10:16 PM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Nadia View Post
                            Recently, our 8 year old daughter was seen by her counsellor and the parents were informed that the child had begun to internalize the parental conflict. We were informed that the child was holding herself responsible for the parental conflict and that this would not only impact her well being now but would affect her future relationships.
                            ...

                            So, I am trying to figure out what he felt he had to lose by agreeing to attend one session every two months with his daughter?
                            There a few things that people don't understand about the therapeutic process:

                            1. For any therapeutic process in the arena of mental health to work anyone participate has to be willing to attend. If the person is not willing to attend then little will be achieved.

                            2. Mental health is about all participants recognizing that people can change, often have to change and realizing that often people need help in learning how to change. If one doesn't recognize change and strongly feels that they cannot (or the other person) cannot change then it is doomed to failure.

                            3. Therapy is about finding ways to solve problems and not create them. Ultimately, it often fails (statistically) because one of the people attending does not want to be there which makes everything a battle for the therapist.

                            4. Avoidance is the most common element as to why people do not attend therapy. It is easier to avoid the challenges of having to change as a person than to embrace it, take feedback from the therapist and realize that they have a capacity to change and ultimately learn how to embrace this change and make it positive. Many people who avoid therapy do so because they have fears and/or anxiety and/or worries beyond the norm. They often explicitly state that they have a "fear of being judged", "fear of social situations", "fear of what others think/say about them", etc...

                            Fear - (F)alse (E)motion (A)ffecting (R)eality

                            The (Only) Five Basic Fears We All Live By | Psychology Today

                            Avoiding the five fears is easier to do than address them head on in therapy. Even harder to address head on in family therapy as the clinician to client relationship includes the children and the other parent. This will expose their fears... and if they are unsubstantiated and are what composes the person's belief structure they may be faced by a mental health professional who identifies that they need to change... They may be unwilling to change, have a concrete view of themselves and the world around them that although may not be based in reality they accept and believe identifies who they are.

                            5. Therapy is about identifying problems and solving them. It is not about identifying a problem and projecting blame. Often the challenges that lead to the end of the parental relationship just comes to roost in therapy and only serves to make things worse.

                            6. More people in my opinion need to truly understand and implement "parallel parenting" rather than try to hang on to the idea that they will remain "best friends" with the other parent. The parental relationship remains and the responsibilities don't change to your children but, how you parent does change. ("Mom's House, Dad's House", "Shared Parenting with a Jerk", et all...)

                            One program that I think is headed in the right direction in "family therapy" is:

                            New Ways For Families - Parent Information | HCI Articles

                            Good Luck!
                            Tayken

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              "More people in my opinion need to truly understand and implement "parallel parenting" rather than try to hang on to the idea that they will remain "best friends" with the other parent. The parental relationship remains and the responsibilities don't change to your children but, how you parent does change. ("Mom's House, Dad's House", "Shared Parenting with a Jerk", et all...) "

                              Totally agree with you here and for the past five-six years we essentally have had a parallel parenting arrangement. But this therapy was about supporting our daughter by attending therapy with her seperately and to try and change "our" behavior so that a) she does not hold herself responsible for the parental conflict and b) that we do everything we can not to involve the child in the parental conflict.

                              The parent-child counselling sessions would have been "parallel" so to speak, with the parents alternating the appointments. His participation in therapy with her would have been "his business." I think it is probably better described as "parent-child counselling" rather than "family therapy" and that is where the confusion is arising in this thread.

                              The paperwork was completed individually by each parent and both parents met with the counselling team by themselves (not together). Where he was given every opportunity to ask any questions/concerns about the process and to seek legal counsel before providing consent in writing. He provided consent and at the last minute he decided to withdraw it.

                              I like the new model you have shared.
                              Last edited by Nadia; 10-15-2012, 08:59 AM.

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